Say You Won't Let Go
by Nova.8
Summary: It's difficult being in love with your best friend, especially when he's oblivious to your feelings and about to propose to someone else. And even though you're happy for him, every day that takes him further away from you, makes it impossible to keep pretending. So you let go, you wish him all the best and leave town in the hopes of saving yourself. *Barry & Caitlin all human AU*
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** _After starting three different Snowbarry stories and one Frostar multi chaptered AU, this idea refused to be abandoned like the rest. So here it is, an AU without superhuman powers that draws on the friendship of Barry and Caitlin and Barry, Caitlin and Cisco. The title was inspired by the song of the same name by James Arthur. I heard it and the lyrics immediately screamed out Barry and Caitlin to me. Maybe this idea will turn out to be a story worth continuing with; let me know what you think._

 **Say You Won't Let Go**

 _ **Chapter One**_

 _Caitlin wrung her nimble fingers together as she paced Barry's bedroom. She glanced at her watch and with an irritated sigh went back to his bed. She fluffed up his pillows and smoothed out non-existent wrinkles on his sheets to keep herself busy. She didn't understand what was taking Joe and Cisco so long, since Central City Hospital was only a few minutes away from Barry's apartment and Cisco had called her over half an hour ago to tell her that they were on their way. Had something happened to Barry? Had he had a relapse and fallen back into a coma?_

" _No." Caitlin shook her head as she rid herself of her negative thoughts._

 _She had been there yesterday when he had awoken from his coma, as she had been every single day since Barry had met in an accident after his reckless, street racing stunt. Barry had woken up, he had been fine. For heavens sake, she had been the doctor who had checked his vitals while holding back her tears of relief. Then Caitlin had fled the hospital, without saying a word to Barry, unable to contain her tumultuous emotions any longer. Tired of waiting Caitlin impatiently made her way to the bedroom door just as Barry stepped in with Joe and Cisco on either side of him, aiding him on his unsteady feet._

" _Caitlin." Barry gave her an uncertain grin but his eyes were still dull and empty, as if he were simply going through the motions. Had he really come out of that coma alive or was he just pretending for their sake?_

" _Sorry, Cait, we stopped over to get some Big Belly burgers. Apparently that's the first thing you start craving for after waking up from a coma." Cisco apologised jokingly from the doorway._

 _Caitlin felt her relief morph into a cloud of anger over the fact that she had been worrying over Barry's safety for almost an hour now while he had been stuffing his face with Big Belly burgers. How dare he scare her again? How could he put his life in danger like that? Hadn't he once thought about how she would feel if he went out there and got himself killed? She knew what it felt like to lose a parent, she understood that he had now lost both of his, but there were still people in this world who loved him and he didn't have the right to value his life so little._

 _Caitlin walked up to Barry, brown eyes bright with anger and she slapped him hard across his face. Joe held on to Barry tighter but pursed his lips to keep from saying anything and Cisco shifted awkwardly on his feet. All three men knew better than to argue with her when she was furious._

 _Barry turned his head back around to look at Caitlin, too stunned to react, disbelief and hurt flashed in his eyes. She felt no regret though; her hit had brought back the first spark of life she had seen in him for months now, since Henry Allen had died._

" _You're a selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless …_ coward _, Barry Allen." Caitlin fumed, turning away from him in her rage, pacing his bedroom floor like a caged tigress as she tried to release the emotions she had been bottling up within her since Barry's accident._

 _The sleepless nights filled with worry, fear, relief and anger finally culminated into a ball of fury that exploded from within her. Caitlin swiped her hand furiously across one of Barry's wooden wall shelves, breaking the silly superhero lamps he had painstakingly collected since he had been a child. His neatly displayed frames that proudly presented his comic books were thrown violently on the floor so that the glass shattered around her heels. Even all the little gadgets and figurines that he and Cisco designed in their spare time was not spared Caitlin's wrath._

 _Then she reached his bedside table that held the large, ceramic dinosaur she had given him as a graduation gift. Inside it housed the story book titled_ The Runaway Dinosaur _that Barry's mother had read to him as a child. Barry had once shared his regret with Caitlin over losing his childhood copy and so Caitlin had wanted him to have one again._

" _If she were here, she would have been proud of you, Barry and your dad agrees that she would have wanted you to have this." The words she had spoken to him years ago flittered through the chaos in her mind._

 _She could still remember the way Barry's beautiful green eyes had filled with tears that day, but his beaming smile had made Caitlin feel as if she had given him the key to the city instead of an ornament and children's story book. She knew how much he treasured her gift and the thought only served to further incense her. Didn't he realise how much he meant to her? So instead of stopping, Caitlin made to reach for the turquoise dinosaur._

 _In her fit of rage Caitlin had not noticed Barry making his way towards her until he grabbed a hold of her wrists and pulled her away from his dinosaur and towards him instead. At the feel of his long fingers on her skin, Caitlin cursed at him, beating his chest with her fists until he held her against him. He did not cry, not a single tear was shed, but Caitlin bawled her eyes out. She did not say a word, but she knew he understood what her anger and pain was telling him._

 _She needed him._

 _Joe needed him. There were people in the world who still loved him and he couldn't give up on them just yet. He relaxed against her, but held her tighter still, and his heavy sigh and slumped shoulders told her that he was truly sorry for scaring her._

" _It's okay. It's okay, I got you." He whispered against the shell of her ear, his nose in her hair as Caitlin clung to him, reassuring herself that he was really there and alive._

 _It was silly to think that he was comforting her when it should have been the other way around, but in that moment she had made Barry finally realise that he was needed._

* * *

 **DOCTOR** Caitlin Snow stared at her computer screen, biting her bottom lip as she pondered an incorrect equation before her. It wasn't a highly complex formula, and she was certain she had found the fault in the properties, but she just couldn't decide what element would be better suited as a substitute instead.

She refused to take it to Dr Harrison Wells, because while she was certain he would have an immediate solution to the problem, Caitlin did not like to admit defeat and she definitely did not want to go to her boss with something so trivial.

Caitlin reached to her right for the comfort of her morning coffee but found her desk empty. Looking at her watch the brunette realised that it was still early for her best friend to bring her the usual strong brew she could not function without. So Caitlin sat forward instead, staring intently at her computer screen and frustrating herself with the knowledge that she knew the glaringly obvious solution but simply could not put her finger on it.

Caitlin heard the soft thud next to her and when she looked to her side she noticed a steaming, Styrofoam cup of strong smelling coffee sitting on her desk. With a beaming smile she looked up only to be faced with a bouquet of stunning, white irises.

Caitlin's heart jumped in her chest as the irises were lowered and green eyes sparkled down at her. "Barry." She said breathlessly.

"Is it too much?" He asked nervously and Caitlin swallowed as her mind tried to catch up with her current situation while her heart thundered in her chest. "I know it's only our first date and I should take it slow, but I've been waiting for this day for so long, Cait, and well … do you think it's cheesy, buying her irises?"

The rest of Barry's babbling was drowned out by the sinking sensation of Caitlin's heart into the pit of her stomach. She mentally slapped herself on the forehead for thinking those flowers were for her. Strangely enough, amongst all the intimate gestures Barry had given Caitlin in the name of their friendship (like holding her hair back while she vomited or changing her into her pyjamas and tucking her into bed after a drunken night out) buying her flowers had never been one of them. So of course they were for Iris West, Barry's childhood friend. His next door neighbour, the woman he had secretly pined for all his life: Barry's first love.

"Barry." Caitlin said sternly and he instantly closed his mouth shut. Running a hand behind his head in a telling sign of discomfort he gave her a sheepish grin.

"Sorry." He apologised and Caitlin couldn't help but smile at her sweet, naïve Barry, one of her best friends and closest confidants.

"It's okay." Caitlin told him honestly. "Sit." She took a calming sip of her coffee while Barry seated himself across from her and then passed the drink over to her friend. It was clear that Barry needed the shot of caffeine just as much as she did. He took it with a grateful smile and let out an appreciative sigh afterwards before handing the cup back to Caitlin.

"Thanks." He sounded somewhat calmer now and Caitlin nodded with a thoughtful smile in reply.

"Barry, there's no need to be nervous. You've known Iris since you were eleven." Caitlin said patiently, having already prepared herself for this particular conversation. Barry had been anxious about his date from the moment Iris had agreed to it.

"Yeah." Barry agreed. "But I haven't seen her in years. We've spent so much time apart. It feels like we hardly know one another any more. She's changed so much, Cait."

Sensing a nervous rant coming on again Caitlin reached calmly across her desk for his hand. Barry instinctively turned his fingers around so that he could hold on to her, rubbing his thumb across her knuckles like he always did.

"That's okay then, Barry; it gives you a chance to get to know one another better." Caitlin reassured him.

"She's just never seen me in a romantic light before, Cait. I'm scared she never will." Caitlin tilted her head to the side as she felt the familiar pang of empathy go through her chest every single time Barry spoke about Iris.

Caitlin knew exactly what that felt like, loving your best friend who only ever thought of you in a platonic light. In fact, Barry did not find her in the least bit attractive because Caitlin knew that he could change her without even sneaking a peak at her goods.

Caitlin studied her best friend of over a decade. Tufts of his dark brown hair stuck up in odd ends, his murky green eyes open and honest and his wide smile easy and beautiful. She had never described a man as beautiful before, but Barry Allen was definitely the exception.

"Barry, you two have been spending a lot of time together recently and she wouldn't have agreed to this date tonight if she wasn't interested in being more than friends with you. All you have to do is be yourself and she'll love you no matter what." Caitlin comforted him.

The brunette watched as he lowered his lids before looking up at her again, his gaze measured. It was a look Barry gave her when he did not want her to tell what he was thinking. Only Caitlin knew him well enough to see his hidden insecurities shadow his eyes. "You really think so?"

Caitlin couldn't help the small smile that curved her full lips. Of course sweet, dorky Barry was completely unaware of his unique charm. His endearing sense of humour, thoughtfulness and chivalry made girls believe in white knights, happy ever afters and all the other rubbish that fairy tales spurned.

"I know so, Barry. Trust me." Caitlin nodded her head and Barry squeezed her hand in thanks. That was when Caitlin looked down to see their fingers still innocently intertwined on her desk. Her pulse raced and she quickly pulled her hand away before her palms got sweaty and Barry commented on it.

"Anyway, isn't it too early to be buying flowers for a date that's only tonight?" Caitlin asked him, reaching for her coffee again, taking in a much needed gulp.

At this Barry grinned sheepishly. "Saw it on the side of the street while I was walking here and I just couldn't help myself." He shrugged his broad shoulders.

She shook her brown head at him in equal parts amusement and exasperation. "Well, you better get them preserved if you want them to make it to this afternoon." Caitlin advised logically.

"As always, you're right." Barry told her with a soft laugh and seeing him relaxed again made Caitlin feel better.

All she had ever wanted for Barry was for him to be happy. And if Iris West made him so, then Caitlin was all for this impending relationship. No one deserved happiness more than Barry did.

Barry stood up, tall and lithe and Caitlin sat back, rolling her chair away from her desk slightly. Barry made his way to stand beside her. With the crinkling sound of plastic she watched as he gently plucked out a single iris from the bouquet he was holding and offered it to her wordlessly. Caitlin questioningly raised shapely, brown eyebrows up at him.

"I know it's not a rose, but at least it's white and you deserve it, Cait. For everything, for always." Barry said softly and she was more surprised now that he knew exactly what her favourite flower was rather than the fact that he had finally given her one instead.

His green eyes were undeniably sincere and Caitlin had to hold back the emotion clogging her throat. So she turned to sarcasm as she always did when faced with a situation that made her walls shake and threaten to crumble. "Don't let Cisco hear you say that."

Barry's endearing chuckle was enough to make her smile through her inner turmoil and she held on to the iris, bringing it to her button nose as Barry rushed off. Caitlin told herself that it was silly for a single flower to make her heart expand in her chest, but her cool intellect and logic had never prevailed when it came to one Barry Allen. So she did what she always did to distract herself and buried her head in her work.

 **. . .**

"Who's this from?" Cisco Ramone touched the single iris, now in a washed Styrofoam coffee cup, sitting on her desk. Caitlin looked up from her lunch. Carefully chewing her food she composed her voice before replying.

"Barry." The brunette said nonchalantly.

As expected though, Cisco's eyebrows shot up. Then he slid across her desk, where he was perched on, and came to sit directly in front of Caitlin's chair, eyeing her speculatively. "Barry bought you a flower? A single white flower?"

Caitlin did not like the suspicious note in Cisco's voice. "He didn't buy it for me. He bought a bouquet for his date with Iris tonight, but you know Barry, he needed a little pep talk before he could go through with it."

"Then how did you end up with a flower?" Cisco pointed a thumb over his shoulder at the innocent iris sitting on her desk.

Caitlin shrugged. "He gave me one to thank me for listening to his incessant rambling."

"I see." Cisco said, picking up a lollipop and unwrapping it noisily. He sucked on it with vigour and Caitlin knew he was watching her closely. "How do you feel about his date tonight?" Her best friend queried innocently. Only Caitlin knew that Cisco was really checking to see if she wasn't upset over Barry dating again. Unlike Barry, Cisco was not completely oblivious to her romantic feelings.

"I'm happy for him." The truth to her statement made Caitlin's voice steady.

Cisco pulled out his sucker with a loud pop, knowing the sound annoyed her to no end. However, Caitlin had long ago learned to deal with Cisco and Barry's idiosyncrasies, because not only were they her best friends, but because they had done the same for her. Besides, one made sure to have lunch with her on almost a daily basis and the other always brought Caitlin her morning cup of coffee from Jitters, just the way she liked it. Caitlin had never really done well with making friends before and when Cisco and Barry had stumbled into her life, she had truly realised how alone she had always been and how much happier they made her existence.

"Will this make _him_ happy though?" Cisco asked perceptively.

Caitlin raised big, brown eyes up at her long time friend. "Of course, you saw for yourself how ecstatic he was when Iris agreed to have dinner with him tonight. He really cares about her, Cisco."

"That's the problem. He's been so strung up over Iris for all these years that I'm worried he's blinded to what's right in front of him." Cisco said seriously, eyeing Caitlin pointedly.

Caitlin had stopped denying her feelings for Barry to Cisco for a long time now. Somewhere along the line of helping Barry overcome his grief when his father had died and coming so close to losing Barry after his accident had made her realise that she had loved him for longer than she had known.

At first it had been a friendship, a unique sort of relationship where she and Barry had turned to each other when Cisco couldn't quite understand their shared pain of losing a loved one. But then Caitlin had realised that ever since Barry had become such an integral part of her life, she had not been able to form romantic relationships with other men. She had struggled to understand why her affairs had always left her feeling as if something was missing until Cisco had pointed out that her heart was somewhere else, with someone else.

Cisco, who had found her crying one night over Barry's bedside, heartbroken over their friend's condition had pointed out her feelings for her. He had strangely asked her if she would cry that way over him if the situation had been reversed. When Caitlin had replied with a resounding "of course", he had looked at her funnily. It was the first time she had seen Cisco so pensive about anything, even his superhero video games.

Maybe it had been something in her eyes, or the tremble of her lips or the shaking of her hands as she sat at Barry's bedside for days, waiting for him to come back from the coma he had put himself into, but Cisco had known. He had known for a while and hearing her confession to Barry had only been confirmation for him. Cisco had heard how she had begged Barry to come back to her, telling the sleeping man that she loved him, that she needed him and didn't want to imagine a life without him. And later, when Caitlin thought about exactly what she had said to Barry in the heat of the moment that night, _how_ she had said it, she knew that Cisco had been right. She had become prey to one of the oldest clichés in history and fallen in love with her best friend.

Surprisingly, Cisco had not minded the romantic feelings Caitlin had developed for Barry and had encouraged her to tell him exactly how she had felt. Caitlin had let herself be talked into it. Only Iris had come back to Central City soon after Barry had woken up. This time Iris had not come back to visit for the day but had returned home and it was like Barry had been given a new purpose in life.

Iris had started spending more time with Barry, making all his old feelings for his childhood friend surface again and Barry had told Caitlin and Cisco that he had never stopped loving Iris. So how could Caitlin be so selfish as to admit her feelings for Barry when he had looked more alive than he had in days because of Iris?

Now, months later, it had come out that Iris had broken up with her long term boyfriend when he had refused to relocate to Central City with her, where she had been offered a job at Central City Picture News. So Caitlin had kept her mouth shut and let Barry renew his relationship with Iris until he had finally found the courage to ask her out. And of course, Iris had said yes.

"He's dated other girls before." Caitlin reminded Cisco about Linda Park and Patty Spivot.

Cisco pulled a disinterested face at this, pushing back dark strands of his long hair behind his ear. "Only because those girls basically threw themselves at him. If they hadn't, Barry wouldn't even have thought twice about it."

Caitlin thought that that was an unfair statement to make. Maybe Linda Park had been a little aggressive in her pursuit of Barry when they were younger, and that was probably why the relationship had fizzled out so quickly, but Patty had been good for Barry. It was just unfortunate that Barry had become so closed off after his father had gotten sick and had pushed Patty away, so far away that the poor girl had had to leave the city to mend her broken heart.

"Cisco, Barry has been in love with Iris since he was eleven years old. Let him have this opportunity to finally make his dream a reality."

"But that's exactly it, Cait. He's not eleven anymore." Cisco argued.

"But he still feels the same way about her, so that should be enough for you to be supportive." Caitlin chided gently.

"Oh, I am. I told him not to wear that ugly bow tie he insisted on buying for the occasion." Cisco said with disgust and Caitlin couldn't help but smile at this.

"Oh, thank God. I did too." They both grinned at each other before Cisco's face grew sombre once more.

"Seriously though, Cait, it's sad that Barry doesn't realise what he has right in front of him. This isn't the same as Linda or Patty. With Iris it's like nothing else exists. It's all he could talk about this week." Caitlin looked up at Cisco sadly.

"Are you worried that Barry will forget about us now that he has Iris?" She asked astutely. "That the dynamics of our trio will change?"

Cisco's mouth became a flat line. "Well we won't exactly be a trio with the addition of her, now will we? She doesn't even understand science. Sure she's beautiful and funny and she has history with Barry, but she's selfish, Cait."

"Cisco!" Caitlin gasped. Then the brunette frowned. Cisco was not normally the sort of person to be so disapproving of someone he barely knew. He also rarely badmouthed anyone, especially not someone of the female species and certainly not with such open dislike. Did he know something that she did not? "Cisco, you've only met her a handful of times, how can you possibly tell she's selfish?"

"Okay, this can never leave this room." Cisco whispered conspiratorially and Caitlin rolled her eyes. "I'm being serious, Cait, Barry confided in me man to man."

Caitlin couldn't help the grin that formed on her full lips. Cisco loved sharing secrets with Barry, their bromance meant a lot to him so Caitlin had always allowed Cisco to believe that there were some things about Barry that only he knew.

"When Barry learned that Iris had been offered that reporting job out of Central City and was about to leave, he had finally admitted his feelings for her. But she had turned him down, telling him that she didn't feel the same way about him and that she was in love with her older boyfriend who she planned on moving in with once she left the city." Cisco blurted.

Caitlin's eyes widened. Clearly there _were_ things that Cisco knew about Barry that she didn't. She wondered why Barry had never told her that before but decided that it wasn't important right now. "Poor Barry."

"Yeah, and we know that Iris broke up with her boyfriend because he was just promoted to detective in his department and refused to move cities with her." Cisco stated as if Iris really was the worst person alive.

Caitlin frowned at this. "It doesn't make her selfish, Cisco, it just makes her ambitious."

"All I'm saying is that if she was willing to leave Eddie after years of dating … well, you know Barry isn't the most emotionally stable person when it comes to relationships and if she did that to him … " Cisco trailed off dramatically and while Caitlin rolled her brown eyes at her friend, she knew there was some truth to what he was saying as well.

"Cisco, that's horrible. You should give them both more credit than that. Besides, we don't really know what happened between Iris and Eddie." Caitlin reasoned. "Look, I know you're scared that things will change between the three of us, and you're right, it's quite possible that things will never be the same again, but we don't know that for sure. This is only Barry's first date. We don't know where it'll lead to but we're his friends, we should support him no matter what happens. Our group was bound to change if any one of us found someone we were crazy about, so let's give Barry the benefit of the doubt here, okay?"

Caitlin stared at Cisco and after a while he nodded his head. "I still think you should have told him how you feel about him." When Caitlin sighed and stared at Cisco in exasperation, her best friend held up his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay, don't shoot me. I'm just saying you can't be selfless all the time."

 **. . .**

Caitlin looked up from her keys and took a startled step back, hand to her heart. "Barry?" She asked as her best friend stood up from the carpeted floor outside her apartment door.

"I'm sorry. I should have called and let you know I was coming over." He said ruefully, rubbing a hand behind his head.

Caitlin took one look at his forlorn expression, dejected shoulders and that dorky bowtie Cisco and she had warned him not to wear, hanging open around the collar of his finest cotton shirt, and instantly knew that something was wrong.

"Since when do you ever call first?" She teased and was pleased to see a small smile ruefully appear at the corner of his mouth. "Come on in." She offered slowly as he stepped aside for her to open up. He followed Caitlin inside before shutting the door slowly behind him.

From years of dealing with an upset Barry she knew when she needed to probe him and when to let him speak first. This was one of those times when she would need to wait for him. It turned out that Caitlin did not need to wait very long after all.

"What would you do if I took you out to a fancy restaurant for dinner, sat awkwardly across from you with nothing to say and then had to leave half way through our meal because the CCPD needed me?" Caitlin hid a wince, carefully masking her expression as she realised that his date with Iris had clearly not gone very well. The brunette set her bag and keys down, shrugged off her coat and hung it up neatly before turning to face Barry again.

"Why had the CCPD called you in?" Caitlin bought herself some time as she thought about what to say to Barry that didn't scream out _I would be thrilled to go out on a real date with you regardless of the details_.

She knew he loved his job as a forensic investigator at the Central City Police Department but hadn't believed that anything could have pulled him away from his date with Iris, even if it had been an awkward one at that.

"Julian is away on personal leave." Caitlin knew that Barry was frowning slightly, something he always did when he spoke about his work nemesis. This time though, Julian was spared the criticism about being a hypocrite as clearly Barry had more pressing issues at hand. "So?" Barry prodded. "What would you have done?"

"Firstly, you would never take me to a fancy restaurant." Caitlin turned around and gave Barry a cheeky smile.

"Oh?" He raised his eyebrows playfully at her before plopping down on her comfortable couch.

Caitlin went to the kitchen and brought him a bottle of his favourite beer before taking her place next to him. "Yes, you would insist that I needed to loosen up a little so you would take me to a noisy ballgame or childish gaming arcade and make me wear a pair of jeans I don't own."

Barry grinned at her, his expression so unknowingly charming in that moment that Caitlin wanted to say whatever she could to ease away his tension. "Really? Didn't we do that already? The ballgame I mean." Barry asked, taking a swig of his beer and then passing the bottle over to her.

He knew she preferred wine to beer, but sharing drinks with each other had become an unknowing habit between them since their drunken college nights together. As they had grown older the back and forth passing of beverages had extended to whatever the other was having.

"Yes, and you got punched in the face for it as well." Caitlin smiled as she reminded him about the embarrassing incident.

"Hey, I was defending your honour." Barry protested, sitting up and looking at Caitlin in mock offence.

"Barry, you were as skinny as a toothpick back then, and he was double your size. You could barely manage to defend yourself. You should have ignored him." Caitlin insisted.

"He called you a bitch, I couldn't ignore that." Barry gave her a rare frown and the fact that, even after all these years, the drunken man's slur at Caitlin still angered him, made the brunette's chest swell with emotion for him.

"My hero." Caitlin said genuinely as she reached out and smoothed her fingers through the tufts of his dark hair that always stood up on end, earning her an affectionate smile from Barry. There was a moment of comfortable silence between them, where they were both happy to just be in each others presence, relaxing companionably as they unwound after a long day. "So, I take it things didn't go too well between you and Iris tonight?"

Barry sighed heavily, turning sideways on the couch so he could see her better. Caitlin mirrored his position, their knees brushing innocently as they looked at one other.

"I was nervous. But she handled it really well, calming me down when I started babbling, like you do." Barry lowered his eyelids before focusing his attention back on Caitlin. "But then we sat across from each other and it was like we didn't know what to talk about. We spoke about the good old days and the things we remembered at first, but eventually the topic ran its course and it was like we were strangers then. We have different memories after that and every time I tried to speak to her about something it just didn't make sense to her."

Caitlin raised an eyebrow at this. "Please don't tell me you made a joke about science or videogames?"

Barry looked affronted. "Hey, you laugh at my jokes all the time."

"Out of pity." Caitlin teased before her expression turned serious. "Barry, Iris and you might have different interests now, but that doesn't mean you don't have anything in common."

"That's just the thing, Cait, what if we're just too different right now?" Barry sounded distressed by the possibility.

Caitlin idly wondered if maybe Cisco had been right about Barry's feelings for Iris. Obviously they were genuine, it was just the type of person Barry was, but what if he had built up this idea of Iris in his head that she didn't live up to now? Barry had a knack of taking on all the blame for every situation, bearing the brunt of the world's burden on his shoulders. Caitlin would hate for Barry to think that if things between Iris and him didn't work out that it was entirely his fault; that it was something he needed to fix. However, their relationship needed a chance and so she could only help her best friend deal with his feelings for the time being.

"Nonsense." Caitlin refuted. "You guys grew up in the same neighbourhood together. You were best friends in school. You may not be the same people anymore, Barry, but all that means is that you guys get to make new memories together. Take an interest in each others lives, like normal people do when starting off a relationship."

Barry looked thoughtfully at his bottle. "Yeah, I guess we could rebuild our friendship first. Get to know each other again."

"Exactly." Caitlin agreed. "Give her a call, ask her out on a second date, at least you'll know where you stand then."

"You're right. I'll do that." Barry grinned like a little boy who had just been told he could have an extra cookie after lunch and Caitlin couldn't help but feel happy for him even though her stomach lurched with disappointment in the process. She pushed the conflicting emotions aside.

"If anything, I'm surprised she didn't run away at the sight of this monstrosity." Caitlin reached for the ugly, polka dotted bowtie around his neck and pulled it off, hiding it beneath the cushions of her couch. Barry playfully shoved her.

"Hey, you owe me ninety-nine dollars for that." He laughed before he sank into the sofa, clearly feeling better about his night. Caitlin threw her long hair over the back of the headrest and copied Barry's relaxed position.

"I'll take it back to the store for you." Caitlin said disinterestedly and she knew that Barry was grinning at this.

He scooted closer to her and Caitlin inhaled Barry in. He always smelt like the cool air after a lightning storm, clean and fresh, revitalising. "Thanks." He said softly, nudging her arm with his and Caitlin placed her head on his shoulder in a moment of weakness knowing that such a notion would only ever be viewed with friendly innocence by Barry. He sighed peacefully beside her and Caitlin's eyelids drooped.

She had fallen asleep like this many nights before and Barry always carried her to bed, tucking her in before he left. Tonight would be no different.


	2. Chapter 2

**Say You Won't Let Go**

 _ **Chapter Two**_

 _Barry had not yet looked up from the serviette where Linda Park had boldly written down her number for him, and even though Caitlin was perusing through her study notes, his friend could tell that he was contemplating whether or not he should call the other woman._

" _Are you going to call her?" Caitlin asked nonchalantly, casually flipping through a page of her notes._

" _Of course he will." Cisco piped up from beside her but Caitlin knew that Barry was watching her, waiting patiently for her opinion on the matter. "She's hot." Cisco spoke around his lollipop bulging cheek._

 _Caitlin looked up at this, rolling her eyes at her other friend. "There are more important qualities to a woman than how she looks, Cisco." Caitlin told him sternly and Cisco shook his shaggy head at her. She wished he would get his hair cut._

" _Not at our age." He replied before stealing her notebook away from her, earning him a stern glare in return. Caitlin and Cisco had become friends after she had been left with no choice but to partner up with him in her bioengineering class._

 _At first she had been ready to beg her professor to reconsider changing her partner, or at least allowing her to work alone. After all, the beach bum looking boy, whose poor attempt at humour couldn't possibly have an intelligence quotient high enough to be admitted into such an intellectual class. However, Cisco had surprised Caitlin. When they had gotten down to it, Cisco had proved very early on that he possessed an ingenious mind and an extraordinary pair of hands. He had impressed her with his unique ideas and inventive thinking, earning her respect and gaining her friendship in the process. Caitlin had grown fond of Cisco and even his lame jokes had started to make her laugh._

" _Should I?" Barry spoke directly to Caitlin now. "She seems pretty …_ intense _." Barry watched the brunette through hooded lids._

" _There's no harm in giving it a shot, Barry. She's clearly taken with you and you can't remain stuck in the past forever." Caitlin advised sincerely, taking a sip of her coffee before passing it on to Barry._

 _Silence lingered between Barry and Caitlin as they stared at each other. It appeared as if both wanted to say more, but neither spoke at all. Cisco looked up casually, eyeing his two friends with a pensive frown._

" _I guess you're right." Barry said suddenly. He folded the serviette neatly and tucked it into the front pocket of his chequered shirt._

" _Just don't bring her around often if you're not serious about her." Caitlin said earnestly._

 _Barry and Cisco knew her well enough to know that it took her a while to warm up to people and that she was particularly selective about who she associated with. In hindsight, it was probably the reason why Barry and Cisco had become her only close friends, because upon meeting her, Caitlin's initial frostiness had not deterred them from worming their way into her heart._

" _Is that why we haven't seen Hunter around in a while?" Barry eyed Caitlin slyly over the rim of their shared coffee cup. "'Cause you're not serious about him?"_

 _Caitlin bit her lip thoughtfully before pulling back her notebook from Cisco. "Hey." He complained good naturedly before leaning back to look at Caitlin._

" _Actually, Hunter isn't very fond of you guys, especially you, Barry." Caitlin mumbled keeping her brown head bent._

" _Me?" Barry sat back in his chair. While his voice was coloured with disbelief, if Caitlin didn't know any better, she would have said that Barry sounded a little pleased over the idea of Hunter disliking him. "What could he possibly have against me?"_

 _Caitlin shrugged uncomfortably. Over the last three years she had shared a lot of intimate details concerning her past with Barry and Cisco, but she still found it difficult to open up to them about everything because she did not like burdening others with her issues._

 _The truth was that while Hunter was a handsome, strong athlete who treated Caitlin well enough, she hated the way he tried to assert his dominance over her at times. Hunter especially did this when other men were around Caitlin. His touches would turn possessive, his endearments would become boastful and she detested being treated like arm candy. She was smarter than that._

" _Anyway, I don't think that Hunter will be around much longer." Caitlin said coolly._

" _Oh, finally." Cisco blurted out enthusiastically, throwing his hands up in the air dramatically._

 _Caitlin turned wide eyes between Barry and Cisco. The first was trying to suppress a grin and failing miserably while the latter was smiling widely at her. "Did you guys ever like him?"_

" _No." Barry and Cisco replied in unison._

 _Caitlin huffed. "Thanks for your transparency and honesty." The brunette flipped through her pages testily._

" _Oh, come on, Cait. The dude made you wear a t-shirt to his race, with his face plastered on it. He's a narcissist." Cisco told her with distaste._

 _Caitlin grimaced. "That was quite awful."_

 _Barry nodded his dark head in agreement. "What did you do with that shirt anyway?"_

 _Caitlin gave them a mischievous smile, that unbeknownst to her, gave her an air of sexiness that she was unaware she possessed. "I accidentally left the hot iron on it."_

 _The three friends laughed at this, more so over Caitlin's rare expression of blushing cheeks and gleaming eyes, before falling into a companionable silence. A few minutes passed before Caitlin spoke again, her husky voice soft. "I guess it was just nice having someone so handsome and popular interested in me that I sort of just agreed to go with the flow. I mean, you guys are always telling me that I need to get out more."_

 _Barry frowned at this. "Cait, there are loads of nicer guys out there who would love to be with you, you don't need to settle for the sake of it."_

 _Caitlin scoffed at this. "Yes, because every amorous male at twenty wants a nerd whose nose is stuck so deep in her books that she sometimes forgets to wash her hair."_

" _Well, if you remembered to wash you hair occasionally," Cisco tugged at her greasy ponytail to emphasise his point. "and wore those pencil skirts and silk camisoles your mother sends you, I think you would find that you could do way better than Hunter Zolomon."_

 _Caitlin's full lips thinned at this. She did not have the typical mother/daughter relationship with Dr Carla Tannhauser that most people had. In fact, ever since Caitlin had moved to Central City, her relationship with her mother was becoming nonexistent. "My mother clearly doesn't remember what it's like to be a college student with a stressful work load."_

" _I think you look fine just the way you are." Barry said sincerely._

 _However, even though Caitlin was more obsessed over the anatomy of a dead body than her live one, being described as fine was as reassuring as being told that she was the moth in a place full of butterflies._

" _Thanks, Barry." Caitlin responded mordantly._

 _Her sarcasm was not lost on Barry who knew her well enough now to tell her different tones apart. "All I'm saying is that sometimes, great possibilities are right in front of us, and we don't see them because we choose not to."_

 _Caitlin glanced up at Barry as he handed her back her coffee cup. She took it, her fingers brushing his. There eyes held and for a moment she caught a glint of something hidden behind his green gaze. Caitlin frowned. Maybe Barry was right. Maybe she should be with someone who accepted her for her. He stared at her and she smiled._

" _Maybe I need to find someone new to be crazy about." Caitlin told him thoughtfully._

 _He lowered his eyes, nodding his head with an enigmatic smile on his handsome face, one that she hadn't seen before. And maybe he would call Linda Park after all. The pair was oblivious to Cisco's dark eyes roving back and forth between them as Caitlin frowned and Barry nodded his head._

* * *

 **KILLER** Frost grimaced as she held out her arms. The force of restraining Zoom was taking its toll on her. Yet she persisted, gritting her teeth determinedly and concentrating solely on keeping the super villain immobile.

"As fun as this is, I don't think I can hold him off for much longer. A little help here boys." She breathed into her comm. system.

"Sorry, Cait, I'm a bit tied up at the moment." Vibe responded distractedly as she heard his ragged voice filter through her earpiece. She guessed his counterpart was proving to be more difficult to manage than he had expected, which was a good thing because both Cisco and Vibe enjoyed a challenge.

Killer Frost bit her bottom lip hard and poured more energy into her hands, feeling the ice from her veins trickle through her fingers. However she began to feel the pull of Zoom's strength as the speedster cracked through her icy cage.

"Oh oh." The white haired woman muttered as the black figure emerged from her cold control.

She closed her arctic blue eyes instinctively as the speedster made his way towards her. Scientifically she wasn't fast enough to out run him. Killer Frost lurched to the side, her feet leaving the ground as she was carried away into the midst of the wind. She may not be fast enough, but he was.

"Flash." She gasped and he set her down gently, his uncovered mouth giving her a wolfish grin before turning around and speeding off into the distance again. Killer Frost's blue lips smirked as she watched the scarlet blur rush off.

" _Level successfully completed."_

Caitlin looked up as the computerised voice of the videogame spoke of team Flash's success. In reality Caitlin removed her four dimensional headset and grinned at Barry and Cisco who were carefully storing their own ones away. The brunette handed hers over to Cisco and flattened down her hair.

"Great work, guys." Barry told them seriously, as if they really had just saved Central City from a twisted speedster.

The Flash was a superhero videogame that Cisco had designed. The product had become highly successful as soon as it had hit the market, requiring Cisco to add more storylines to his initial concept. It was a brilliant creation of an alternate, virtual reality, where the experiences were so thrilling that it never felt like just a game. The characters had been inspired by Cisco's life and the personal touch had clearly added something special to the game. Even if very few people were aware of the fact that his superheroes and villains were visualised after real people Cisco had met in his life.

Caitlin went over to join the boys at her coffee table. She picked up a taco, picking off the flakes of chilli on it and adding it onto her own food before handing the snack over to Barry. He handed her his bottle of water in turn. Cisco gave them both napkins and the tired threesome sat down.

Caitlin plopped down on her couch, Barry coming to sit on the floor next to her, his elbow on her knee. Cisco knelt down on the opposite side of the table, facing his friends while dolling out more guacamole onto his nachos.

If Barry, Caitlin and Cisco weren't having old sci-fi movie marathons or joining up with their friends in Star City for a weekend away, then they could be found at Caitlin's apartment, testing out Cisco's latest videogames. It was a Friday night routine for them that they had first shied away from, feeling like the nerds they were called, but had learned to appreciate more as they grew older. It kept them grounded and their friendship in tact.

"So, what would you guys think about involving another character into the mix?" Barry asked uncertainly, leaning forward to pick up two mini pizzas, handing one to Caitlin over his shoulder and popping the other into his mouth.

Caitlin looked over at Cisco who was enjoying his food too much to realise what Barry had meant. Caitlin knew though. Barry had been seeing Iris for over three months now and their relationship was progressing rapidly. Barry was madly in love with his childhood friend, all over again, and it was clear that he now wanted her to be involved in all aspects of his life, including the time he spent with Caitlin and Cisco. Caitlin chewed carefully but her food suddenly tasted like ash in her mouth.

She had been expecting this meeting for a while now and she told herself that she was ready, but she knew that nothing could prepare her for what was to come. She wasn't naïve enough to think that seeing Barry with someone else would be easy, but for his sake, she would endure it.

"Haven't we enough characters already. I mean, even Thea Queen has a videogame persona now." Cisco said through his mouthful of food.

"You weren't complaining when you got to physically scan her in her underwear to create her avatar." Barry commented knowingly.

Cisco's cheeks turned red and he looked down shamefully. "Yes, well, it wasn't all that great when big brother was there, breathing down my neck." Barry and Caitlin stifled a laugh over how Oliver Queen had insisted on accompanying his sister when Cisco had created an avatar for Thea in one of his videogames.

"Anyway, I was actually talking about Iris." Caitlin knew that Barry was pretending to dust off imaginary crumbs from his jean clad thighs as he waited for Cisco and Caitlin to share a look.

Cisco stopped chewing, his cheeks still full of food and looked over at Caitlin in askance. His expression would have been comical if the situation had not been so serious. It had become a habit for the threesome to discuss the inclusion of others into their tight-knit group first. Their interests and likes didn't always appeal to everyone and that was probably why their only other close friends were all somehow involved in the science and technology world.

Caitlin's brown eyes narrowed slightly as she watched Cisco. He clearly was feeling a little intimidated by the inclusion of Iris into their little group as well, but what possible reason could they give their best friend for not wanting to involve Iris in their friendship. Barry was clearly very serious about his new girlfriend and it was time they started feeling the same way about her as a friend.

So Caitlin imperceptibly nodded her head, and while Cisco did his best to hide his flinch, Caitlin noticed it. "Okay, I guess I could come up with a character for her. Like a journalist whose sole intent is to uncover the Flash's true identity so she decides to be at every single one of our battles."

For all his initial reluctance, Caitlin could see the excitement of Cisco having a new player to introduce into his game take over. If his trial runs did well, that would mean a whole new season to launch for his videogame.

"Thanks, man." Barry's grin was so wide that even though Caitlin's stomach tied itself up in knots over meeting Iris and seeing Barry and her together, the brunette was happy to have given Barry another reason to smile.

Cisco started muttering to himself as he got that far away look in his eyes, the one he usually got when he was inspired, and he stood up and rushed over to Caitlin's desk to find a pen and piece of paper. No doubt he needed to write down his ideas before he could forget them.

Barry turned his excited smile to Caitlin and she did her best to mirror the look, running her fingers through his soft, brown hair. He squeezed her knee before going back to her coffee table for a drink and Caitlin tried her hardest to keep her leg from jerking back. With a sad smile directed at the back of Barry's head she leaned against her headrest and inhaled deeply. And so it would begin.

 **. . .**

Caitlin looked around the bustling conference room. The posh interior was overshadowed by the expensive suits and skinny nerds standing around admiring technology that was beyond the normal mind.

It didn't take long for the doctor to spot Barry and Cisco standing off in a corner, chatting animatedly. She saw Cisco mutter something and heard Barry chuckle excitedly, his lithe form bending over in excitement. She knew the sound of both her best friends' laughter intimately and she felt a rush of emotion for them swell up inside of her chest.

Caitlin made her way towards the two men and when they saw her approaching their expressive eyes lit up. Barry gave her a broad grin and Cisco waved her over enthusiastically. Caitlin directed a warm smile at the pair as she made her way over.

"Hey, Cait." Cisco greeted. "We were just talking about how the last time we came to one of these things, the prototype for the Atom satellite went haywire and shot you in the rear end."

Caitlin's cheeks blazed pink, something her fair complexion could not hide. Next to her Barry tried to conceal his grin behind his champagne glass but was failing miserably. "Give me that." Caitlin muttered with embarrassment, reaching for Barry's drink.

"In the Atom's defence, it was a really nice skirt." Barry managed through his chuckling, serving to make Cisco laugh harder and Caitlin turned red.

"Why do I even bother to come to these things with you guys?" She huffed and Barry pulled her into his side for a comforting hug.

"Because you really have no social life outside of science." Cisco replied back haughtily and Barry laughed again.

"True." He looked down at Caitlin with a sympathetic wince and the brunette shrugged indifferently at them but knew that they were right. All their friends were somehow or the other connected to the same things.

"Anyway, Ray was gracious enough to screen a promo for the latest instalment of the Flash later tonight, which is amazing if I do say so myself." Cisco spoke proudly.

Ray Palmer, CEO of Palmer Technology had been the one to encourage Cisco to follow his dreams and become a videogame programmer, much to the chagrin of the Ramone family who thought it was a waste of Cisco's talent.

"Hey, isn't that Bruce Wayne?" Barry showed them the billionaire philanthropist and notorious playboy of Gotham City standing off to a side, looking decidedly bored. His tall, muscular frame and striking good looks set him apart from the other men in the room. His casual stance made him appear to be aloof, but Caitlin could see his blue eyes were piercing as he studied the crowd he stood apart from.

"He's so hot." Caitlin blurted and immediately felt two pairs of disapproving eyes on her. She gave them a shy smile and shrugged. "I mean, genetically speaking. 'Cause I'm a geneticist of course. Oh my God, do I sound like Felicity?" Caitlin's eyebrows knitted together as she prattled on just like their friend Felicity Smoak rambles.

Barry rolled his dark green eyes at her while Cisco pursed his lips as if he knew better than her feeble excuse, which he did. Then something in the distance caught Barry's attention.

"There's Felicity." Barry pointed out and Caitlin and Cisco turned around to see the blonde technician searching the room with a frazzled look on her face.

"Is she sick?" Cisco frowned as the trio studied Felicity. When she spotted them she dashed forward, as if she had been drowning and was suddenly thrown a lifeboat.

Caitlin frowned. Felicity, who was normally as put together as Caitlin was, with her slicked back ponytails, pencil skirts and designer heels was definitely looking harassed. The blonde's face was pale, her eyes bulbous behind her thick rimmed glasses and her silk top slightly rumpled.

Barry's frown deepened and he shared a worried look with Caitlin who shrugged uneasily to show that she was none the wiser as to why exactly Felicity was looking as if the hellhounds of Hades were after her. Barry returned his gaze to Felicity who was approaching them with a ferocious speed that almost made her trip over her high heels.

"Cisco." Felicity greeted distractedly as she embraced Caitlin. "Remind me to shop in your closet again, Cait." The blonde added taking in Caitlin's sophisticated outfit, before looking desperately over at Barry. "Can I borrow you for a moment, please?" Felicity tugged Barry's arm without waiting for his reply or a response from the others and Caitlin and Cisco frowned.

"Err, yeah, sure." Barry shrugged at his friends.

"He'll fill you guys in later. I just don't want to have this conversation here. And if you see Ray, Cisco could you please keep him engaged in a conversation about one of your latest ideas. Oh, and I wasn't here, okay? It'll all make sense later, promise." Felicity babbled over her shoulder as she walked away from them with a baffled Barry in tow.

"Well, at least we know she isn't sick." Cisco said bemusedly. "She just spoke over a dozen words in under a minute."

Caitlin nodded at this, her mind still on Felicity. "We'll know what's got her so worked up soon enough."

 **. . .**

As it happened, Caitlin and Cisco did not need to wait long for Barry's return, without Felicity this time. He motioned for Caitlin and Cisco to follow him with his dark head and the pair did so. The trio made their way over to the French windows, stepping out into the quieter terrace area.

"Felicity saw a ring, which looks suspiciously like an engagement ring, in Ray's dresser this morning." Barry blurted out as if he too was finding it difficult to carry the burden of such a big secret around.

"That's great news." Caitlin squealed, jumping up slightly in her excitement. Cisco and Barry who rarely ever saw her get girlishly excited over anything frowned down at her. Barry gave her a shake of his head, his lips down turned, making Caitlin's eyebrows knit together. "I mean that's awful?" Caitlin amended before grimacing at her words. "Wait, why is this not great news again?"

"Yeah." Cisco added. "Is she worried about how she's going to keep the fact that she knows a secret from Ray or about how she will pull of a surprised face when he proposes to her. 'Cause that definitely sounds like something Felicity would bite her nails over."

Caitlin nodded, knowing their close friend well. Barry shook his head though. "No, now that marrying Ray is a very real possibility, she's having doubts."

Caitlin and Cisco gave each other incredulous looks. "Why? They've been together for over two years now, marriage seems like the logical next step, doesn't it?" Caitlin looked from Barry to Cisco, the latter nodded in agreement with her.

Barry tilted his head to the side, giving them a look that said, "Oh, come on" and Caitlin bit her lip thoughtfully. Barry reached out and gently grabbed her chin with his thumb and forefinger, shaking her jaw affectionately like he normally did when she bit her lip in his presence. Caitlin's brown eyes widened.

"This is about Oliver, isn't it?" Caitlin asked and Barry released her face, nodding in confirmation of Caitlin's suspicions.

"She's still in love with him." Cisco added astutely beside them.

"But, Barry, Felicity and Oliver have been over for years now. She's happy with Ray." Caitlin's worry increased over her friend's predicament.

"It's not like her feelings for Oliver just went away though. We know better than anyone how much they loved each other, how far they were willing to go for one another. Hell, we all thought that they were the ideal couple back in college." Barry defended.

Cisco nodded his dark head. "It was tough choosing between Oliver and Ray. I mean, Oliver was the rich, older guy who got us into those wicked parties and made us feel cool. But Ray, oh he's so brilliant. I mean his technology could take over this planet and ..."

"Ciscooooo." Barry and Caitlin drawled out together, both turning around at the same time to give Cisco the "not now" look. It was true that Cisco had developed a man crush on both men, but now was not the time to be debating who was better for Felicity. After all, hadn't Felicity already made her decision?

"Okay, okay, I get it, not now." Cisco took a small step back and raised both his hands up in defence.

Caitlin and Barry turned back to face each other seriously. "I hope you told her to pull herself together and stop living in the past, Barry." Caitlin said sternly and Barry frowned at this.

"Why would I tell her that, Cait? She's conflicted right now. She needs my support not my disapproval." Barry replied.

"Why is she conflicted? She's had years to figure this out. What about Ray? This is so unfair to him. She shouldn't have been in a relationship with him, led him on, if she still has feelings for Oliver." Caitlin's voice was passionate and Cisco could only stare hopelessly between Barry and Caitlin, knowing full well that an argument was brewing between them.

"So what was she supposed to do? Stop living her life, live in the past forever? It's not like she lied to Ray, she cares about him deeply." Barry argued.

Caitlin's brown eyes narrowed. "What did you tell Felicity to do, Barry?" Her tone was calm, too calm and Cisco was busy shaking his head imperceptibly at Barry from the side, in clear warning, but Barry didn't notice because his green eyes was fixated on Caitlin.

"I told her to go and talk to Oliver, tell him how she feels. She can't marry someone else if she's still in love with him." Barry made it sound so logical, so easy and it angered Caitlin.

Barry had always been a hopeless romantic. His solution to almost all his problems had always been for him to follow his heart. The only flaw with that ideology was that life was not black and white. Caitlin and Barry had had this debate countless of times before, but mostly Barry was too naïve to see things from her point of view. She wondered how Barry, someone like herself, who had suffered through so much of pain and loss in his life, could be so idealistic when the loss of her brother and father had made Caitlin more logical and detached. Unfortunately she had never figured out the answer to that conundrum. She just guessed that maybe the same situations had different effects on different people.

Caitlin stomped her foot down in frustration. "Barry, that isn't logical."

Barry's frowned deepened, clearly getting agitated as well. "The heart isn't logical, Cait."

"Okay, fine. For arguments sake, let's say that Felicity does decide to _follow her heart_ and tell Oliver exactly how she feels, after they can finally be in the same room together without hurting each other. She would be taking a major risk that could lead to pain and rejection if Oliver doesn't feel the same way about her any longer. Not to mention obliterating her friendship with Ray and a two year relationship as well. She'll be giving up all that guaranteed love and respect over the possibility of Oliver still being in love with her. It's not even a calculated risk." Caitlin groaned out.

Barry stared at her in surprise. Caitlin's vehemence over the situation clearly took him aback. "Sounds like she's speaking from experience." Cisco muttered next to them. However the pair was too busy glaring at one another, stubborn and upset that the other wasn't seeing things from their point of view, that neither heard their other friend.

"What if Ollie feels the same way about her but is too scared to say anything because he thinks she's happier with Ray and is completely over him? Honestly, if fear of rejection is the only thing that is holding them back, when their love and happiness is at stake, then they need to take that _risk_." Barry countered determinedly, holding on steadfastly to his opinions.

"There are more important things than love, Barry, like respect, understanding … friendship." Caitlin said almost sadly now, her chest heaving as she took in a deep breath, slowly realising that she was fighting a losing battle.

Barry gaped at Caitlin incredulously. Looking heavenwards he ran a hand behind his head before returning his gaze to his friend. "More important things than love? Cait, love is all of those things – respect, understanding, friendship – it's everything."

"Yes, but there are different kinds of love, Barry. Not everyone who love each other end up being lovers." Caitlin spoke softly but Barry couldn't hear the pain behind her voice over his own argument or see the hurt in her eyes over his own disbelief.

"Well they should be." Barry said firmly. "I mean, isn't that what you told me, Cait?" Barry's voice also lowered a notch, matching Caitlin's soft tones now. He watched her through hooded lids. "If two people love each other, nothing else matters besides fulfilling that desire to be together. Regardless of the pain in between, be it in life or death, love doesn't mean anything if lovers can't be together."

Caitlin froze.

Once, while the trio had been arguing over Romeo and Juliet, Barry had admitted that he hated the Shakespeare classic because of its tragic ending. Barry couldn't stand the fact that two people who loved each other so much couldn't be together. Caitlin had said those exact words to Barry, to make him feel better, reminding him that Romeo and Juliet were together. She had told him that the star crossed lovers had chosen to die because they couldn't bear to live without the other. They had chosen death only to be with each other. In the end, not only had Caitlin made Barry feel better about the play, but she had also surprised him with her romantic outlook on love.

Caitlin was at a loss for words. What could she possibly say to argue her point when Barry had used her own words against her, exactly as she had said them? Years later. He was holding on to a belief that she had given him. How could she tell him now that she had been mistaken? That fulfilling your love wasn't promised for everyone, that for her, love was an endless, aching need.

Barry and Caitlin stared at each other for a long moment, both lost in memories of the past and trying to figure out exactly why they were so angry with each other over a situation that ultimately, didn't involve them. Felicity was both their friends, more so Barry's than hers, but Caitlin and the blonde had long ago formed a special bond over their mutual love for Barry, science and technology.

Neither heard Cisco clear his throat beside them. "You guys, is this really worth getting upset with each other over?" Cisco's voice was sad over the fact that two of his very best friends, who were so close to each other, missed what was right in front of them.

Neither Barry nor Caitlin looked away from each other though and Cisco could only sigh. When the pair was intently engaged in an argument, it was like he suddenly became invisible to them. They were the only people who existed for each other.

"After all, if it hadn't been for your encouragement, I wouldn't be with Iris right now. I would have lost out on the opportunity to be in love and happy. I would have missed out again." Barry's voice was soft.

For a moment Caitlin felt like Barry had slapped her in the face. The pain of his words became tangible and it stung her to the very core of her being. Because he was right, hadn't she encouraged Barry to pursue his feelings for Iris because she had wanted nothing more than for him to be happy, regardless of her own feelings or Iris'? Now he was doing the exact same for his friend, wanting Felicity to be happy but Caitlin was siding with Ray. Caitlin was thinking about exactly how Ray would feel if Felicity left him for Oliver because she felt that way everyday when Barry chose Iris over her. Then Caitlin shook her head, it wasn't fair getting angry at Barry when he had no clue how she felt. She was being irrational in her anger over comparing the two situations. They weren't exactly the same.

"I'm glad it all worked out for you in the end, Barry. I really am." Caitlin said sincerely, her throat constricting with emotion. "But that was not something for you to tell Felicity. That was for Ray to say." Caitlin couldn't help but tell her obtuse friend, hoping to set him straight.

"Why?" Barry asked. "You said it to me, what's the difference between me and Ray or you and Ray for that matter?"

Caitlin couldn't help the sad smile that made her eyes brim with unshed tears and her voice burn with bitterness. "You're right, Barry, there really is no difference between Ray and I. Excuse me." Caitlin turned away from Barry, walking off as fast as her long, shapely legs and high heels could take her.

"Caitlin." Cisco called out sorrowfully, turning around to go after her. But she waved a hand behind her and he knew that this was one of those times when she wanted to be alone. And unfortunately the one person who could generally talk her out of her slump was the reason she was so upset today.

Barry exhaled heavily; regret immediately shining on his face. He ran a hand behind his head, turning around in exasperation to grip the railings that housed the terrace. Cisco slapped Barry on the back supportively. He couldn't really be upset with Barry when his best friend was blind to Caitlin's feelings. He sometimes did get frustrated with Barry, but he would never choose between either of them and he was fortunate that they would never ask him to.

Barry turned around in surprise and it was evident that he had completely forgotten about Cisco's presence there. Then he gave Cisco a rueful smile. "Honestly, I don't even know why we got so angry at each other now." Barry gave Cisco one of those childlike looks that made it hard to strangle him for being so dense.

"Don't worry, man, it's exactly this sort of naivety that will get her to forgive you later on." Cisco nodded his head sagely and while he knew it to be true and felt relieved by Barry's chuckle, he couldn't deny that this time, something felt incredibly different.

The tide was changing and Cisco knew that in the end, they would all pay the price for Barry's ignorance and Caitlin's stubbornness. They would pay with their friendship.


	3. Chapter 3

**Say You Won't Let Go**

 _ **Chapter Three**_

 _The rustling of leaves around her suddenly made Caitlin feel silly for being out alone, in the middle of nowhere, after dark. The pale moonlight that lit the grassy hilltop did nothing to help her see beyond a ten foot radius. Only Caitlin loved coming out here when she needed to get away from the bustling of the town below her. The City lights in the distance, with S.T.A.R Laboratory's tallest beam blazing red, from her vantage point made the hill she currently stood on in Central City, her favourite place in the world right now. And usually, Caitlin had the entire hilltop to herself. Tonight was a little different though. Fortunately Caitlin was too wise a person to forgo safety precautions, so of course she was prepared to deal with harmful situations if they ever arose._

" _Who's there?" She asked the dark figure that was looming ever closer. It was tall and its breathing was coming out in short gasps. "I'm warning you, I have a licensed revolver in my hands and I'm not afraid to shoot." Caitlin said loudly, brandishing her weapon in front of her body._

" _Whoa." The voice clearly belonged to a man and Caitlin's fingers gripped her weapon tighter. "Relax, I'm harmless, seriously." The figure stepped closer, arms held up in surrender._

 _Caitlin looked the tall boy over. He looked about the same age as her. He was dressed in sweat pants and a fitting t-shirt that made it clear he had been innocently jogging this way when he had stumbled upon her._

" _Sorry, I was just about to take a break from my run on the hilltop." His voice was low and kind, his head dark as he nodded towards the place where Caitlin stood at._

 _The brunette eyed him speculatively, but considering his hands were still held up and he had not taken a step closer towards her, she could tell that he really was harmless. Then he smiled at her, making the corners of his eyes crinkle up in a way that told her he enjoyed laughing._

" _Nice revolver." He jerked his head towards her weapon, which happened to be a can of pepper spray, and Caitlin blushed guiltily before shakily lowering her defences._

" _This is the first time I've come across anyone here at this hour." Caitlin's voice was accusing and she still held her can of pepper spray tightly at her side._

 _The stranger shrugged. "I haven't been up here in quite a while to be honest, but I've missed it. The stillness that's only punctuated by the random cab honk from down there, the smell of honeysuckle the wind carries in the night …" He trailed off with a self conscious chuckle and a hand behind his head._

 _Caitlin would have described the hilltop just as he had but there was still one thing that she wanted to know before she could trust that he used to come here often. "Which light shines the brightest and tallest from this point of view?"_

" _S.T.A.R Labs' red satellite beam, of course." He said easily but there was a hint of surprise in his voice, as if he had not expected her to ask him such a question. "I guess you come here often too." He acknowledged and Caitlin nodded. He took a step closer, probably trying to get a better look at her._

 _She held her ground, curious as well to see the stranger who had apparently discovered this magnificent spot before her. It wasn't often that Central City residents left the hype of life down below to get in touch with nature._

" _I do." Caitlin agreed._

" _You're not from around here, are you?" He asked cleverly and Caitlin guessed that in a small city it was quite possible to know every residents face. Caitlin shook her head and then suddenly the stranger's eyes widened. "Hey, you're that girl who spilled her coffee on me." Caitlin's eyes narrowed as she took in the stranger before her, then they widened as she recalled the incident he was speaking of. He snapped his fingers in recollection. "Yeah, at CCU, in the hallway. The mean one who threw her cup at me afterwards and stomped off, that was you."_

 _Caitlin had never been so embarrassed in her life. This boy had made her cheeks heat up twice in the span of minutes and Caitlin did not like it at all. Usually she was in much better control of her emotions; very few things could get under her skin._

" _For your information, you bumped into me while running down a crowded hallway without watching where you were going." Caitlin rebuffed in anger._

 _There was a small chuckle from the stranger and Caitlin could tell that he was a very easy going person because he was far from offended by her attacking tone. "I did try to apologise, but you were too angry to listen to me."_

" _Yes, well, I ended up being late for my very first class and didn't have a choice in choosing a partner for the rest of the semester." Caitlin confided unhappily._

 _Again there was a small chuckle. This time the stranger walked passed her and made his way towards the peak of the hilltop. He took in a deep breath, rubbing his hand against his forehead to remove the perspiration that had gathered there from his run. He put his hands on his slim hips and she could see the bunch of corded muscles defining his forearms._

 _Close up, with the City lights and moonlight now shining down on him, Caitlin could tell that his hair was actually dark brown and his eyes were a murky green that was alight with good humour._

" _I'm sure you're partner can't be that bad?" He asked sympathetically._

 _Caitlin was about to reply that he was but her mouth stayed open in an 'o' shape as she stopped to think about the stranger's question. No, after her initial annoyance, she had learned that her partner was in fact really, quite brilliant. When she remained silent, he looked over at her and smiled knowingly._

" _Well, it was still very difficult for me to concentrate without my morning dose of caffeine." The brunette replied almost churlishly because she found herself at a rare loss for words._

" _It couldn't have been a very interesting class then." He said casually but this time Caitlin pursed her lips at his careless words._

" _Actually it was my bioengineering class. I am a science major." Caitlin told him proudly, haughtily lifting her button nose in the air._

 _He whistled, low and long before grinning at her. "In that case, I'm really sorry for bumping into you. Mostly." He watched her from hooded lids, his half smile mischievous and Caitlin frowned. There was no way he was flirting with her because it was easy to tell that he was simply one of those friendly, bubbly types. "I hope you would let me make it up to you by letting me buy you another cup of coffee sometime."_

 _Caitlin eyed him suspiciously before making her way to stand beside him. He turned back to watch the City down below them, a smile still playing on his shapely lips and Caitlin also turned her attention back to the collection of lights._

" _Well, then you would also have to go back in time and make it so that I was never late to my class and could make a good impression on my professor." Caitlin huffed next to him, feeling herself relax for the first time since the stranger had arrived._

" _Well, I can run pretty fast, but probably not fast enough to rupture the space-time continuum, create a portal and then venture back into time for you." He said playfully but Caitlin turned around, wide eyed, to stare at him._

" _You aren't just some dumb jock with more muscles on his arm than his brain are you?" She asked in astonishment and he chuckled at her offensive words._

" _You're not used to making small talk, are you?" He noticed and she frowned at this, her shoulders stiffening in response._

" _What makes you say that?" Caitlin asked defensively._

 _The tall stranger shrugged. "Just a feeling." His smile was knowing though, and although Caitlin knew that she wasn't the easiest person to get along with, it always grated on her nerves when it was so readily pointed out to her. As if she was lacking as a person._

" _Well, I am weary of strangers I meet in the dark, on a lonesome hilltop." Caitlin replied sensitively, crossing her arms across her chest. The stranger looked down at her, his expression serious._

" _We don't have to be strangers." He said sincerely. He turned around to face her. "I'm, Barry. Barry Allen." He introduced himself with a hand held out to her._

 _After an awkward pause, where it seemed like he was almost ready to take back his offered hand, Caitlin tentatively gave him her smaller hand and he shook it vigorously, his long fingers strong against her own. "Caitlin Snow." She told him and he smiled._

" _See, now we're friends." He replied good naturedly, still holding on to her hand. His fingers were warm against her slightly cooler ones. Feeling self conscious from the contact and her observations, Caitlin immediately pulled her hand back from his._

" _It takes a lot more than being on a first name basis with someone to become friends." Caitlin argued and he grinned down at her._

" _We could make these clandestine meetings in the dark a reoccurrence." He suggested jokingly and she raised her eyebrows up at him. "Or I could just buy you a coffee in apology and we could take it from there."_

 _There was a long moment where Caitlin wondered if it really could be that easy to make friends. Her lab partner Cisco was always trying to get her to have a drink with him but she had refused every single time. She had never had many friends before and she really wasn't sure how to make small talk. It was probably Caitlin's frosty personality that made it more difficult for people to approach her, but suddenly, in the span of a week, she had met two guys who were not instantly put off by her icy reserve and who were both insisting that she become their friend. Was it really that simple? If it was, then why had she been friendless for most of her life?_

" _I should go, it's getting late." Caitlin excused and walked away from the stranger – Barry – watching him as she stepped backwards._

" _I could walk you back, you know. It is quite late." He offered with a step towards her making Caitlin feel oddly pressurised._

 _The brunette felt like she was unequipped to deal with such a situation. She wasn't quite sure why, he was only offering her a walk back to Central City University after all, but she was feeling inexplicably nervous, out of depth. What could they possibly have in common, what would they talk about on the way there? Caitlin felt silly for over thinking his request, it wasn't like Barry was asking her out on a date or anything, but she couldn't help it._

" _No, it's fine." Caitlin harried. "I have protection remember." She waved her pepper spray in his face and he immediately stopped following her._

" _Oh, yeah. Your revolver." He gave her a suggestive wink. "Well if you're sure then." He sounded somewhat uncertain, as if it went against everything he knew to let her walk back to campus by herself._

 _Barry's dejected appearance reminded her of a puppy dog who had just been told that they weren't allowed inside the house, and Caitlin felt a twinge of regret at refusing his gallant offer, but did not want to change her mind for fear of seeming fickle. "Yes." She said softly. "I'll be fine."_

" _You do realise that I'm also going down that same way, right?" He probed._

" _You don't live at home? Aren't you from Central City?" Caitlin faltered due to her curiosity, coming to a halt as she watched Barry sheepishly run a palm behind his head._

" _I am. But it's easier to live on campus than to commute every day. I have this bad habit of being late." He told her with a regretful grin._

 _She noticed that his words were slightly rushed, as if he were trying to stall her from leaving. However, Caitlin wanted the time to herself during her walk back so that she could think about her reluctance of forming friendships with others. Was her aversion to getting close to people due to never having any real friends before, making her scared of proving that she really wasn't the sort of girl people hung out with for fun, or because the fear of losing people she cared about was a pain she knew intimately?_

" _For someone who claims to be able to run fast, that's strange." Caitlin found herself joking._

 _He grinned ruefully at her before looking down, almost shyly. "Yeah, it is." He agreed, facing her once again._

 _They stood watching each other closely in the ensuing silence, each drawing conclusions about the other in their minds, but for some strange reason, Caitlin didn't feel the need to shut down or shut Barry out. It was hard to tell from just one meeting, but he seemed like a genuinely nice person. And so did Cisco, Caitlin thought to herself. Maybe her partner deserved getting to know better as well._

" _Good night, Barry." She tried not to sound dismissive but turned around so that he wouldn't initiate any further conversation with her._

" _Goodnight, Caitlin. It was nice meeting you." He called out and he sounded incredibly sincere that Caitlin stopped moving once again._

 _She took in a brave breath and looked over her shoulder this time. "Black, one sugar and it has to be from CC Jitters." She told him and the grin that he awarded her with made her smile in return. It was easy to feel less tense when you were the reason for someone else's pleased look._

* * *

 **THE** rustling of leaves no longer surprised Caitlin as she sat atop the grassy hilltop. She did not need to look up when she felt the presence of someone stand next to her. The brunette kept looking out at the City lights down below her as Barry sat down beside her.

"Hey." He said softly.

"Hi." Caitlin greeted, her tone equally quite.

The two sat together, shoulder to shoulder, watching the scenery ahead of them. After properly meeting on this very hilltop years ago, Barry and Caitlin had often come back here. Sometimes they would arrive alone, seeking solace, other times together, wanting the comfort of each other. It had always been Barry's spot or Caitlin's spot, but as time had passed on, it had become theirs.

"Do you remember that time Oliver managed to snag his dad's private ship and convinced us to go on that cruise with him?" Barry questioned, still looking forward.

Caitlin did not turn to look at him but she did smile in remembrance. "We had to dock at that creepy Chinese island, Lian Yu, to avoid the oncoming storm so we wouldn't get shipwrecked." Caitlin filled in and she knew that Barry was also smiling at this.

"Yeah, Felicity was so pissed at Ollie that she threatened to throw him overboard once we were in the middle of the ocean again." This time Barry and Caitlin looked at one another simultaneously and laughed at this. "You sided with her and I felt bad for Oliver, saying that we had all agreed to embark on that ship as friends and that we should stick together."

"You always did like giving hero speeches in tense times." Caitlin teased and Barry nudged her playfully with his shoulder. "I, on the other hand, wouldn't have been surprised if we had found ourselves stuck in the middle of a horror movie." Caitlin mentioned, remembering how creepy most of the residents there were. "Except for Cisco." Caitlin's eyebrows knitted together. "Wasn't he following that pretty, local girl around like a lost puppy?"

"What was her name?" Barry snapped his fingers as he tried to recall the hundredth girl Cisco had fallen in love with.

"Gypsy." Barry and Caitlin said together and they grinned at one another again.

"Anyway, I was actually thinking about how Felicity had stormed off from our dinner table, dragging you along with her." Barry commented and Caitlin grimaced.

"She vowed, rather dramatically I might add, that we would never speak to you boys again." Caitlin recalled.

"Hmmm, hmmm." Barry nodded. "Only, I couldn't sleep knowing that you were angry at me for something that wasn't our fault and came out of my room to try and talk to you."

"Only to find me already pacing outside your door." Caitlin responded and the two stared at each other with affectionate smiles. "You dragged me off and we ended up walking the beach that night."

"Wasn't that where we found Oliver and Felicity making out behind that coconut tree?" Barry frowned and Caitlin nodded her brown head.

"The betrayal." Caitlin said dramatically, placing a hand to her chest. The pair chuckled at their shared memories before falling into an easy silence once more.

"We promised that we'd never let other people get in between our friendship again, didn't we?" Barry questioned softly, watching her from hooded lips.

Caitlin nodded sadly, biting her plump bottom lip. She wondered if this also meant that even Iris wouldn't be able to come in between them but was honestly too afraid to ask. Barry reached out and shook her chin gently. Caitlin released her lip from her teeth and looked away.

"What I'm trying to say, is that I'm sorry, Caitlin. I shouldn't have gotten upset at you for feeling the way you did today." Barry told her ruefully.

"No." Caitlin shook her head, long tresses swinging against her face. "I was being unfair, Barry. You gave Felicity the best advice a friend could give and I had no right judging you for that. You're an amazing friend."

The pair looked at each other, silently accepting each others apologies. Then Caitlin offered Barry a fond smile and he swung his arm around her and she rested her head against his shoulder.

"It feels like nothing has changed." Barry told her nostalgically but Caitlin wasn't sure she could agree with him. They were no longer in college, living life with a certain sense of freedom and hopefulness that was born from their dreams, thinking they had all the time in the world left. A lot had changed since they had first met.

"Everything has changed, Barry." Caitlin whispered softly and Barry released her so that he could get a better look at her.

"But here we are, Cait, over a decade later still sitting on this hilltop, watching the City lights together." Barry frowned down at her.

"That's the problem, Barry." Barry's frown deepened but Caitlin was not in the mood to explain that she was now in love with Barry, who didn't share the sentiment. Her feelings had changed and his had stayed the same. "But that's okay. Everything must evolve at some point or the other."

"Caitlin, there will come a day when you won't apply science to every situation and just let your heart decide for you." Barry teased, realising that Caitlin was being elusive on purpose and that her walls were being carefully erected, which meant that she wasn't ready to open up to him just yet.

Caitlin smiled. "I'm much too rational for that."

"Wait till you meet the right person, Cait." Barry grinned at her and Caitlin couldn't help but thinking that she already had.

 **. . .**

It was intimidating standing in front of Iris West. The woman was tall and curvy. Her brown skin, dark hair and high cheekbones made Caitlin feel like a mousy teenager all over again.

It actually didn't help that Iris seemed like a really nice person as well, because a part of Caitlin desperately wanted to have a reason to dislike her. However, now that they were in Caitlin's kitchen, with Iris effortlessly helping Caitlin prepare snacks for their post gaming session, making herself at home in the brunette's kitchen, made Caitlin feel resentful towards Barry's girlfriend for being so damn flawless.

The doctor mentally cursed Barry for leaving her alone with Iris. It was a ploy he had used before when he wanted his best friend to get to know his girlfriend. He had done the same when he had first introduced them to Patty. Only, at the time, at least Caitlin hadn't known that she was in love with Barry.

"You know, I have to admit, I was very jealous of you, Caitlin." Iris said with a self depreciating laugh and Caitlin's head whipped around, brown curls flying across her face.

"Me?" Caitlin asked in surprise. "Why?"

Iris gave her a rueful smile. "I remember how close you and Barry had gotten in college and when I learned that you two were still friends, I was honestly intimidated. I mean, you're the only female friend of Barry's who's still around. Sure, there's Felicity, but she has Ray."

Caitlin felt her stomach lurch. "You've met Barry's other friends already?" She felt silly for asking because of course Barry hadn't wasted time in making Iris a permanent fixture in his life. He had probably left her and Cisco for last because he knew how protective they were over him.

"Oh, yeah, we had dinner with Felicity and Ray the other night and Barry took me over to Queen Consolidated to meet Oliver and Thea." Iris said offhandedly. Yep, that was all of them, Caitlin thought somewhat bitterly. "Anyway, when I saw a picture of you, Barry and Cisco on his desk at work the other day, I couldn't help but wonder if … you know." Iris stammered off, a faint blush staining her enviable cheekbones. Caitlin frowned, shaking her head to show that she didn't understand what Iris was getting at.

"Well, you know." Iris began uncomfortably. "I was wondering if there was ever anything between you and Barry. I couldn't ask him because I didn't want to sound like a jealous, insecure girlfriend, you know." Iris hurriedly explained, trying to reassure Caitlin that she wasn't prying on Caitlin or spying on Barry.

For a moment Caitlin stared at Iris blankly while the other woman's words sank in. Caitlin laughed uncomfortably, even when she felt her own cheeks burn. She quickly turned around to compose herself, grabbing her kitchen counter with one hand and reaching for her wineglass with the other. The doctor took a large gulp of the red liquid before breathing in deeply.

"No, why would you even think that? Barry and I have always just been good friends." Caitlin turned around once again to face Iris, giving the other woman the best, practiced smile she could manage.

"Well, it wouldn't be so hard to imagine really. You and Barry have so much in common. He talks about you and Cisco all the time. He always praises you, calls you the most intelligent woman he ever knows. He says only the capacity of your heart could rival the depth of you brain, when you listen to it."

Caitlin felt her mouth dry up and her heart pound in her chest. "Barry said that about me?"

Iris looked up but it was clear that she was also feeling uncomfortable by the personal conversation to notice Caitlin's startled expression. It was definitely a burning curiosity that was pushing Iris to continue with her line of questioning. Caitlin suspected that confident women like Iris West didn't have that many insecurities when it came to men and relationships. So Caitlin immediately started to wonder why Iris was subjecting the both of them to such awkward questions.

"Of course, you and Cisco are his family now." Caitlin found herself relaxing somewhat, smiling readily at Iris' observation.

It was true. Caitlin, Barry and Cisco were family to each other. While Cisco hadn't lost anyone he held dear to him to death, he had always felt like his parents preferred his older brother Dante to him. This had caused many conflicts in the Ramone family and therefore Cisco rarely visited or kept in any sort of contact with his kin. The three friends had unknowingly connected with each other because of their shared pain and pasts.

Caitlin studied Iris through more objective eyes, forgetting for a moment that this was the woman the man she was in love with preferred. She could see that for all Iris' confidence, the other woman possessed the same doubts that any female who had just entered into a relationship would have. And Caitlin immediately became remorseful for wanting to dislike Iris. She berated herself for not seeing that Iris was only human and for not stopping to consider how Iris might feel over Barry having such a close and intimate relationship with her.

"Anyway, you're definitely everything Barry made you out to be. You're beautiful and sophisticated and a doctor for heavens sake, I could never compete with that." Iris gave a self-conscious chuckle. "But he's also a great guy, the best, and well it was just hard to believe that you guys have never been more than friends." Iris watched Caitlin's reaction closely this time, looking for a tell tale sign that would confirm or deny her suspicions.

Caitlin kept her expression carefully blank. It was an art that she had mastered when her brother Charlie had past away. "Well, we are family. And Barry and Cisco are like my two annoying little brothers who I mostly have to keep in check. So it becomes rather difficult to overlook all their exasperating habits at times." Caitlin tried to reassure Iris.

"Oh, I know, believe me. I have one of those." Iris rolled her dark eyes but her smile was affectionate and infectious and Caitlin couldn't help but return the gesture. She could see now why Barry cared deeply for Iris.

She possessed many of the same endearing characteristics that Patty had. Iris may not be interested in science or technology, but she was funny and sweet, with an easy going personality. She came from a stable home, without the baggage of a past and clearly that appealed to someone like Barry.

"You have nothing to worry about, Iris, Barry is crazy about you." Caitlin said sincerely and Iris looked up at her, wide eyed.

"Do you really think so?" Iris asked sceptically. Caitlin nodded in reply. "I think I'm falling in love with him, Caitlin." Iris covered her face with her hands before running her fingers through her raven locks and looking at Caitlin, clearly embarrassed over her outburst. "Sorry, I shouldn't have just unloaded that onto you, but I've been dying to tell someone."

"No, it's okay." For the first time since meeting her, Caitlin could really sympathise with the beautiful, exotic Iris West. Caitlin of all people knew exactly what it felt like to love Barry and be uncertain of whether or not he felt the same way. The brunette could at least give Iris peace of mind though. "He loves you too. I know."

Iris smiled uncertainly. "He does?" When Caitlin nodded again the dark haired beauty laughed softly. Even her laughter was perfect. "Because I thought he was in love with you and just hadn't realised it yet."

Caitlin's brown eyes widened before she laughed out aloud. This time she didn't need to force it because the irony in Iris' words was truly humorous. "I promise you, if Barry Allen was in love with me, I would be the first to know."

Iris stared intently at Caitlin for a moment before giving her a relieved smile. "You really are a good friend, Caitlin." Caitlin's lips lifted in acknowledgement. And by the looks of it, that was all she was ever going to be.

 **. . .**

"Iris, watch out!" Killer Frost screamed out as the moving flames made its way towards the other woman.

Thinking quickly, Killer Frost threw out her palms and cut off the ferocious fire from reaching Iris. The other woman was standing shell shocked, rooted to the spot, clearly too taken aback by her surroundings to react. Then a red blur rushed forward and Iris was no longer standing face to face between the raging battle of fire and ice. Killer Frost kept going, forcing out more of her powers against the villain Heat Wave. She expected the Flash to show up again, this time to help her, but minutes, which felt like days in a battle, ticked by and still no one came.

"Cisco?" Killer Frost asked breathlessly.

"Where are you?" He asked distractedly.

Before she could reply, Heat Wave gave her a sadistic grin and launched all of his strength at her with a loud war cry. Killer Frost's blue eyes widened as the fire rushed towards her, melting away her icy defences and grasping her in its fiery hold.

" _Level Failed."_

For the first time since she had started playing the Flash, Caitlin pulled off her headset hurriedly, taking in a deep breath, reassuring herself that she was fine. Barry, as the Flash, had never let her die before. Even if he had to sacrifice himself in battle, he had always found a way to save her.

"Are you okay?" Cisco came over to her with a rueful grimace on his face.

Caitlin immediately looked over to see Barry helping Iris out of her headset. His sole concern was for his girlfriend and Caitlin felt hurt sting at the back of her eyes. She gave Cisco a brave smile. "Yeah, of course. Dying here is even more realistic than using your powers, Cisco, great work."

"Cait, I'm sorry, Iris wasn't prepared for how real the game becomes and just froze. It was my fault." Barry came over, an arm slung protectively over his girlfriend's shoulders and Caitlin felt the reassuring words over her safety die on her tongue so she shook her head in dismissal instead, swatting her hand through air to show that it was not a big deal.

"I heard you guys have never failed a level as a team before, I'm sorry." Iris winced and Cisco snorted inaudibly next to Caitlin before turning his back on them to pack away his precious gear.

"There's a first time for everything." Caitlin finally found her voice.

Barry went over to her coffee table and opened up a bottle of water. He came forward with it and Caitlin instinctively held out her hand for it, but he passed it on to Iris instead. Caitlin's head spun, she felt completely disorientated, as if _this_ was an alternate reality that she was somehow trapped in. The world that she knew started to crack around the edges and she felt like a stranger in her own home.

"Thanks, babe." Iris appreciated, although the other woman hadn't failed to notice the way Caitlin's hand fell limply to her side when Barry had not handed her the water.

Caitlin's stomach muscles twisted when Barry bent his head to give Iris a quick peck on the lips and she felt the violent urge to be sick claw its way up her oesophagus. She lowered her brown eyes, missing the way Iris' dark gaze narrowed at her pale expression.

"I'll just go get us more ice." Caitlin wasn't even sure if her feeble excuse would work but she turned around and almost ran for the comfort of her kitchen, where she could be alone. Alone. Suddenly she felt overwhelmed by the word, it pierced her heart and Caitlin wanted to hit herself over the head with a frying pan for acting so dramatic. She needed to get it together.

In her haste to leave her living room, she hadn't noticed the worried look that Cisco had thrown in her direction or the way that Iris had watched Caitlin's retreating form and then Cisco's face. She hadn't known that Barry had asked for her and then followed her into the kitchen, on the pretence of helping her, until she was swept off her feet and twirled around in a bone crushing hug.

Barry set her back down gently before gripping her shoulders. His grin was ear-splitting and Caitlin tried her best to smile in response but failed miserably. However, Barry was so ecstatic; his green eyes shining with joy that he didn't seem to notice.

"Thank you, Cait. I've never been happier and it's all because of you. I couldn't have done it without you." He moved his hands from her arms and grabbed the sides of her face, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. Although all Caitlin could see was his lips on Iris', the image haunting. "I love you."

And even though Caitlin knew Barry only loved her as a friend, as a family member, she couldn't stop the resulting words that spilled from her lips, because she had been dying to tell him exactly how she had felt about him since she had learned off her feelings for him.

"I love you too." She whispered brokenly.

With one last grin he turned around only to come face to face with Iris. "Hey, you." Barry gave his girlfriend, who was standing in the doorway watching the interaction between him and Caitlin, a broad, enamoured smile.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I just noticed that we forgot to put out the napkins and came in to get some." Iris' voice sounded distant compared to the friendlier tones she had spoken to Caitlin with earlier on.

"Oh, yeah, they're on the far left hand side on the highest shelf in the pantry." Barry motioned towards Caitlin's cupboard, intimately aware of his surroundings. "I'll just go see if Cisco needs my help." He touched Iris lovingly on the shoulder before leaving the kitchen.

Caitlin quickly went over to her fridge, ready to stick her head in it on the pretence of looking for ice so that she didn't have to face Iris. However, it seemed that Iris clearly had other ideas in mind.

"I was wrong." Iris said loudly and Caitlin grimaced.

She was in no mood to deal with another heart to heart right now, but short of being rude and asking the other woman to get out of her kitchen, Caitlin could only emerge from behind her fridge door, ice forgotten. Caitlin gave Iris a quizzical look, which wasn't that difficult considering she really wasn't sure what Iris was on about.

"I was wrong to think that Barry was in love with you, when it's you who's actually in love with him." Iris said knowingly but Caitlin frowned deeply at this.

"Iris, what you just witnessed now, was simply affection between two people who have been friends for over a decade." Caitlin explained mechanically.

"I may not be as smart as you, Caitlin, but please don't patronise me." Iris gave Caitlin a strained smile. "You're in love with him, aren't you?"

And because Caitlin felt like she had been pretending for a lifetime before today, because she was feeling increasingly drained with every second that passed by, as if all the life had been sucked out of her, she simply nodded in confirmation at Iris' accusation, bowing her brown head shamefully.

If she had expected the other woman to get angry at her admission or demand that Caitlin stop being friends with Barry, then she would be surprised. Instead Iris came forward and looked sincerely down at Caitlin.

"Why haven't you told him as yet?" Her voice sounded sad, mirroring Caitlin's emotions and she felt a rush of gratitude for the other woman. Iris really was proving to be a wonderful person.

"He doesn't feel the same way about me, there's no point." Caitlin replied.

"How could you know that if you've never told him how you felt?" When Caitlin was silent Iris frowned. "Is this because of me; are you afraid of coming in between us? Because I promise, I can take a step back to give you guys some time to figure things out. It's clear Barry loves you deeply."

Caitlin shook her head furiously. "As a friend, he loves me as friend, Iris. Believe me, I know. I've always known. Look, you can not tell him about this." Caitlin said but when Iris looked uncertain at keeping it a secret, the doctor reached out and grabbed a hold of Iris' forearm. "Please, I'm begging you. Barry has already lost so much in his life. I don't want him to lose you as well, it'll devastate him. He loves you more than you know."

"But - " Iris made to object but Caitlin cut her off.

"No. If you say anything at all to him, I risk the chance of losing one of my best friends. Please don't put me through that. It's my secret to tell." Caitlin said determinedly, finally finding the courage to pull herself together. There was a long pause from the other woman, where Caitlin thought that Iris would refuse her request. "Barry and I had our chance. We had ten, long years to be together, but nothing happened because we just aren't meant to be."

Still Iris kept quite on the issue until finally she reached over and took Caitlin's hand that was on her arm. She squeezed the doctor's fingers tightly. "I'm sorry." Iris said, genuinely so.

"Don't be. It's part of living. I'm lucky to have Barry in my life, even if it isn't in the way I wanted. I guess that was how it was supposed to be. He was always meant for you, Iris. Maybe in other life ..." The brunette trailed off sadly.

"All this talk about meant to be and supposed to be, do you believe in destiny, Caitlin?" Iris asked with a poignant frown.

"I have to. It's all I have left in my heart." Caitlin replied with a rueful smile.

 **. . .**

 **Author's Note:** _Thank you all for the support with this story. Each and every review really makes my heart happy, honestly._

 _Nova*_


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** _I would just like to say a huge thank you to everyone for all the support this story is receiving. I was truly overwhelmed by your comments for the last chapter, so much so that my heart was ready to explode in my chest. I immensely appreciate every single review. So thank you, you guys are really amazing and inspire me to write better!_

* * *

 **Say You Won't Let Go**

 _ **Chapter Four**_

 _She knocked rapidly. Once, twice and by the third time the door opened and Barry stood before Caitlin. He looked surprised by her unexpected arrival at his dorm room, arms across her chest, hands gripping her shoulders tightly. Caitlin had been shivering, but the warm relief that instantly filled her up at the sight of her best friend made her release a shaky breath and smile tentatively._

" _Caitlin?" Barry asked with concern, taking in her dishevelled appearance._

" _I'm sorry for just dropping in on you like this, Barry, but Cisco is busy finishing up his Robotics assignment with Rathaway, and I really didn't feel up to conversing with that smug rat, you know. So I thought I'd just come by and check if you were here." Caitlin rambled self-consciously, pushing a lock of tousled brown hair behind her ear before returning her hand to her shoulder once again._

 _For a moment Caitlin looked down at her shiny ballet flats because Barry's wide eyed expression told her that he knew something was wrong. Of course he knew, she never babbled like some unsophisticated adolescent and she was always in control of her emotions._

" _Cait, what's wrong?" Barry immediately questioned and Caitlin bit her bottom lip before looking up at him, her eyes glistening with a rare flicker of vulnerability._

" _May I come in, please?" Her request seemed to pull Barry out of his trance because he jerkily opened the door wider._

" _Yeah, sure. Of course." He ran a hand through his brown hair and stepped aside. Caitlin walked in while Barry closed the door behind him._

 _She had been in his room many times before, but it had always been with Cisco in tow. Barry's roommate was nowhere to be seen, but that was a regular occurrence which generally worked well for Barry, Cisco and her during their late night study sessions. Realising that Barry and her were all alone suddenly made Caitlin feel silly for bothering him, but there was no going back now. Barry would never allow her to leave without first giving him an explanation for her distressed behaviour._

 _Caitlin took in a calming breath and sat down on the edge of Barry's bed, still holding her arms to her chest. Barry eyed her worriedly for a moment before pulling up his desk chair and rolling it directly in front of her. He did not speak though and Caitlin was glad for his silence. She was still feeling rather shaken and wanted the time to compose herself. She finally looked up to see Barry watching her intently, waiting tolerantly for her to talk to him. Barry's patience made Caitlin feel somewhat better over her hasty decision to come and see him._

" _I saw Hunter this afternoon, to tell him that our relationship wasn't working for me any longer." Caitlin began. "He didn't take it too well though."_

 _At this Caitlin lowered her hands from her chest. The left side of her silk shirt was ripped. The seam where the sleeve met her shoulder had split. There was an ugly purple bruise forming on one arm, clearly exposed now by her torn shirt._

 _Barry clenched his fists at his sides and shot up from his seat. The momentum of his sudden movement made the wheels on his chair roll backwards. "He did this to you?" Barry asked angrily._

 _Caitlin nodded and Barry immediately walked away from her, going over to the tiny wall closet to pull out his college jacket. Caitlin sprung up from her seat on the bed, the torn sleeve hanging from her shirt. She walked over to Barry determinedly._

" _Don't." She said seriously, reaching for Barry's arm and turning him around to face her._

 _The anger shining in his green eyes, the determined set of his broad shoulders and the clenched way he kept his jaw, told her exactly what Barry was going to do. Caitlin wasn't in the least bit worried over Hunter, her main concern was Barry. She would not let him go charging all over the place in search of Hunter in her defence. The last thing that Caitlin wanted was for Barry to face physical harm because of her._

" _Please don't tell me that you're defending him?" Barry asked with barely contained rage._

 _While Barry only resorted to violence as a last ditch effort or in self-defence, he was never afraid to stand up for what he believed in, for what was right, for his friends. This wasn't the first time that Barry had come to her aid, even though she had always insisted that she could take care of herself._

" _I'm protecting you, Barry." Caitlin became upset. "What do you plan on doing? Going to Hunter, telling him that he was wrong for grabbing me and shaking me when I tried to end things with him? Will you also ask him to replace the shirt he tore in anger, because it's the_ right thing to do _?" She was not trying to be mean, she admired how desperately Barry wanted justice on her behalf, but she hadn't come to him to ask him to fight her battles for her._

 _The muscle in Barry's jaw ticked but he kept silent, listening to her reasonable but bitter voice. "This is why I wanted to go to Cisco first, but I came here because I needed a friend, not a testosterone, chest beating gorilla trying to be my hero."_

" _I can't stand the idea of him hurting you." Barry said honestly, turning away from her and running a palm across his neck in frustration while placing a fist against his closet door._

" _I'm fine." Caitlin assured him. "I was just taken by surprise."_

 _Caitlin went back to Barry's bed and sat down when she saw him remove his jacket and hang it back up. Her legs were still wobbly from her brisk walk away from the track field. Caitlin sighed with relief. She was glad that Barry wasn't going to go after Hunter now._

 _Barry turned around with a red t-shirt he had pulled out from his drawer. He silently handed it to her and she smiled up at him. "Thanks." She appreciated and he busied himself with putting his chair back at his desk while she changed. Caitlin knew it to be a chivalrous pretence to give her the time to undress privately._

 _Caitlin took off her torn blouse and threw it into Barry's wastepaper basket. She did not want anything that reminded her of tonight. She slipped on Barry's t-shirt. It fit her loosely and fell just above her knees, reminding her how tall and nicely built Barry was. Caitlin did not mind though. She felt oddly safer covered by the soft material that smelt like the crisp air after a storm – like Barry. There was a palm sized, yellow lightning bolt down the centre of the shirt and Caitlin fingered the print involuntarily._

" _Would it help if I told you that he'll be limping tomorrow and would probably have to wear sunglasses for the next few days?" Caitlin asked quietly and Barry turned around to face her, raising an eyebrow at her. "When he grabbed me, I asked him to let go, but he wouldn't listen. There was this look in his eyes; it wasn't like anything I've ever seen before. It was as if he just snapped and he wasn't even human anymore. His grip tightened and he refused to let me leave."_

" _Cait." Barry breathed miserably, because it was clear that he didn't know what else to say to her. He crouched down in front of her, strong hands on hers and Caitlin looked up boldly. His thumbs rubbed her knuckles comfortingly and Caitlin felt braver at the contact, drawing courage from her friend._

" _It's okay, I'm okay." She shrugged even though her lower lip trembled. "I took out the pepper spray I always carry with me and made direct contact with his eyes." Caitlin gave him an unsteady smile but Barry still looked tormented, as if it wasn't the worst Hunter deserved. Caitlin's lips lifted mischievously. "And because I was terrified and angry at the same time, I gave him a knee to the groin and left him there, unsure whether he should hold onto the balls between his legs or the ones in his head."_

 _For a moment Barry only stared at her, his face caught in between a comical expression of disbelief and humour. Then he bent his head, chuckling with an appreciative nod, before looking up at Caitlin once again. His green eyes flashed with pride. "That's my girl." He said and then more seriously, "I'm sorry I doubted you."_

" _No." Caitlin shook her head before raising her hand to brush back a tuft of brown hair from his forehead. "There actually might come a time where I'd want you to charge in and save me." Caitlin teased and Barry chuckled again._

" _Deal." He said, before insisting she spend the night in his dorm._

 _At first, Caitlin had refused but Barry would not take no for an answer, drawing back his covers and tucking her in adamantly. It was the first time he had put her to bed, but it wouldn't be the last. He returned to his chair and watched her until her breathing evened out, his mind whirring._

 _The next day saw Hunter Zolomon goaded into a race, which if he lost, would see him dress in drag and perform the hula in front of the entire student body. While Hunter was renowned for his speed on the track, earning himself the nickname_ "Zoom" _from his team mates, he was at a significant disadvantage on that particular day. He was struggling with pain in a very private area of his body and his sight was still rather blurry, a fact that Barry had made sure to take due advantage of. Only Hunter couldn't go around telling his peers exactly why he was sore in the nether regions or decline the challenge for fear of being called a coward, or worse, the terror of having everyone believe that there was someone in the team who was faster than him._

 _Unable to see a way out, Hunter reluctantly agreed. Barry, spurred on by his personal need to make Hunter pay in some way for hurting Caitlin, won the race. The humiliation was enough to make Hunter want to punch Barry square in the face, but the disgruntled senior found it difficult to get to Barry amongst the throng of students congratulating him._

" _Barry." A breathy, female voice called out enthusiastically._

 _The crowd parted and from his viewpoint Hunter witnessed Caitlin running across the field. She flung her arms around Barry's neck and he lifted her of the ground to embrace her in a way that made all their peers look over at Hunter with smirks and snickers. Barry eyed Hunter over Caitlin's shoulder, making it clear that he may not be the strongest student on campus, but he definitely was amongst the smartest._

* * *

 **CAITLIN** slammed at her keyboard in frustration before placing her head in her hands. "I guess this would really come in handy right about now."

Caitlin lifted her head at the voice, turning around she saw her best friend standing at her doorway, two steaming cups of coffee in hand. She felt a wave of affection for him flood her. When he walked over to her, she stood to take the coffees from him and sat them down on her desk. Then she turned back around to hug Cisco tightly. She wanted Cisco to know how grateful she was to have him as a friend and didn't believe that words could do her appreciation any justice right then.

Cisco patted her gently on the back and Caitlin felt better than she had in days. She pulled away from him, holding Cisco by the shoulders. "Thank you, Cisco." She said sincerely and he gave her a slightly embarrassed smile.

Caitlin picked up the coffees again and handed one to her friend. He held it out and tilted his head to the side, his shoulders lifting in a why not expression and Caitlin mentally agreed. Why the hell not?

"Cheers." The friends said together before sipping their preferred brews. Caitlin leaned against the thick edge of her desk, feeling some of her earlier tension leave her shoulders. Cisco took her chair, spinning around in it once like a child, before turning around to look at her, his face regretful.

"How long has he stopped bringing you your morning coffee for now?" Cisco asked knowingly and Caitlin lowered her head sadly.

"For about a week now." Caitlin confided. "Ever since his spontaneous trip to Metropolis."

Iris had been away on assignment in the high end city of Metropolis and she had convinced Barry to join her there after she had wrapped up her work. Barry had told Caitlin that he and Iris were going to take a few days off so that they could have a mini vacation together and spend some quality time with each other. As if they hadn't been doing enough of that already, Caitlin thought with a touch of glumness.

"Well, at least that's two weeks less since he's seen me." Cisco tried to sound consoling, but his tone turned out to be wounded over the distance between Barry and him.

"I'm sorry, Cisco." Caitlin empathised.

Cisco shrugged indifferently but Caitlin knew that Barry's absence was taking a toll on him, just as it was on her. Barry was more of a brother to Cisco than Dante Ramone ever was. The two friends spent a day together every week, for boy's night out, usually just the pair of them or sometimes with Oliver and John Diggle as well. Unfortunately, for the last three weeks now Barry had bailed on Cisco because he either had to work late, was having dinner with Iris and the other Wests or because he was in another city.

In recent times, Barry had failed to show up for their Friday night gaming sessions as well. At first Caitlin had been relieved by Barry's absence. Because whenever Barry had agreed to do anything with Cisco and her, he would spend an overwhelming amount of time on his phone with Iris, his attention never on his friends. Or worse, he would suggest that Caitlin and Cisco tag along with him and Iris, which was definitely a situation she wanted to avoid like the plague.

So Caitlin always made up an excuse for not joining the couple, and more often than not, Cisco would do the same. Sweet Barry, bless his soul, had thought that his best friends were simply giving Iris and him time alone and had therefore stopped asking them out. Now though, Caitlin had to admit that she was missing her other best friend.

She looked over at Cisco's dejected appearance and suddenly she felt inspired. He was clearly missing Barry too and they needed to do something about it. They needed to be there for each other. Caitlin stood up, hands in the air. Cisco looked over at her as if she wasn't feeling well.

"Why are we sitting here moping over Barry when we still have each other? And there's no reason why you and I can't do the same things that you did with Barry." Caitlin told her friend confidently, hands held out as if offering him her idea, but Cisco looked at her sceptically. "Oh come on, Cisco, I'm sure I could be a way better wingman - no, wing-woman – than Barry was. I mean, the last girl he let you go home with, stole from you."

Cisco's dark eyes glazed over as he looked off into the distance. "It was so worth it though."

"Cisco!" Caitlin chastised sternly.

"Whaaat?" Cisco drawled out innocently. "Lisa Snart was hot and she kissed like – "

"Okay, stop right there." Caitlin held out a hand to silence her friend. "Don't finish that sentence." Cisco had been a victim of petty theft when the woman he had met at a bar, turned out to be a criminal who robbed unsuspecting males with her brother and boyfriend. Only Cisco hadn't reported the incident to the police, because after finding out who she was, with his technological prowess (hacking skills, really), he had decided that he didn't need that flat screen television or state of the art sound system after all. "I hope you at least changed your locks?" Caitlin queried.

Cisco shrugged unconcernedly and Caitlin could only sigh loudly at this. "No one's getting past my alarm systems, Cait. Relax, she can't get in."

"Unless you allow her in." Caitlin narrowed her brown eyes at Cisco and his face appeared guilty but before she could get into lecturing mode, Cisco stood up.

"You know what, you're right. We need to get out. Let's do it tonight, why wait? I'll head home, get ready and then pick you up at around about eight." While Caitlin knew that Cisco was simply accepting her suggestion to go out to derail her from admonishing him, she allowed it because at least she had convinced him to say yes.

 **. . .**

Amongst the many shots of alcohol that Caitlin and Cisco shared, the conversation and laughter flowed freely between the two friends. Sitting at the bar of _The Press Box_ , the duo spoke about the goals they still wanted to accomplish in life, places they should travel to together and laughed over memories they had already created. They discussed the latest technological gadget currently on the market and Caitlin even divulged some of Dr Wells' plans for the particle accelerator her employer was aiming to build in the year 2020.

At first they had carefully tried to steer clear of saying Barry's name, to avoid dampening their spirits over their missing friend, but he wasn't far from either of their thoughts and eventually he slipped into their conversation. It had started off innocently enough, with comments like _"Barry would have liked that"_ or _"remember what Barry did that last time"_ before the pair sighed sadly.

"It just isn't the same without him." Caitlin admitted in a moment of weakness, the alcohol having a loosening effect on her tongue, and Cisco nodded his dark head next to her, looking straight ahead.

"Caitlin and Cisco has a nice ring to it, but Barry, Caitlin and Cisco are a team." He told her and she agreed.

Each one of them played an integral part to their trio, supporting each other through life crises and tough choices. They picked up the slack when one of them was having an off day, like Cisco had done for Caitlin, bringing her coffee in Barry's absence. That was what made them a team, a family, and they just did not feel complete with one of the three missing.

"You know what." Caitlin sat up straighter on her bar stool, she was already tipsy but thought to herself that it was okay, she was allowed a little reprieve from her generally uneventful life. "We need something stronger."

Caitlin motioned for the bartender and the young man came over quickly, eager to assist the beautiful brunette in front of him. Caitlin asked him for a bottle of his strongest vodka and when he brought her one, she looked over at Cisco with a mischievous half smile. Cisco raised his dark eyebrows, sitting backwards slightly, his expression clearly uncertain but Caitlin paid his trepidation no heed.

Instead the doctor twisted the cap off from the bottle of vodka. She did not bother pouring it into their glasses; instead she raised it to her mouth and tilted her head back. Her eyes squeezed shut as she kept chugging back the alcohol unceremoniously.

When she looked as if she had no plan on stopping until the bottle was empty of its contents, Cisco immediately grabbed the glass from her hands. "Whoa, Caitlin, maybe you should slow down. That stuff is pretty heavy."

"Urgh." Caitlin stuck out her pink tongue and then shook her head as the alcohol burned a trail down her chest. She felt it shoot straight through to her head and she was overcome by a freeing sensation, stripped off her burdens and sensibility. Caitlin slipped down her stool unsteadily. "We need some music. I'm going to go have a look at what the jukebox has to offer." She left Cisco with the bottle in hand and hurriedly wandered off.

Feeling stunned over Caitlin's uncharacteristic behaviour, Cisco sat still for a moment, watching her walk away. Then he left the bottle on the bar top and went to go get Caitlin before she did something she would regret in the morning.

However, when Cisco reached the jukebox, pushing through groups of people, he found no one there but the loud melody of music. Frowning in concern Cisco made his way back to the bar but did not find Caitlin there either. What started of as a concerned search immediately turned into a frantic one when he failed to find Caitlin.

Cisco looked through the sea of faces for the third time, asked the bartender if he had seen Caitlin around and then stood opposite the long line outside the ladies room, hoping and praying that Caitlin was inside there. After ten minutes with no sign of Caitlin emerging from the bathroom, Cisco left, without admitting to himself that the queer looks the waiting women had directed his way had eventually made him feel like a creep.

After over half an hour of searching, Cisco became increasingly worried over Caitlin's safety. She wasn't much of a drinker, or the best drunk, and he blamed himself for letting her down so much of alcohol. This was only the second time he had witnessed Caitlin throwing caution to the wind and both times had been because she was hurting inside. Cisco's heart grieved for his best friend, knowing that she was having a difficult time bearing her brokenness.

He had driven her here and the thought of an inebriated Caitlin taking a taxi home or walking the streets alone made Cisco weak-kneed. So he decided to call the only other person who knew her just as well as he did and had taken care of a drunken Caitlin before.

 **. . .**

It was clear that Barry was extremely concerned over Caitlin's wellbeing because it had barely taken him fifteen minutes to show up at _The Press Box_. Cisco felt a small sense of relief over Barry's approach, his height making him easily recognisable amongst the horde of people. Why did the place have to be so crowded? Didn't everyone have anything better to do on a Friday night?

"Cisco, any luck?" Barry asked in way of greeting, already having been brought up to speed about the situation during Cisco's phone call to him.

Cisco shook his dark head, pushing back his shoulder length hair behind his ears, feeling guilty over losing Caitlin. "She told me she was going over to the jukebox but I couldn't find her there."

Barry nodded. "I tried her apartment but it just kept ringing. She isn't answering her mobile either."

Cisco stared at Barry, wondering why he hadn't thought about doing that. "I shouldn't have let her drink so much."

Barry looked sympathetically over at Cisco. "Nobody lets Caitlin do anything, Cisco. Don't beat yourself up over it. But she's only ever done this the once before. What's bothering her, Cisco?"

While Barry knew that Cisco wouldn't purposely keep secrets from him, especially when it came to Caitlin's welfare, he also knew that if Caitlin had asked Cisco not to say anything to him, then their friend would respect her request. Cisco would wait patiently for Caitlin to confide in Barry first, because Cisco had learned from experience, a very difficult one at that, not to break Caitlin's trust. So when Cisco looked down at his shoes, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other, Barry couldn't help but feel left out over the fact that his friends were clearly hiding something from him.

"Cisco?" Barry's tone was cajoling but Cisco looked up at him with conflict plainly written on his face.

"It's nothing, really." Cisco said, scratching his head, clearly thinking of something to say to avoid answering Barry's questions. "Thanks for coming, man. I'm sorry for dragging you away from Iris over something like this."

Barry frowned down at his friend. "This is important, Cisco. We're talking about Caitlin here."

Cisco felt a twinge of resentment over Barry's words because if it hadn't been for Barry, then Caitlin probably wouldn't have had a reason to drink so much. "Yeah, but I'm sure you would rather be with Iris right now, instead of trying to help me find a drunken Caitlin." Cisco immediately snapped his jaw shut when he heard the bitter words that came out of his mouth. _'Shit.'_

"Is that what you think? Caitlin thinks? That I would rather be with Iris than spend time with you guys?" There was a mixture of disbelief and hurt in Barry's voice and Cisco wanted to swallow his tongue. He twitched uneasily, and his discomfort made Cisco wonder when their relationship had become so awkward. This was what secrets did to friendships.

"You just haven't been around lately, Barry. Look, we don't hold that against you, we know that you have other priorities as well. I just meant that it's nice to know that we can still call you up when we need you." Cisco tried to reason but he realised that no matter what he said, how carefully he tried to spin it, the truth still sounded ugly.

In hindsight Cisco realised that he and Caitlin were partly to blame for Barry's distance from them. After all, Barry _had_ made an effort to involve them in the time he spent with Iris. However, Cisco knew that it broke Caitlin to see Barry with Iris, no matter how good of a brave face she owned, and he did not want her to keep having to go through with that. So he had allowed his friend to believe that he and Caitlin were simply giving Barry some alone time with Iris. A pang of guilt assaulted Cisco because he had promised himself that he would never choose between his two best friends, but it was now dawning on him that he actually had picked sides.

Barry rubbed a hand behind his head, looking down shamefully before glancing back up at Cisco guiltily. "I'm sorry for not being around lately, Cisco." Of course Barry would accept all the blame as his own. That was just the type of nice guy Barry was.

Cisco shook his head swiftly and was about to apologise to Barry, to offer his friend a better explanation, but was cut off by the loud hollering and whistling coming from the bar area, where people were quickly gathering around. Barry and Cisco's attention was sidetracked from their conversation to see what all the commotion was about. As they looked straight ahead their faces morphed into identical expressions of shock.

"Is that … ?" Barry trailed off disbelievingly.

Cisco nodded his head. "It is." He said, equally incredulous.

Standing barefoot atop of the bar, in all her drunken glory, was Caitlin. She was enticingly swaying her hips in time to the music. Her tousled locks gave her a wanton look. Her fair skin, flushed from exertion, and pouting lips were visible even from a distance. She was undeniably beautiful. It was clear to see why there was already so many avid admirers surrounding the bar area.

"This is worse than that time she dragged me on stage to sing karaoke with her." Barry was still in a stupor, his voce as dazed as the look on his face.

"At least you could sing, man." Cisco, who was just as stunned, replied offhandedly but honestly. It was always astonishing to see Caitlin as anything but prim and proper.

Barry winced at the truth to Cisco's statement, remembering Caitlin's squeaky attempt at singing. "You know, she still makes me sing to her when she can't fall asleep." Barry replied mechanically.

The pair of friends continued to stand there, frozen in their spots by Caitlin's charm. Barry noticed that the bartender was in no hurry to pull Caitlin down from his bar, because he was too busy trying to look up her dress. Barry's fists clenched at his side. That was when the catcalling grew louder. Caitlin opened up her luminous brown eyes and Barry momentarily forgot his rage. Then a sickening thought lurched in his gut. He was no better than that bartender, or any of the other men gathered around Caitlin, standing there, watching her dance with awe when he should be saving his best friend from herself.

A man standing at the front of the bar reached up for Caitlin and Barry and Cisco instinctively made their way forward at this, pushing uncaringly through the crowd. Fortunately for them, the men were either too inebriated by alcohol or by the sight of Caitlin to care. With a huge sigh of relief Barry saw that Caitlin was still standing barefoot on the bar.

"Caitlin." Barry screamed amidst the noise around them and she squinted down at him.

"Barry?" She bent lower to get a better look at him and then turned to his side, a radiant smile lighting up her face. "Cisco, look, it's Barrrrrrry." She slurred, pointing a finger at the taller man. Then she turned to Barry again. "We missed you." She pouted and Barry felt a stitch of remorse in his chest over the fact that his friends were clearly feeling like he had abandoned them. He could see now that while they wanted him to be happy and spend more time with Iris, he shouldn't have stopped being there for them as well. Something Barry promised to rectify right then and there.

"I know I haven't been around lately, Cait, but I'm here now." Barry told her, extending his hand out to her.

Caitlin did not take his hand though, not dancing any longer either, she eyed him with a pained expression on her face. Barry felt his stomach muscles clench. Had Caitlin ever looked at him like that before? As if he had let her down.

"Hey, man, leave the lady alone." Someone called next to Barry and he turned around to see a middle aged man, dressed in a rumpled suit, reeking of smoke standing beside him. It was the same man who had tried to get Caitlin to come down from the bar before. Barry recognised his balding head.

Barry gritted his teeth to keep his cool. "Listen, man." Barry spoke loudly, sending a cursory look to all the other men gathered around them for good measure. "That lady is my girlfriend and she's only up there because we had a little misunderstanding earlier on. I'm just trying to get her back home safely."

It was a relief to see some men back away with dejected groans but the stale suit stayed still, looking decidedly grumpy. "Likely story." He muttered next to Barry. It was clear he had no intention of moving anytime soon but Barry chose to ignore him, returning his attention to Caitlin instead.

"Caitlin." Barry tried once more and she looked down at him, brown eyes hurt, as if she wasn't sure whether she wanted to come down to him or not.

"She doesn't look very interested in your offer, man. Why don't you just let her finish her little show and then I'll take her – " The frustrating man did not get the opportunity to finish his sentence because Barry turned around quickly and stuck out a fist, knocking him unconscious.

Cisco snickered beside him and the crowd started to disperse a lot faster this time. Barry was too focused on Caitlin to notice though. In his frustration he grabbed onto Caitlin's hand, pulling her down and then hoisting her over his shoulder like a bag of potatoes.

She squealed loudly but after a while giggled girlishly. "Vertigo is such an odd sensation when upside down."

Barry rolled his eyes at her before shifting her more comfortably over his shoulder. He would have loved to smack her on the bottom like an errant child but reminded himself that she was drunk and probably wouldn't even remember half of the things she had said and done tomorrow morning.

"Cait, where are your shoes?" Barry asked sternly.

"Shoes?" He could hear the frown in her voice as she tried to focus on his question. "What are those?"

Barry turned to Cisco who gave him a helpless look in reply. She must have been really drunk if she couldn't remember what shoes were. "Forget the shoes. Let's just get her home where she can't cause any more damage." Cisco pleaded.

Barry shook his head. "She doesn't have her bag either and I'm sure it has her keys, drivers licence and cards in it. We need to find it." When Cisco rubbed his temples Barry spoke again. "You try and recover that, I have a set of spare keys for her apartment in my car. I'll get her home safely."

"Okay, I'll meet you there." Cisco said and Barry nodded in response.

"Oh, and Cisco." Barry called over his shoulder. "Please do try and find her shoes as well."

"She has a million pairs of them. She probably won't even know one is missing." Cisco tried to sound convincing but he knew full well that Caitlin's greatest treasure was her shoe collection. Barry gave him a sceptical look. "Okay, fine, she'll notice." Cisco admitted.

"Unless you want to go shoe shopping with her again, I really hope you find them." Cisco grimaced and Barry grinned, feeling like nothing had changed between the three of them once again.

 **. . .**

Caitlin was asleep by the time they reached her apartment but stirred when Barry had to set her down to open up her door. She groaned and held onto her stomach. "I don't feel so good."

"You wouldn't." Barry deadpanned but sympathetically helped her inside. In her bedroom she immediately slumped onto her bed with a groan and Barry went to the drawer he knew held her sleepwear. Picking up the first item on the neat stack of folded clothes, Barry took it over to Caitlin.

When he unfolded the article of clothing he was surprised to find a faded red t-shirt with a peeling, yellow lightning bolt printed in the middle. "Hey, is this mine?"

Caitlin only moaned out an unintelligible reply so Barry decided that he would ask her about it another time. Feeling strangely pleased that she had kept his t-shirt after all these years; Barry went over to Caitlin and undressed her. He did his best to ignore the way her lacy black underwear contrasted with her fair skin. The very first time Caitlin had boldly taken off her dress in front of him, Barry had initially looked away, uncomfortable by the situation. Then she had asked him for his help and he had turned around to see pure trust openly directed up at him. That had made it easy for Barry to put aside any inappropriate thoughts he might have entertained and just be there for Caitlin. He had wanted to deserve her faith in him.

Caitlin was his best friend and their mutual respect for each other had never made their closeness questionable, which was why their intimacy was always innocent. Even when others had questioned their familiarity, like Joe or Felicity, Caitlin never had, because she knew what they meant to each other. Overhearing Caitlin's confidence in their friendship when she had spoken to Felicity once, had reassured Barry that he had no reason to doubt his relationship with her.

Barry could be himself with Caitlin. He had no secrets from her because she could see straight through him, even when he tried to hide something from her because he knew she worried over his wellbeing. Barry would never do anything that would jeopardise their friendship because Caitlin meant too much to him to lose. He had seen a kindred spirit in her the very first time he had met her, that lost look in her eyes caused by a pain that ran deep, had made Barry determined to reach out to her. Caitlin had always made him feel needed, like the hero she constantly teased him about being. And in his attempts at helping her overcome her pain, Barry had unknowingly come to grips with his own past, finally letting go of the things he had been holding on to for far too long.

She was the reason he was alive. She had always been his support structure, encouraging him when he needed it, giving him tough love when required, and saving his life after his father had died. With a tenderness Barry had always shown Caitlin, he slipped on the t-shirt he had given her years ago and then tucked her into bed. She drowsily lifted her eyelids and peered up at him.

"Barry, how much of it will I regret tomorrow morning?" He could see that the effects of the alcohol were starting to wear off.

"Don't worry about that now, Cait. I think that you should get some rest." He assured her. She snuggled closer to her pillow.

"Will you sing for me, please?" She asked sweetly and he chuckled softly.

" _Summer lovin' had me a blast,_

 _Summer days, drifting away,_

 _To these summer nights …"_

His voice was low and soothing as he rubbed Caitlin's thigh comfortably while she lay on her side. To help Caitlin fall asleep, he followed a slower beat, rather than use the tune the song was normally sung to. After teasing her incessantly about her terrible singing the night when they had performed karaoke together, _Summer Nights_ had become their song. When she asked him to sing to her now, he would always do his own version of the song for her.

"You should sing to Iris, Barry." Caitlin whispered.

"You're the only girl who thinks I can sing, Cait." He teased, because even though she and Cisco insisted that his voice was amazing, and the crowd that had been there the night of his first public performance seemed to agree, his voice was something Barry preferred to keep a secret.

Singing was a bittersweet ability for Barry because it always reminded him of his late mother. Nora Allen used to have the most beautiful voice in the world, something that Barry had inherited from her. His voice felt like a part of his mother that he didn't want to share with just anyone.

"Probably because I'm the only girl you've ever sang for." Caitlin's voice sounded sleepy.

It was true. Caitlin and his mother had been the only two women in his life who he had sung for. It had always been easy with Caitlin. She had never made him feel like he was broken or empty. With her, Barry always felt like he was enough.

Barry pushed Caitlin's hair away from her face, making sure it sat behind her shoulders before standing up. Soon after, her mouth was open and soft snores could be heard in the quiet of her bedroom. Barry smiled down fondly at her. Somehow, everything that Caitlin Snow did – always ended up being adorable. As Barry watched Caitlin sleep, his thoughts drifted towards Iris.

He had always known that he was in love with Iris, but actually being with her, getting to know her on an intimate level, had only intensified his feelings for his girlfriend. Barry was getting closer to Iris with each passing day, it was becoming easier to share his feelings with her now, to open up to her, and he thought that maybe Caitlin was right. He should sing to Iris.


	5. Chapter 5

**Say You Won't Let Go**

 _Chapter Five_

 _Barry made his way across the carpeted hallway of the hotel they were staying in while taking refuge on Lian Yu. Since the others were still asleep in the room he shared with the boys, he had decided to see if Caitlin was awake and wanted to go down to the dining area with him for brunch. That was when he noticed that the door to the room which Felicity and Caitlin were sharing was slightly open._

 _Barry raised his knuckles to wrap on the door when he heard his name spoken out. His curiosity halted his hand in midair before he let it drop to his side and stood up straighter._

" _Barry and I couldn't sleep, so we went for a walk." Barry heard Caitlin say. She sounded close to him, as if she was right next to him instead of separated by a hulking piece of wood. "Now can I go down to eat?"_

 _Barry guiltily took a small step away from the door when he realised that Caitlin was standing on the other side. She was most likely talking to Felicity who was holding her back from leaving for an interrogation. That would explain the door being ajar and the clarity of Caitlin's voice. He wasn't surprised that Felicity was grilling Caitlin for her whereabouts last night because his blonde friend was incredibly curious._

" _No. We had a pact, Caitlin." Felicity said seriously and Barry raised his eyebrows over Felicity's hypocritical statement and he could almost hear Caitlin fuming as she no doubt thought the same._

" _Did that pact exclude kissing them?" Caitlin asked smugly and Barry shook his head, deciding to save Caitlin and Felicity from an oncoming argument. After all, while both women generally got along very well, it was never a good thing when two opinionated females wanted to debate their point and prove themselves right._

" _You kissed, Barry?" Barry stood up taller, forgetting that he was about to knock on Caitlin's door for a second time over Felicity's shriek. His cheeks reddened when he realised that Caitlin's sarcasm had flown right over Felicity's head. Then there was a shrill squeal. "You have to tell me everything. How was it? Is he a good kisser?"_

" _What?" He heard the surprise in Caitlin's voice and was interested to hear her response. "Ugh, why would you think that I kissed Barry?"_

Ugh? _That word rolled around in his mind, making Barry frown. Did Caitlin find the idea of kissing him repulsive? The thought did not sit well with him. Barry's glower deepened as he questioned why Caitlin's negative reaction to kissing him bothered him so much. It couldn't possibly be that he wanted Caitlin to want to kiss him. Did_ he _want to kiss her? The notion took Barry aback. There were just too many wants floating around in his head right then._

 _He wondered if his inappropriate line of thinking had stemmed from his father and Joe. The two men had been kicking back with beers and pizza on Friday night when Barry had stopped by to grab a few things from his childhood home and to tell Henry that he was going away on a cruise for the weekend. Henry and Joe had asked him if there was anything more going on between him and Caitlin. At the time, Barry had laughed the suggestion off, not giving it a second thought, yet it was coming back around now. Was he missing out on the possibility of something more with Caitlin?_

 _Barry shook his head, as if to clear away those improper ideas. No, he would not turn Caitlin into another Iris. He would not ruin one of the most important relationships in his life by complicating it with romantic feelings. Barry's chest still felt heavy with conflicting emotions though and he blamed his father and Joe for confusing him._

" _Well, why wouldn't I think that?" Felicity's defensive voice gave Barry an excuse not to delve further into his own thoughts and so he focused his attention back on the conversation he was eavesdropping on._

" _What do you mean, "why wouldn't you think that"?" Caitlin's voice was even more disbelieving now and Barry waited to hear Felicity's reply._

" _Oh come on, Cait." Barry could picture Felicity waggling her eyebrows suggestively at Caitlin._

 _However, when only silence responded to Felicity the blonde sighed dramatically. Barry heard the bed shift and he imagined Felicity sitting up straighter to better make her point._

" _You guys are always together. You lean into each other when you sit or stand next to one another. You two always share these knowing looks when anyone else says something you don't agree with. For heaven's sake, you eat off each other's plates and drink from the same glass. It's like you guys have been married for years." Felicity prattled on._

 _There was a long pause where Barry hadn't realised that he was holding his breath while waiting for Caitlin to speak. Hearing the way Felicity saw their friendship, it wasn't so difficult for Barry to see why she was … misinterpreting his relationship with Caitlin._

" _Let me get this straight, you think that Barry and I should be more than friends because of all of that?" He wasn't sure what Felicity's response was, maybe a shrug or a look that said "well obviously", but whatever it was, it caused Caitlin to laugh. Barry felt his stomach drop and his shoulders slump from Caitlin's response. Was that disappointment he was feeling?_

" _What's so funny?" Felicity asked, clearly unhappy over being laughed at._

" _Well, it's just that I haven't had that many friends before, and certainly not a best friend, but I guess our closeness could be misconstrued. After all, when compared to the dynamics of the relationship I have with Cisco, it might seem like there is a romantic connection between Barry and I?" It sounded like Caitlin was questioning this theory._

 _Even in his current state of emotional and mental mayhem, Barry could only smile fondly when he heard Caitlin ramble over their friendship as if she were discussing a complex, mathematical formula._

" _Wait, so you're saying that Barry and you aren't secretly in love with each other?" Felicity definitely sounded disappointed to Barry's ears and it became apparent that Caitlin thought the same._

" _Wow, you've really romanticised my friendship with Barry, haven't you?" Caitlin noted. "Have you forgotten that both Barry and I are seeing other people?"_

" _Well, like I said, secretly in love. We just thought that you guys haven't realised it as yet." He could almost hear Felicity's shrug now._

" _We?" Caitlin picked up astutely._

 _This time Barry knew without a doubt that Felicity was covering her mouth at her slip up. He could just imagine Caitlin narrowing her brown eyes at the blonde and Barry felt a touch of sympathy for Felicity. Caitlin could be scary when she wanted to be._

" _Now, Caitlin, don't get all uptight about this, but Ollie and I have a bet going on. I thought that Barry would see you with Hunter, get jealous and realise how he feels about you. I guess I didn't allow for outside interference in the equation." Felicity too had calculated the outcome of her bet with Oliver and it was easy to see why the two girls got along so well. "Linda." He heard Felicity give a name to the interference in her calculations. "I mean, he's not going to realise how he feels about you if he's preoccupied with someone else. Men are so – "_

" _Felicity." Caitlin interjected. "You're rambling."_

" _Oh, yeah, right. Sorry." Felicity said sheepishly before continuing. "Oliver thinks that you're too stubborn to admit that you have feelings for Barry because you're too afraid of losing him to admit that you love him. And Barry is such a dork when it comes to girls. I mean, I'm surprised he even … Okay, I'll shut up now."_

 _Barry rolled his eyes at Felicity's poor assessment of his masculinity. She had probably only stopped talking because there was no doubt in his mind that Caitlin had given her a disapproving look. It was Caitlin's speciality when anyone said anything less than complimentary about him. Barry couldn't help the small jolt of pride his heart gave every time Caitlin defended his character._

 _There was another pause and Barry considered whether Felicity was confusing Caitlin the way Henry and Joe had confounded him. "Well, you know what; neither you nor Oliver will be winning that bet because Barry and I are just friends. We're definitely not secretly in love with each other." Caitlin replied haughtily._

 _Barry could just picture Caitlin standing there with her arms crossed angrily against her chest and her button nose stuck in the air. More shuffling could be heard and the moving of the mattress suggested that Felicity was getting up from bed._

" _I'm sorry, Caitlin. Me and my big mouth. You're right. Oliver and I have no business discussing you and Barry behind your backs. Honestly though, as your friends, we just want you two to be happy. You and Barry always look happiest when you guys are together." Felicity sighed ruefully into the ensuing silence._

 _Caitlin was sensitive to being talked about behind her back and she was very protective over her privacy, which tended to make her more guarded than the average person. Those who didn't know her well enough mistook her reserve for coldness. However, Barry knew that behind her frostiness, she was one of the most caring people he knew._

" _How much was that bet for?" He heard Caitlin ask and he could tell from Felicity's exhalation that the blonde was relieved to find that Caitlin was no longer angry at her._

" _It wasn't for money. Actually, I wanted to see Oliver – "_

" _On second thought, I don't want to know what you guys wagered on." Another silence followed Caitlin's interruption before both the girls burst out laughing._

 _Their laughter ebbed away into a companionable silence before Caitlin spoke again, her husky voice thoughtful. "I've never thought about Barry as anything more than a friend before and neither will I ever do so. Oliver is partially right. Barry means too much to me to lose. He and Cisco have brought so much of joy into my life and I know that sounds ridiculously cheesy, but it's true." Barry felt his chest swell over Caitlin's soft words, feeling the need to hold her hand and reassure her that everything would be fine. She had always inspired a protective instinct in him._

" _I was broken when I moved to Central City, but Barry, he fixed me. Romantic relationships, they don't always last forever, but friendships, they can withstand a lifetime of trials. I have that kind of friendship with Barry. And Cisco. And I don't ever want to do anything that could ruin it because I can't imagine what my life would be like without them." Caitlin's earnest words made Barry feel like more than he had ever been._

 _He would have never imagined that he could give someone so much of hope and joy, just by being their friend, but that was what he and Cisco had done for Caitlin. Without any real friends, and her only family being an estranged mother, Caitlin had always felt alone in the world. Too afraid of loss, she had become aloof and withdrawn from people._

 _It shouldn't matter what others thought about their relationship, Caitlin would never see him as anything more than a friend because that was who she needed. And that was who Barry would be for her. Always. Barry backed away from the door, silently promising himself and Caitlin that he would never question their friendship again._

* * *

 **THE** glint of the beautiful diamond sitting innocently in the middle of the silver ring seemed to mock Caitlin. Its clarity cut through her heart and she wanted nothing more than to give in to the tremble of her bottom lip and bawl her eyes out. But she didn't, because the nervous pair of green eyes behind the jewel reminded her that she was supposed to say something supportive and encouraging right then. So she did.

"It's beautiful, Barry." Caitlin told her expectant best friend and was pleased to see that he mistook her emotional voice for happiness over his impending marriage, rather than sadness over losing the man she loved.

"Do you really think so?" He turned the velvet box around to inspect the ring once more. "I really wanted to give her my mother's engagement ring, but it isn't in the safe, and well, I can't ask my dad where he kept it."

Barry's eyes misted over and Caitlin instantly put aside her own grief to deal with her best friend's feelings. Of course he was missing his parents right now. This was a momentous step he was taking and he was choosing to share it with her and Cisco first. She had to overlook what she was feeling right now for Barry's sake.

Caitlin instinctively reached out and placed a hand on Barry's strong forearm, pulling him out of the gloom he generally sank into when his mind wandered to his late parents. "They would have been really proud of you, Barry."

At this Caitlin looked over to Cisco as she normally did when situations became really tense and she wanted her best friend to lighten the air with a funny comment.

"Don't you think that you're rushing this, man?" Caitlin's brown eyes widened as she glared at Cisco. That was not what she was expecting but Cisco seemed to be deliberately avoiding her chastising look.

Barry turned a frown on their friend. "Cisco, I've known Iris all my life. I've never been more sure about anything before."

"Yeah, but you've only been dating her for eight months now." Cisco seemed determined to deter Barry and Caitlin could feel the atmosphere in the room thicken. It wasn't often that Cisco disagreed with Barry and when that did happed, it usually fell on Caitlin to bridge the difference of opinion between her two friends.

"Yes, but he's loved her for longer than eight _years_ , Cisco. If Barry is sure then that's all that matters." Caitlin's tone brooked no argument and this time Cisco did look at her.

His expression was accusing, as if he blamed her for Barry wanting to propose to Iris. Caitlin ignored his look by tilting her head to the side with narrowed eyes. Barry looked from Cisco to Caitlin.

"I guess I could hold off for a few more months?" Barry shrugged uncertainly now.

"No." Caitlin shook her brown head. "If you had wanted to wait then you wouldn't have went out and bought a ring when you couldn't find you mother's. Trust your instincts, Barry."

While Barry had tried to fall back into their old routine with Caitlin and Cisco after her drunken disaster at _The Press Box_ a couple of months ago, they could never go back to the way things were because they weren't the same people any longer. Caitlin had made more of an effort to hang out with Barry and Iris recently so that Cisco could still have his best friend and Barry wouldn't become suspicious over her reluctance to spend time with Iris and him. After all, there were only so many times she could work late or clean her apartment.

Caitlin found that seeing Barry and Iris together was one of the most difficult circumstances she had to witness. She had buried her younger brother and father, yet the pain of seeing Barry with someone else, came almost as close. Every time she saw Barry lean into Iris or sip from the other woman's glass or laugh at something Iris said, it made her feel like she was losing her best friend over and over again. In reality though, Caitlin knew that what she was really losing, was the hope that maybe one day Barry would turn around and see her as more than a friend.

When Caitlin was alone and had time to examine the complex emotions she tended to bury deep down where they were invisible to everyone else, even herself upon first glance, she would be completely honest with herself. It was only then that Caitlin would admit that her pride and stubbornness also played a large part in her refusal to confess her feelings to Barry.

As much as it was mostly a selfless approach to allow Barry to pursue Iris without complications, because he had finally been presented with the ideal opportunity to do so, Caitlin sometimes didn't understand why Barry couldn't see how she felt about him.

It was true that she tended to push Barry in the opposite direction from herself, but she did this because she believed that she was not what he wanted. That if he followed his heart, like he loved doing, then the choices he made would make him happy. Yet it haunted Caitlin that he didn't feel the same way about her. They had been through so much together. She always turned to Barry for reassurance. Couldn't he tell that there was a reason why she had never needed anyone else besides him? The fact that Caitlin loved him and he did not reciprocate her feelings, hurt her the most.

Caitlin's pain, however, made Iris uncomfortable with her presence. Not because the other woman felt threatened by her friendship with Barry or hidden love for him, but because Iris hated adding salt to Caitlin's wounds. The doctor saw it whenever Iris tried to dodge Barry's intimate gestures of affection in her company. Iris would try to make their outings a more girls versus guys' night out and would generally sit beside Caitlin, trying to pretend that she was just one of their friends instead of Barry's girlfriend. Caitlin didn't like that she was making someone go through such lengths to spare her feelings.

She refused to be a burden. However, she was pleased to know that Barry could not have chosen a better woman than Iris. Not many others would be so sensitive to the situation that they would go out of their way to lessen Caitlin's torture.

"Well, if you ever need a place to crash when you're in the dog box, I have a spare bedroom." Cisco said jokingly and Barry chuckled reaching for his best friend affectionately. Caitlin took in the sight of her two best friends as they embraced, memorising the image as she smiled to herself, her heart heavy with emotion over the sight.

"This is a group hug moment." She teased, because normally it was the other way around. Cisco would use that very same line on them when he found Barry comforting her.

"Nicely done, Cait." Cisco said with a proud smile and Barry chuckled happily at the antics of his two best friends.

Both men reached out for her and Caitlin was enveloped in love and security and her family. She allowed herself to feel happy for that moment, pretending that they were still in college or a few years back, before Henry had past away. Life had never been better then.

 **. . .**

Caitlin frowned at the ringing of her doorbell. The brunette stood up from kneeling on her floor and dusted her jeans with one palm. She placed the tape from her other hand on top of a sealed box and looked at her watch. Barry and Cisco were probably at the restaurant with Iris by now, who could possibly be calling on her?

When she opened her door, her face paled. "Cisco, what are you doing here?" Caitlin felt her hand quiver as she held onto her door. She couldn't keep Cisco outside her apartment but she really did not want to let him in either.

"I was passing by and I thought that maybe we could go to the restaurant together." Caitlin could easily tell that he was lying. He was purposefully here to offer her moral support over the lunch Barry had set up to celebrate Iris agreeing to marry him. She felt a tingle of guilt shoot down her belly.

"Actually, I'm just finishing up with some stuff here. Why don't you go ahead and I'll meet you there." Caitlin fibbed.

"No rush. I can wait." Before Caitlin could protest, Cisco easily slid passed her and into her apartment.

Caitlin squeezed her eyes shut and took in a deep breath. She very carefully closed her door shut before turning around. She was in no hurry to face Cisco but could not think of any other way to prolong doing so, unless she ran out of her own apartment. Which would be ridiculous. Wouldn't it?

Caitlin reluctantly turned around to find her friend standing in the middle of her lounge. There were sealed boxes neatly stacked everywhere, most of her personal belongings already packed away in them. Only her couch and coffee table stood off to one side, not in their regular positions but still visible. The shelves were free of ornaments and frames.

"Are you planning on donating all this stuff to charity or are you having a garage sale?" Cisco's voice was so void of humour that Caitlin felt her heart sink in her chest.

"Cisco, I – " Caitlin began hesitantly.

"No, don't say it." Cisco interrupted, turning around he held up a palm to stop her from speaking before running it down his face and using both hands to push back his hair behind his ears. "You're leaving, aren't you?" Caitlin could only nod shamefully. "And you weren't even going to tell us. Gees, Caitlin, I thought we were your friends."

Caitlin felt her cheeks heat guiltily at this. "We are friends, Cisco. The best. But you know I can't do goodbyes. I hate them."

"Then don't leave. You won't have to say goodbye if you stay." Cisco shrugged simply.

"Cisco, I waned to avoid this very conversation. I don't want you to try and talk me out of it. This is something I need to do for myself." Caitlin tilted her head to the side as if explaining to a five year old that his parents were getting divorced.

"You're running away." Cisco boldly called Caitlin out on her actions and she shrugged. There was no denying her motives for leaving Central City, but this was one of those times where Caitlin truly believed that she had every right to run.

"Maybe I am, Cisco. But I can't pretend any longer. I'm not going to put myself through Barry's wedding. This is something I need to do, for me. You told me I can't be selfless all the time, remember?" Caitlin said fiercely.

"Yes, but I didn't mean you should leave town. Leave us." Cisco told her, his eyes wounded.

Caitlin bit her bottom lip before she looked intently at Cisco. "This is the only way I know how to save myself, Cisco. I've known since that night at _The Press Box_ that if I don't get out now, I'm only going to worsen my pain and suffering. I can't do it any longer, Cisco. I know that you and Barry are fine, will be fine. You have each other and you have Iris."

When Cisco only stared silently at her, as if he was seeing right through her, envisioning a life without her in it, Caitlin continued talking in the hopes of forging through his unhappiness. "You wont let him miss me, will you, Cisco?" Her gloomy tone seemed to bring Cisco out of his reverie even though he looked over at her dejectedly. "And when you miss me, you can come visit anytime. But please don't ask me to say. Cisco, let me go."

It was probably those last four words, as if she was asking for his blessings, which made her best friend realise how miserable Caitlin really was about having to leave. She was no happier about moving than he was, but this was her last option. Seeing that there was no other way out for Caitlin and not wanting her to hurt any longer, Cisco grudgingly agreed with a nod, tears flooding his dark eyes.

 **. . .**

When her mobile phone rang, Caitlin took in a deep breath and answered the call with a courageous hello. She knew from Caller ID that it was Barry on the other end and she knew exactly why he was calling her.

"Cait, where are you?" Barry asked without preamble. Caitlin was the most punctual person he knew and the smallest delay from her normally set him on edge.

"Hi, Barry." Caitlin said calmly. She could picture him sitting at the restaurant with Iris, a hand probably wrapped around his girlfriend's shoulders.

"Is Cisco holding you up while he looks for a pre-lunch snack in your fridge? He told me he was stopping by to fetch you first. That was almost half an hour ago, what's the hold up?" Barry asked and Caitlin couldn't help the small smile that curled her full lips at Barry's assumption.

"He probably is going through my fridge right now, but he'll be disappointed when he finds it empty." Caitlin quipped. "I left him at my apartment."

Caitlin knew that she was drawing out the inevitable but now that she was faced with saying her goodbyes to Barry, she found the words stuck in her throat, refusing to be voiced. She had carefully prepared her speech because she had planned all along to tell him she was leaving Central City over the phone, but now she felt fear rise up her chest, squeezing her heart tightly.

"Are you on your way?" He asked excitedly. "And since when is your fridge ever empty?" He added as an afterthought.

Caitlin took in a deep breath. "Probably because the fridge is unplugged." She could almost hear Barry's frown over the phone, his confusion was so thick. Before the conversation could centre on her fridge, Caitlin decided to jump right in. "Barry, I'm not on my way to the restaurant because I'm leaving for Detroit today."

There was a lengthy pause on the other end before Barry spoke. "Is everything okay? Is your mother fine?"

"Yes." Caitlin nodded habitually, even though Barry couldn't see her. "She's fine. I just thought it would be good to go see what she's up to at Tannhauser Industries."

"Oh." She knew Barry was taken aback by this reasoning because Caitlin intensely disliked visiting her Carla. Even though Barry knew that she loved her mother, Caitlin generally went to Detroit out of obligation instead of emotion. Caitlin's relationship with Carla was just so strained, seemingly impossible to repair, that Caitlin had given up trying a long time ago. "When will you be getting back?"

This time Caitlin paused before answering. "I haven't booked a return ticket as yet."

"What do you mean you haven't booked a return ticket as yet?" She could hear the nervous chuckle behind Barry's question. She knew the reality of her words was seeping through his thoughts but he was refusing to accept it. Just like Cisco had done.

"Barry, I've been thinking of moving back home for a while now." Caitlin told him plainly.

"Why is this the first time I'm hearing of it? Does Cisco know? Caitlin, you can't just up and leave. I mean this is your home now. Your entire life is here." Barry argued and she could hear the anxiety creeping into his voice.

He was right. Her entire life was here, but a long time ago it had also been in Detroit. Before Charlie had died, before her father past on and her mother had emotionally shut down. Caitlin was no stranger to rebuilding. She needed to get away and no matter how cold and detached her mother could be, Caitlin needed Carla right now.

Not for a comforting hug or a maternal _"everything is going to be okay"_ speech, that was not Dr Tannhauser's style, but she wanted her mother's stern disapproval for putting herself in this situation. Caitlin needed Carla to tell her that she should move on because she couldn't keep sitting around and feeling sorry for herself.

"Barry, listen, I have to go now. The reception is terrible here and I'm struggling to hear you." Caitlin improvised. She could still hear Barry perfectly fine, but he didn't need to know that. "Just remember to take care of Cisco, especially when he decides to fall in love again and gets his heart broken. And don't get angry with him every time he comes over and eats the food from your fridge." Caitlin could feel the prick of tears behind her eyes as she spoke.

"Cait." Barry interrupted but Caitlin spoke over him.

"And, Barry …" Caitlin swallowed back the emotions that threatened to make her voice break. "Give my love to Iris." Barry might misunderstand what she meant, but now that she was leaving, Barry could focus all of his love and attention on Iris. As well as being his lover and wife, Iris could be his best friend again because Barry would need one in Caitlin's absence.

"Caitlin!" Barry shouted and she heard a screech in the background which sounded like a chair scarping against tiles. Barry's name was called out and Caitlin could only assume that it was Iris.

Caitlin quickly disconnected the call. Tears rolled down her face and she roughly pushed them aside, lifting her head to stem the flow. She felt her chest ache when her phone rang again. Seeing Barry's name on her screen, Caitlin threw her mobile on the passenger's seat of her car. She turned on the radio to drown out the insistent ringing.

" _I'll remember you said,_

 _Sometimes it lasts in love_

 _But sometimes it hurts instead."_

"Oh, shut up, Adele." Caitlin groused, stabbing her finger violently at the power button of her car radio.

 **. . .**

"Caitlin!" Barry jumped up from his seat, his chair scraping backwards.

Diners in the restaurant turned to stare at him. Iris whispered his name loudly and reached out a hand to hold his forearm but Barry was immune to it all. The world seemed to be spinning around him and he wasn't sure how to make it stop.

He heard the line go dead on the other end and the beeping noise made his heart beat faster. He hurriedly pulled the phone away from his ear and looked at it, as if to make sure Caitlin was no longer there. He shifted from one foot to the other as he redialled his best friend.

No answer.

"Come on, Caitlin, pick up." Nothing. "What are you doing, Cait?" Barry whispered to himself.

It was only when Iris stood too, her face inches from his that Barry snapped back to the present. He wasn't sure what he planned on doing, but all he knew was that every cell in his body was rejecting the idea of Caitlin just up and leaving. It felt too sudden, it wasn't right. Something was wrong. He couldn't be there at the restaurant right now when Caitlin was … God only knew what she was thinking right now.

"Iris?" Barry's tone was pleading and he wasn't sure he knew what he was asking for in his state of turmoil but Iris seemed to understand.

When she spoke she gave Barry clarity as well. "Go, Barry." Her face looked slightly torn but Barry felt energy spur his body into life again over having a purpose in mind.

"Thank you." He dashed past her, without a proper goodbye and ran out of the restaurant.

Barry did not bother with his car, adrenaline too fierce in his bloodstream to be seated in a vehicle. He also did not want to get stuck in traffic. Running down the street, dodging people and crossing roads hastily, Barry's mind was jumbled with too many thoughts to make sense of any of them in that moment. So he ran, taking the familiar route to Caitlin's apartment. In hindsight he would be glad that the restaurant he had chosen was only a few streets away from Caitlin's place.

When he reached Caitlin's door, he found it partly open and burst through it. "Caitlin?" He called out desperately.

The sight of sealed boxes stacked neatly around the lounge made Barry feel as if the walls were closing in on him. Barry found Cisco standing in the middle of the room, staring out into space, and his friend's presence reminded him to breathe.

"Cisco?" Barry panted. His friend turned around slowly to look at him. Cisco's dark eyes looked empty and Barry felt a sharp pain stab at his chest, one which had nothing to do with his impulsive run.

Barry placed his hands on his knees, bending down to catch his breath. He felt the strangest urge to cry over the fact that Caitlin clearly wasn't there. Cisco was staring at him blankly and all Barry wanted to do was to shake his friend.

"She's gone." Cisco said softly and Barry stood up again. Why was Cisco just standing around doing nothing about Caitlin leaving?

"Okay, let's go then, Cisco. Let's go get her." Barry said urgently already turning towards the door.

Barry's words seemed to snap Cisco out of his stupor because he blinked his eyes owlishly before focusing in on Barry. "Didn't you hear me, she's gone."

"She couldn't have gone far." Barry argued, becoming frustrated with Cisco's lack of enthusiasm over his plan. "We have to stop her." At his words, Cisco seemed to grow angry as well.

"Why?" Cisco asked and Barry ran a hand through his hair in irritation.

"What do you mean why? We can't let her leave, Cisco. It doesn't make any sense. Why would Caitlin leave her life here, her home, her friends and move back to Detroit? She hates it there. She barely makes it through the holidays there, why would she want to move back permanently?" Barry was rambling, the questions and whirring thoughts that had been racing through his mind since his phone call with Caitlin finally being expressed. The situation made no sense to him at all.

"Well, being here right now is as painful for her as it used to be in Detroit, Barry. So I doubt she'll be too keen on coming back." The bitterness lacing Cisco's words set Barry's teeth on edge.

"What pain Cisco? What are you and Caitlin not telling me? I can't fix things if I don't know what's wrong." Barry pleaded.

Cisco laughed harshly and Barry clenched his fists at his side. In the back of his mind he knew he should not be directing his anger at Cisco, but rhyme and reason was temporarily absent from Barry's mind. If Cisco knew what was going on with Caitlin, why hadn't he stopped her? Why hadn't he turned to Barry like he normally did?

"Always playing hero, Barry. Well it might interest you to know that some things you break can't be put back together." Cisco sniped.

Barry narrowed his green eyes at his friend. "I broke?" He asked softly.

"Oh come on, man." Cisco threw his hands up in the air in obvious frustration. "You can't tell me that you haven't noticed Caitlin's weird behaviour lately." When Barry only continued to stare confusedly at Cisco, he shook his dark head and gave his friend a taunting smile. "No, of course you haven't noticed because you've been so preoccupied with Iris, so lost in your own happiness that everyone else's pain was invisible to you."

It was probably Barry's hurt reaction and his lack of self defence that angered Cisco more, because deep down he knew that Barry wasn't entirely to blame for the mess their friendship had turned into. Barry stared at Cisco with injured eyes but Cisco pushed aside the sympathy gnawing at his chest. He was angry at Barry right now.

"She's broken, Barry and you did that to her." Cisco said daringly. There was no point in keeping in his feelings on the matter any longer. Caitlin was gone and there wasn't a friendship left to protect. Besides, Cisco needed a punching bag to direct his anger at. So he ignored the wounded look in Barry's green eyes at the prospect of being the reason for Caitlin's pain and continued with his angry diatribe. "Caitlin's heartbroken over the fact that the man she loves, is about to marry someone else."

Silence.

The air in the room turned thick, punctuated only with the heavy breathing of the two men standing amongst the almost empty place. If a pin dropped, the sound would echo in the room.

"No. Caitlin … she can't … she isn't in …" Barry stammered bewilderedly.

"Isn't in love with you?" Cisco supplied. He gave Barry a strained smile. "She is."

If Barry had been feeling stunned by Caitlin leaving, Cisco's revelation made him feel as if he wasn't one with his body. His entire being shook and he knew he shuddered for a moment. His legs felt unable to support the weight of his body and when he looked down he realised that his hands were shaking. He had found his way to Caitlin's couch and sat down dismally. Cisco was now facing him. It felt as if he had lost his parents all over again.

"Cisco?" Barry pleaded, looking up with doleful green eyes, and just as Iris had, Cisco seemed to know exactly what he was asking, because Barry really did not know.

With a heavy huff, pity for Barry finally winning over Cisco's anger, he moved over to sit next to his distraught friend on the couch. Cisco was finding it difficult to remain angry at Barry when his friend looked utterly shattered over his confession.

"I never knew. Why didn't she tell me?" Barry tried to leave out the accusatory tone in his voice but the question still lingered. _'Why didn't you tell me, Cisco?'_ Because Cisco had known how Caitlin had felt all this time. Caitlin knew. Only Barry had been kept in the dark.

"She only knew after Henry." Cisco mentioned his father's death and Barry felt numb inside. "She was going to tell you, but …" Cisco trailed off, unsure if he wanted to solely blame Iris for Caitlin's silence.

"But Iris came back." Barry filled in. "God. Caitlin. I …" Barry placed his head in his hands as words failed him. He remembered what it had felt like to see Iris with Eddie when she used to come home for Christmas and felt his heart ache for Caitlin. She had hid all that pain and hurt from him.

Cisco nodded sadly next to him. "All she ever wanted was for you to be happy, man."

Barry slumped back into Caitlin's cushions, feeling drained. He closed his eyes but immediately opened them again as Caitlin's sweet face flashed behind his lids. "I wish she had said something." Barry said softly.

Cisco snorted. "Do you really think Caitlin would put you through a situation where you had to choose between Iris and her?"

Barry remained silent. "She's just never given me reason to believe that she felt that way about me. We've been closer than any two people had the right to be, how could I have not seen it?"

"It's harder to see what's right in front of you sometimes. She's always loved you, but it took almost losing you to realise it." Cisco confided.

"She hasn't always loved me. I heard her tell Felicity once that all she wanted from me was friendship. She said that it was what she needed. Her happiness meant everything to me. She encouraged me to pursue Iris. There were so many times when she could have stopped me and told me how she felt." Barry's mind was reeling and he wasn't sure if Cisco could hear the blame in his voice but as his best friend, Cisco probably could. That could have explained Cisco's diplomatic reply.

"I know she wanted you to have a chance with Iris because she would have never forgiven herself if she took that away from you." Cisco shrugged.

Barry nodded but his chest still ached and his eyes still burned. "She's not coming back, is she?" Barry questioned softy.

Cisco shook his head sadly. "You two have made some pretty permanent decisions in life, Barry. You and Iris are engaged to be married and you're not the sort of person to back out of that kind of commitment now. Besides, Caitlin would never let you."

Barry knew exactly what Cisco was trying to tell him without actually doing so. Barry could not look deeper into his feelings for Caitlin now because it was too late for them. Yet his mind still formed that one crucial question. He knew he loved Caitlin, without a doubt, but was he _in_ love with her? Sensing his indecision, Cisco spoke again.

"Listen, Barry, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but whether you feel the same way about Caitlin or not is a moot point now. You're in love with Iris, you plan on spending the rest of your life with her and you can't ask Caitlin to come back. Regardless of how you feel, she's been through too much already. Your indecisiveness is definitely the kind of false hope that could possibly destroy her."

Barry nodded. "That's why she was so upset over Felicity and Ray, wasn't she?" In hindsight, Barry started to interpret conversations and situations with Caitlin differently now. Caitlin's love had always been there, they had both just disguised in friendship.

"Caitlin was always a planner. She never jumped into situations head first. It took her weeks to decide what to do with her feelings for you. Dealing with emotions was never her strong suit. Your friendship meant too much to her to risk losing and I think deep down, for a guy who follows his heart a lot, it was the same for you when it came to Caitlin, because she's different."

"She is." Barry agreed softly.

He had been the best version of himself after he had met Caitlin. However, for someone who had always been called brave, the fear of losing Caitlin, like he had done with Iris after confessing his feelings to her, had terrified Barry. It was just ironic that in the end, he had still lost Caitlin.

"Are you going to be the voice of reason now that Caitlin is gone?" Barry teased, trying to lighten the mood.

"God, no." Cisco said with distaste. "It's hard work being this serious and rational. I'm a naturally funny guy, it's part of my charm. I couldn't suppress that all the time."

The pair of friends laughed together, feeling the tension that had come in between them ebb away slowly. They would need each other now more than ever since Caitlin was gone. They couldn't let recent events affect their views of one another if they intended on remaining friends. Besides the fact that neither wanted to lose another friend, another piece of themselves, Caitlin had wanted them to take care of each other. They would never have the heart to go against Caitlin's wishes. Their thoughts, probably streaming down the same direction, made their shared laughter fade away as reality washed over them. Caitlin was still gone.

The pair of friends sat in a mournful silence for a long while, trying to ease their own grief. Nether spoke. Barry looked around Caitlin's apartment and all he could see were memories of them together. He reminisced over all the times he, Caitlin and Cisco would laugh and goof around there. He wanted desperately for things to go back to the way they were, but knew that too much had changed for that to happen now.

After a long while Cisco got up. He silently placed a hand on Barry's shoulder before he left. Barry wasn't sure how long he continued to sit there after Cisco's departure, but he knew he couldn't stay there all night. No matter how much he wanted to be there in the hopes that Caitlin would walk through her door and wake him up after he had dozed off on her couch to tell him this entire day had been nothing but a bad dream.

As always, Barry reminded himself that he couldn't be selfish. Caitlin had left because she thought it was the best thing for her and he needed to respect her decisions, even if he didn't necessarily agree with them. Then he thought about Iris and he felt guilt join his sadness. He had left his fiancée at that restaurant and hadn't called once to check in on her. She was probably worried sick over him.

Standing up unenthusiastically Barry gave Caitlin's apartment one last longing look. As he turned, a flash of colour against the white of Caitlin's couch caught his gaze. Barry bent down and reached for what was stuck in the grooves of Caitlin's cushions. Pulling it out he saw that it was the polka dotted bowtie Caitlin had taken from his neck after his first, disastrous date with Iris months ago. If it hadn't been for Caitlin, he probably wouldn't be engaged to Iris right now.

" _Give my love to Iris."_ Caitlin's words echoed in his mind and as Barry squeezed the bowtie in his hands, his best friend's words took on a new meaning for him. This time he couldn't stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks.

 **. . .**

 **Author's Note:** _Don't worry dear readers, I am not a fan of long drawn out separations, so Barry and Caitlin will be reunited in the very next chapter. Do drop me a line, I love hearing what you all have to say and I try to take your desires into consideration as well. Until the next update …_

 _Nova*_


	6. Chapter 6

**Say You Won't Let Go**

 _Chapter Six_

 _Barry surreptitiously took in his surroundings. Seeing that the hallway in Caitlin's apartment block was deserted at midday, he quickly put a hand behind his back and pulled at the leather sticking uncomfortably in between his thighs. Barry ran a hand through his dark brown hair and shifted impatiently from one foot to the other. Oh, the things he did for friendships' sake. The pride he sacrificed for Caitlin._

" _Barry?" The man in question looked up to find Caitlin standing at the end of her hallway._

 _Barry gave her a sheepish grin before running a hand behind his head. "Now, Cait, don't freak out on me."_

 _Caitlin was standing across from Barry, frozen still, gaping at him with her pouty lips parted and her bright brown eyes wide. She looked utterly bemused. He couldn't blame her. Barry was standing outside her apartment door, wearing a maroon superhero suit made up of leather._

" _You're standing in my hallway dressed as the Flash. Barry, I've gone right past freaked out and straight into concern. Do I need to make a call to Belle Reve?" Caitlin was standing still, her arms poised in front of her, showing that she had been absently looking for her apartment keys in her handbag when she had spotted Barry._

" _Ha ha." Barry intoned sarcastically, rolling his sparkling green eyes at her. "Now, just wait right there." Barry tugged on the hood at the back of his suit, which served as a mask and pulled it over his face. He then offered Caitlin his best wolfish grin and she raised shapely eyebrows up at him._

 _He had checked himself out in the mirror after donning the Flash suit earlier on, but he wasn't quite convinced by how he looked in it. Was the burgundy sort of red really his colour? However, it had been too late to back out of his grand scheme after he had involved all of his friends in on it. It was just fortunate that Cisco did not mind tailoring the suits designed for promotional purposes for the superhero videogame on Barry's whim._

 _Barry made a whooshing noise as he ran towards Caitlin. He was aware of how ridiculously childish he sounded, but a part of him felt like a little boy again, filled with carefree abandonment. Caitlin gave a little squeal and hopped back. Undeterred, Barry swiftly gathered her up into his arms and she gasped. Instinctively she wound her arms around him, their noses almost touching. Barry could see a faint blush colouring her cheeks, no doubt from his complete disregard of her personal space, and the small blemish left behind from a childhood scar on her forehead._

" _Barry?" Caitlin sounded breathless but Barry smiled reassuringly down at her._

" _Relax, Cait. Trust me." He told her softly and he was pleased to see a hesitant smile shape her full lips before she looked directly into his eyes and nodded her head._

 _Breathing in deeply, Barry took in Caitlin's rose scented perfume. He stood absolutely still for a moment, staring into Caitlin's honey coloured eyes. Then he nodded before running off with her in his arms._

 _He heard Caitlin's shriek of surprise in his ear and she held on tighter, burying her face in his neck, her silky hair tickling his cheeks. Barry grimaced when he reached her closed door, setting her down quickly. Caitlin reached for his shoulder and he placed a flat palm on the wall to catch his breath._

" _I guess …" He panted out. " … I really didn't think that one through. It looks a lot easier when the Flash does it with Killer Frost." Barry admitted on a huff._

 _Caitlin rolled her eyes at him good naturedly. "A videogame is an unrealistic hypothesis for performing an action in reality, Barry. And next time, a little warning would be nice before you decide to go all Neanderthal on me." Caitlin chastised lightly but she couldn't help the wide smile that lit up her face._

" _Noooo." Barry drawled out. "There will not be a next time. You're a lot heavier than you look."_

 _Caitlin's hands went to her hips. "Are you implying that I'm fat?" She gasped and dangerously narrowed brown eyes at him._

 _Barry immediately stood up straighter, raising his hands up defensively. "Never." He shook his head to reassure Caitlin, green eyes innocently wide. She looked appeased. "All I'm saying is that you_ could _go easy on those chocolate truffles you love so much."_

 _There was a sharp intake of breath from Caitlin, in mock horror, and she reached out a hand to playfully slap at Barry's arm. He ducked his head to the side but when her palm collided with his shoulder Barry placed a hand to his chest and feigned a pain he did not feel. "Ouch."_

 _Caitlin laughed at Barry's playful behaviour and he smiled affectionately at her. She looked up to find him watching her closely. She pushed a tendril of brown hair behind her ears and shyly looked up at him._

" _What?" She asked self consciously, biting her bottom lip._

" _What? Nothing." Barry said softly. He reached out and shook her jaw gently. Caitlin let go of her lip. "You look really nice when you smile, Cait." Caitlin's eyes suddenly shadowed and Barry reached for her hand quickly, shaking his head. "No, don't do that." Barry commanded and Caitlin looked up at him sadly. "Don't get lost in the pain of the past again."_

" _I'm sorry, Barry." Caitlin gave him a brave smile but it didn't fool him._

 _Barry hated seeing Caitlin unhappy. She always guarded her emotions so well that when she did give in to her pain, her sadness became so tangible that Barry wanted to do whatever he could to make it go away. Ever since her drunken episode a couple of nights ago, he had been wondering how best to cheer her up. He had finally found a way and it had seemed to be working so far, so he wasn't going to let her fall back into wallowing again._

" _You don't have to be sorry, Cait. I understand how you feel. My mother died fourteen years ago. I used to think that the further away I got from it, the less it would hurt, but some days the pain is worse than the day it had happened." Barry empathised with his best friend. "Some things you can't fight."_

 _Caitlin looked up at him, brown eyes blazing with unshed tears, her lips pursed angrily. "But why does she have to give away their possessions now. I mean, she kept Charlie's room exactly as it was before he died for over two decades. Why does she suddenly want to donate his things to charity? To charity, Barry! That's so impersonal. And all of my dad's research. Of course I want it. It's his work, his late nights and agonising and hand writing." Caitlin threw her hands in the air to demonstrate her frustration with her mother before her voice broke on a small sob. Barry immediately pulled her towards him._

" _Hey, come here." He held her tightly, placing his chin on the crown of her head. He said nothing. Instead Barry offered her his shoulder and after a while Caitlin sighed and Barry could feel her tense muscles unwind against him. She pushed away from him slowly. "Better?" He asked, his hands moving from her back to rub her arms soothingly._

 _Caitlin nodded. "Thank you." She closed her eyelids slowly in that way she normally did when expressing her gratitude to Barry._

" _Cait, the fact that your mother has kept all of Charlie's and your dad's stuff for this long shows that she isn't as cold hearted as she lets on. But this is probably her way of finally letting go. Holding on to their possessions just delayed the healing process for the both of you. Look at it, Cait. You're distraught over giving their things away because now it feels like you're saying goodbye to them all over again."_

 _Barry watched as Caitlin processed this information. He knew very well that comforting words wouldn't work with Caitlin. She needed rational thoughts to bring her out of her slump. She could deal with logic. The uncertainty of her emotions and the way it made her feel, she was clueless as to what to do with those and that was why she had ended up getting drunk out of her mind and singing karaoke a few nights back._

 _She was more like her mother than she knew. Except, where Carla was an expert at keeping her emotions in check, Caitlin's always brewed and simmered until it exploded in a less than healthy fashion from being bottled up for far too long._

" _Caitlin, your dad and brother, just like my mother, would have never wanted us to be sad every time we thought about them. That doesn't honour the memory of them. We lose all the happiness they gave us because those memories become tainted by the sadness we dwell on after they die. They're not coming back and it isn't something you ever get over, but if you keep hoping that they do, then you're never able to truly let go." Barry told her gently, waiting for his words to sink in._

 _After a while Caitlin looked up at him and offered him a smile. "You know, you didn't have to dress up as the Flash to make me listen to you." She teased and Barry chuckled happily._

" _I know, but this is only half the surprise." Barry tried to waggle his eyebrows at her but found it difficult in the leather mask so he settled for gesturing towards her door like a butler instead. Caitlin eyed him suspiciously._

" _Barry Allen, what have you done?" Caitlin asked uncertainly. Barry knew she wasn't a fan of surprises, but Barry also knew that she was bound to like this one. When Barry only inclined his head towards her door, Caitlin bit her lip before cautiously opening it._

" _Surprise." The resulting shout which followed her entrance was boisterous and Caitlin put her hand to her chest as she took in the sight before her._

 _All her closest friends were gathered around her apartment dressed up as the characters Cisco had designed in their likeliness for his superhero videogame. It was like Halloween, but better. Even Oliver was wearing green leather, complete with a quiver slung across his back and a bow in hand. Admittedly he did look slightly grumpy but the fact that he had made the effort for her made her reward him with a bright smile which he acknowledged with a rare one of his own. Caitlin couldn't help the happy and amused laugh that bubbled up her chest._

 _She looked up over her shoulder where Barry was standing behind her, his hands on her, smiling happily at their friends. He met her gaze when he felt her eyes on him._

" _Thank you." She mouthed and he nodded, placing a soft kiss on her temple. Caitlin closed her eyes for a moment, revelling in the feeling of being loved._

" _Okay, okay, this crew isn't complete just yet." Cisco strutted towards her, shoulders held higher than she had ever seen them before. His long, leather trench coat and tinted glasses made him look very handsome indeed._

" _Cisco." Caitlin said excitedly, hugging him tightly before holding her friend at arms length to examine his appearance. "Very nice." Caitlin approved._

" _Thank you." He bowed graciously to her._

 _Felicity stalked over on spindly, high heels. "I'm just grateful Cisco kept my videogame persona similar to my real life one." The blonde said, raising her strong chin and pushing up her glasses before she hugged Caitlin. Oliver groused something behind her back but everyone ignored him._

 _Ray looked the cheeriest from the group, even though it was clear he was struggling to walk in his metal suit. Oliver rolled his eyes at a bumbling Ray but everyone pretended not to notice._

" _Only because you threatened to hack into my laptop and corrupt all the progress I worked on for the game." Cisco reminded grudgingly._

 _Felicity shrugged unabashedly. "Well, if I hadn't, you probably would have dressed me up like them as well. What is your fascination with leather anyway?"_

 _Cisco's expression was affronted. "Hey, Ray's suit isn't leather if you haven't noticed. And besides – "_

" _Okay you two, give it a rest." Barry intervened. "We still need to get Caitlin geared up."_

" _What?" Caitlin immediately turned wide eyes on Barry before looking pleadingly at Cisco. "Oh no, this is my party, I don't have to dress up for it."_

" _Oh, but it isn't your birthday, honey. So let's go, this way." Felicity bossily tugged Caitlin's hand and led her towards her bedroom._

 _After almost three quarters of an hour, during which Cisco had impatiently spent every five minutes knocking on Caitlin's bedroom door, Barry and the others cheered when Caitlin finally emerged into the lounge dressed as Killer Frost. John and Thea whistled enthusiastically and Laurel gave a loud wolf cry as Caitlin timidly made her way towards them. Seeing their positive reactions made her smile, her confidence heightening. Her cheeks were a rosy pink but she sportingly raised her hands in a ta-da fashion and spun around in slow motion._

 _The differences between Caitlin and Killer Frost were startling to Barry. He had never seen Caitlin look so enticing before, dressed in skimpy leather and lace. But if he had been asked, he would have taken her brown hair and silk blouses to the white mane, blue eyes and seductive boots any day._

 _Regardless of what Barry thought though, the sound of Caitlin's husky laughter filling the apartment, made Barry's chest swell with pride and happiness. Mission accomplished. He had never felt more like a hero than he did in that moment. He guessed normal humans like himself didn't have to be out there, running faster than the speed of light, putting bad guys away when he had the ability to save the people closest to him._

" _All right everybody, photo time." Cisco called out and even though the adults in the room groaned and protested, Barry could tell that they all wanted to capture this day forever._

 _After a picture was snapped of Barry, Caitlin and Cisco from a Polaroid camera, Barry looked over at the three of them in the photograph. Caitlin was in the centre, her arms wrapped tightly around them both, her head leaning into Barry's side. He immediately knew that this was one he would frame and have sitting on his office desk tomorrow._

 _A while later, Caitlin and Barry were busy laughing at Oliver, who was trying to shoot an arrow. He was so terrible at it that it fell behind his shoulder before it could even move forward. That was when the pair heard the telltale shutter of a camera. Cisco fanned out the photo before handing it over to Barry and Caitlin._

 _The pair studied it, each holding one side of the photograph, before grinning at the other. They looked completely happy in the picture, laughing at Oliver's expense. Caitlin's hand was on his forearm, Barry's face right next to hers as he bent over in mirth. Barry was no longer wearing his mask and Caitlin had long since thrown of her wig complaining of how itchy it was. They were Barry and Caitlin, not the Flash and Killer Frost._

" _I like Barry and Caitlin." He said unthinkingly._

" _We are quite the pair, Mr Allen." Caitlin looked up from the photo to offer Barry a fond smile and he turned to look at his best friend._

 _He nodded. "Yes we are, Doctor Snow." He couldn't help but agree._

* * *

 **THE** year after Caitlin had left had been one of the most difficult times of Barry's life. Loss was a painful foe that he had grown accustomed to battling ever since his mother had died; only losing Caitlin had been worse.

When a loved one died, you understood that they weren't coming back. You knew deep down that no matter how much you screamed, cried or raged – they would never be there again. The dead could not speak to you, they could not hold you and even if they wanted to, they would not be able to comfort you. However, Caitlin wasn't dead. She had just moved cities and so her absence from Barry's life shouldn't have been a dramatic ordeal. But it was.

Barry couldn't call Caitlin to ask her opinion on a case he was working on, or what pie he should get Captain Singh to appease his superior after showing up late yet again. He couldn't pop in to visit her at S.T.A.R Labs to check out their latest tech or to just see her smile when he babbled excitedly over science. The worse part of it all was that he couldn't share those things with Caitlin because she didn't want to do them with him, not because she couldn't.

After Caitlin had left, she had ignored his endless streams of calls, texts and emails. She had shunned him from her life and it had stung. It had been excruciating. Barry had understood that her self exile was for her own good, but did she have to shut him out as well? That was the problem with losing Caitlin. His head couldn't reconcile with his heart as to why he couldn't just see her again. She wasn't dead after all.

Iris had insisted that Barry go after her but he was at a loss as to what he would say to Caitlin if he did. Like Cisco had said, it hurt Caitlin to be his friend now and he despised that he made her feel that way. He couldn't remember being the reason for someone's unhappiness before and he wasn't sure how to handle it. So Barry had stayed away.

He hadn't been ready to let go of Iris either. He had been in love with her since he was eleven years old. Iris had accepted his decisions but suggested that they have a longer engagement to give themselves a chance to adjust better to their relationship. So they had moved in together. After all, you only really knew what someone was like once you shared a roof with them.

" … a marriage trail period." Iris had called it.

The term had sounded so reminiscent of a science experiment, conjuring up memories of humour filled conversations with Caitlin, that Barry had agreed. It soon became clear though, that Barry and Iris wanted very different things from life. Barry who had always pined for the love of a normal family had wanted to be a part of one with all his heart. Iris who had only known the stability of a conventional home, who hadn't lost anyone she loved to death, thought that they were still young and had their entire lives ahead of them.

Iris loved her job as a journalist. She enjoyed travelling and staying in different cities or states for days, sometimes weeks, on end. Barry's job as a Forensic Scientist did not allow him a cluster of vacation days every month. Although, in the end, it had been the little things that had chipped away at their love for each other and their resolve to stay together and make things work.

Barry dreamed of owning a house, Iris liked the convenience of an apartment. He wanted a dog; she thought they were too much work. He dreamed of a life within a white picket fence and Iris told him that this was reality. It was an existence where they rushed around each others busy schedules, making appointments to spend time together. Had their relationship always been that way, or had Barry been living in a fantasy of his own making, where his love had blinded him to the truth all along?

In the end, it had been a relief when his relationship had come to an end. Barry had often felt like he had spent so much of time focused on _being_ with Iris, that he hadn't thought about what he would do when he actually was with her. They had tried, they had both given it their best shots, yet even those weren't good enough to block the petty fights or knockout their differences when it came down to it.

At first Barry had been too consumed with trying to convince himself that Iris was end game, that this was what he had always wanted, that he let the fear of failure drive him, pushing him to work harder at their relationship. If it hadn't been for Cisco, he might not have had a chance to pull himself out of the craziness that had become his life the year after Caitlin had left.

"It's okay to let go, Barry, especially when holding on only causes us pain. We all have this misconception that somehow love is supposed to make everything okay, and sure it does make the world brighter and happier, but it isn't magical fairy dust. It doesn't cure the worlds' problems, those are still there. Sometimes it doesn't fix relationships either. But that's okay, Barry. Not all love stories have to last a lifetime or die in tragedy. Sometimes, the ones in between, make us who we were supposed to be, take us to where we need to be." Iris had been so wise about the end of their relationship that Barry had felt the fight drain out from him.

She hadn't cried in front of him, she did not break down or tell him that maybe they could take a break and try again at a later point. She had just been honest. Iris had been strong enough to do what Barry had been too afraid of doing that year and had pulled the plug on their engagement. Cisco had been there to pick up the pieces and reassure him that it was for the best.

" _There are more important things than love, Barry, like respect, understanding … friendship."_

In the aftermath of his break-up, Caitlin's words had flashed through his mind, like lighting, searing through every other thought until he was left with only that one whirling strand of words. He had always thought that love encompassed all those components, and he had been right. He had just been wrong when he had given his love another form. He had seen Iris as love, when all along, love had been Caitlin. Love was friendship.

Barry had not gone to Caitlin after his break up with Iris though. To do so would have been an insult to his best friend. He would not let Caitlin think that she was some sort of consolation prize. What was he supposed to tell her?

"Hey Cait, I finally figured out how I feel about you. I know it only took me a year and moving in with Iris to be certain, but I'm ready now. I want to see if there really is something more between us." That would have been a slap in the face and he would never do that to Caitlin. And if he was being completely honest with himself, he was still hurting over the fact that she had so ruthlessly cut him out of her life.

Neither was Barry a selfish and insensitive being to run to Caitlin straight after his break up with Iris. Their relationship deserved a certain amount of respect and so he had stayed put, deciding to make peace with his past first.

 **. . .**

Three years had passed since Caitlin had left. Sometimes it was pure torture not to feel resentful towards Cisco for still being a part of her life. It was hard knowing that Cisco spoke to Caitlin on a regular basis, was updated on the progress of her life and visited her at least every month or so whereas he had been axed out from her life like a poisonous branch.

While Cisco reassured him that she was fine every time he asked, Barry still felt deliberately left out. He always got the feeling that Cisco was keeping things from him. It wouldn't be the first time. Cisco had kept Caitlin's feelings for him a secret for over a year, so Barry always felt doubtful that he was kept in the loop. Yet he knew he had no right to pry so he took what he got.

Cisco admitted that she always asked about him, and while Barry always felt encouraged by this bit of information, the fact that she hadn't once bothered to contact him still felt like betrayal to him. Barry had never questioned Cisco about Caitlin's motives and reasoning behind her logic because it felt like an unfair situation to place their friend in.

Barry tried to push away the bitter thoughts being left out brought about and focused in on his best friend instead. Cisco had just arrived back from Detroit a week ago and they had met up for some drinks. Cisco did not seem like himself tonight. The nervous stuttering, the inability to look him in the eye, all made Barry feel like a villainous impostor who would ram a fist through Cisco's chest and pull out his heart if his friend so much as breathed the wrong way.

After a while, Barry forced Cisco to spit it out. "Caitlin got married this weekend." Cisco spilled on a heavy sigh. Barry could have sworn he heard his heart freezing in his chest before it cracked into a million pieces. Cisco grimaced. He looked as if he were in physical pain before he bowed his head. He did not meet Barry's eyes. "I'm sorry, man."

Barry wasn't sure if Cisco was apologising for not being good at keeping secrets under pressure, blurting out the painful information or the fact that Caitlin had moved on permanently. Whatever it was for, it jerked him from his temporary stupor. Reaching for his drink, Barry drained the glass.

"That's good. I'm happy for her." He wasn't.

He had no clue that she had been dating anyone let alone been engaged. Maybe it was a little egotistical to think that she was still harbouring feelings for him or waiting for him, or whatever it was he had expected, all he knew was that he was extremely unprepared to learn that she was now married. Barry had no intention of asking about the details right then either. He needed a stronger drink.

 **. . .**

Happy laughter floated towards Barry's ears, the smell of a barbeque in the air and the colourful balloons flying around made him genuinely smile after what felt like a very long time. He watched all his friends, gathered in different groups, conversing, laughing or just looking ahead with pleased smiles on their faces – exactly as he was doing.

Barry spotted Oliver sitting patiently on one of the wooden picnic benches. Little Sara was perched atop the adjoining table, carefully sticking glittering, silver stars across Oliver's face. Barry grinned widely at this, making his way over to his friend.

"I think one more over there should do the trick." Barry told Sara seriously, pointing a finger above Oliver's lips.

The other man threw a deadly look at Barry, one that looked completely ridiculous against the pretty stars on his face, twinkling from the sunlight above and Barry shrugged innocently while trying to stifle his laughter.

"Thanks, Uncle Barry." Sara nodded in appreciation before jumping from the table and bouncing off to cause more havoc. Oliver picked up his drink from nearby and sipped from it, not bothering to remove the stars from his face.

"Looks good on you." Barry needled and Oliver turned another stony glare on him.

"We'll see who has the last laugh when you're a Godfather." Oliver said smugly. "Just imagine all those miniature Ciscos running around you."

Barry's green eyes widened a fraction as he followed Oliver's raised glass over his shoulder. At the moment a very swollen Felicity was looming threateningly over Cisco while she painted his face to resemble a clown. Cisco looked extremely disgruntled over his situation but was clearly more intimidated by Felicity's rounded belly to try and get out of it.

Barry turned back around to Oliver. "Well, you'll be a father before that happens, so I guess I have a lot more humour at your expense coming my way first."

Oliver pursed his lips grumpily. "Sometimes I wonder why I ever agreed to give in to Felicity and start a family so soon." His complain was said with affection instead of doubt though.

Barry squinted his eyes thoughtfully. "Because you can never say no to Felicity Smoak."

Oliver inclined his head and raised his glass in acknowledgement of Barry's statement. "Queen. Felicity Queen." He corrected and Barry accepted the correction with a raise of his own glass.

Felicity had taken Barry's advice, plucked up the courage and told Ray how conflicted she had been feeling over the prospect of him proposing to her. Ray, being the decent person he is, had let Felicity go. Oliver and Felicity had been married for almost two years now and were expecting their first child together.

"Just be thankful you got a second chance. Those don't come around very often when women like Felicity walk away from you." Barry meant it to sound reassuring, but it only came across as wounded.

Oliver set his own glass down, watching Barry with a calculating look. "You still miss her, don't you?" Oliver asked shrewdly.

Barry nodded eventually. He wasn't a very good liar anyway. "Yeah. Everyday." He admitted with a rueful smile and dejected shrug. He rubbed a hand across the nape of his neck. "Things haven't been the same since she left."

Oliver nodded. He understood what it meant to love someone so deeply you could let them go if it came down to it. However, in Barry's case, he wished he had gotten the chance to properly explore his love for Caitlin.

"It's been four years, Barry and you still can't seem to move forward. Yet you certainly weren't this distraught over your break up with your fiancée." Oliver's words cut through Barry's thoughts and he grimaced in shame.

"I guess it's the things we never get to do or have that fill us with the most regret." Barry said to Oliver, who in turn grimaced at his philosophy. Barry grinned at him.

"Is that what you tell yourself to sleep at night, Barry?" Oliver's tone wasn't harsh, but his words made Barry stutter. "Because you could have had that second chance too, you know."

Barry stared down at his glass indecisively. "Maybe." He murmured.

"Look, Barry." Oliver said seriously. "I used to think that guys like us, scarred people with dark pasts, don't get the girl because we're not capable of dealing with all the emotional baggage that comes with it. I shut emotions out, I'm detached. You embrace it, you feel too much. Neither is good, there's never any balance. But Felicity, she's my equilibrium. Whenever I'm leaning over the edge, she always brings me back and I forgot that for a long time. I underestimated her strength and pushed her away. Caitlin chose to love you, but you haven't once accepted her feelings for you. The blame of not having a second chance, or even a first for that matter, unfortunately, rests solely on your shoulders."

Oliver didn't speak openly very often, certainly not in so many words, but when he did, you knew to listen. It was true. Barry had chosen to live without Caitlin, over thinking their situation, and in the end, time had dealt the worst punishment on him.

"Barry, you let Cisco tell you it wasn't the right time to see her this year, and maybe he was right, but it's been eight months. If there's one thing I do know about Caitlin, is that if she didn't need you then, she definitely does now. If you keep letting time decide for you, then you don't really want Caitlin to be a part of your life any longer." Barry's head shot up.

Oliver gave him a rare half smile and then stood up. His friend placed a large palm on his shoulder before Oliver made his way towards Felicity. Maybe Oliver was right, maybe Barry had just become so accustomed to loss that he was too afraid of fighting against it.

 **. . .**

He leaned against the doorframe, watching her as she worked in Mercury Labs. She was engrossed in her research as always, eyes staring into a microscope. Barry smiled at the scene, feeling a sense of calmness settle within him. He made no noise and she was oblivious to his presence for a full minute before she suddenly looked up and turned straight towards him, as if she had sensed him watching her.

Her eyes widened, surprise clearly etched in the way her eyebrows drew together. A small smiled disappeared before it could be fully appreciated. "What are you doing here?"

Not quite sure what to make of her reaction, Barry straightened, feeling nervousness roil in the pit of his stomach. Unsure what to do with his hands he made some inane gestures before stuffing them into his pockets. He took a few tentative steps towards her, afraid he would trip over his own two feet. He felt like an awkward, gawky teenager again.

"I'm sorry. I should have called … or something. I just … I don't know, I wanted to see you." It wasn't graceful or very articulate, but it was the truth.

"It's been a while." She said softly, tilting her head to the side, as if she too was not sure what to make of his sudden visit.

"Yes, it has." He agreed.

Barry could have came up with a thousand reasons as to why they were only just meeting after four years, some of them could be excuses he made for himself, others could have been accusations he wanted to throw at her, but seeing Caitlin again, made him want to start afresh. He didn't want to waste any time agonising over the past now that he was finally in the same room as her again.

"I'm sorry it's taken me this long." He told her honestly and she smiled more sincerely at him this time.

The pounding of Barry's heart started to quell slightly. This was Caitlin. She had been his best friend for over a decade, four years of separation could not change that. Barry wouldn't let it.

She tilted her head to the side, looking apologetic. "It wasn't entirely your fault." Caitlin offered and he felt more tension fade away from him.

Caitlin was looking at him like she had always looked at him, with patience and care. There was no resentment, anger or pain in her eyes and Barry wanted desperately to reach for her, to hold her, but didn't think they were there just yet.

"I'm sorry about Ronnie." Barry said earnestly and her eyes clouded over for a moment before she looked down. When she met his gaze again, her expression was shuttered.

"Thank you." Caitlin said softly.

He spoke to fill the lingering silence that threatened to become awkward. "I wanted to come when I heard, to be there for the funeral, but Cisco didn't think it was such a good idea."

"What did _you_ think?" Caitlin asked suddenly and her intelligent brown eyes were piercing.

Barry swallowed. He hadn't been prepared for such a revealing question so early on in their conversation, but decided that he didn't want to hide anything from Caitlin this time around. "I wanted to be there for you too, but wasn't sure how you would react. It isn't like we've been swapping emoticons over the last four years."

Caitlin's eyes narrowed and Barry belatedly realised that some of the bitterness and anger he felt towards her decisions had tainted his words. "To be honest, I didn't think much about it at the time." She told him indifferently.

Maybe Caitlin was just being brutally honest, because he doubted she had been too concerned about the man she used to love while she buried her husband, but it sounded as if her remark also stemmed from anger, meant to cut through his words.

Barry nodded, accepting her words in the token they were said. There was bound to be some uncomfortable truths hanging in the air between them, souring their friendship, but Barry believed that they could get past it. He decided to take the first step in moving forward.

"I wish I could have been there for you, Cait. It doesn't matter what the last couple of years have been like for us, you don't mean any less to me now than you did back in college or when you became a doctor." Barry looked up at her and was pleased to see her give him a cautious smile. "I also wish I had gotten to know him. Cisco said he was a great guy."

Caitlin nodded, her lips coming together in a way she did when she was trying to hold back her tears. Compared to how she had looked before she had left Central City, Caitlin appeared a little thinner to Barry, her shoulders slightly slumped and her eyes more shadowed but the sight of her was still comforting to him.

Dressed in a white lab coat, the front of her red dress visible beneath it, brown locks shining on her shoulders, made Barry want to reach out and touch her to make sure she wasn't an illusion. He took a step closer. Caitlin hadn't been married long, a few short months after a year long courtship, and even though she looked to be doing fairly well, Barry knew Caitlin, and she wasn't completely over her husband's death just yet.

"You two would have got along very well." She nodded, eyes going to the floor before she looked up at him again. "He was a lot like you. He made me smile, he saw through the pain and past the hurt." She blinked, as if she was seeing Barry for the first time, as if he hadn't walked into her laboratory almost ten minutes ago. "His love for helping people probably made him leave with a smile."

Ronnie Raymond had been a fireman. A selfless one who had given his life to ensure the safety of dozens of civilians. Caitlin shook her head as tears threatened to overflow from her eyes and Barry immediately reached into his pocket to hand her a handkerchief.

Caitlin looked at it and made a small disbelieving noise, that sounded caught in between a huff and a laugh, before taking it from him. "Oh, you carry a handkerchief now? What are you, eighty?"

Her teasing made Barry's chest swell with emotions and he grinned down at her. "I guess when you're used to loss it comes in handy."

Caitlin's brown head moved to the side. "Cisco told me about you and Iris. I'm really sorry, Barry."

Barry shook his head, realising slowly that his joke hadn't been funny at all. "No, it's okay. We're still friends and if we hadn't called it quits then, we might not have been able to have that." Barry shrugged. "But my situation pales in comparison to what you've been through lately, Caitlin."

Caitlin shrugged too. "Pain is pain, right? It can't be measured by our situations." Barry acknowledged her point with a nod of his head. "Anyway, I've done this one too many times before. I guess you could say I'm used to it by now." She gave a small, bitter laugh.

Something in her resentful tone, the callous way her words came out from her mouth, didn't sit well with Barry. Yet he wasn't sure what he could ask her to pinpoint exactly what was bothering him about her reaction to her loss.

"How long are you staying for?" Caitlin's question broke through his thoughts.

Barry shrugged again. "It was a spur of the moment trip. I came here without really thinking it through in case I second guessed myself and changed my mind." His grin was sheepish and his cheeks reddened with embarrassment.

However, Caitlin gave him an affectionate smile in return, one that he hadn't seen in years. "Okay, let's have dinner tonight then, in case you decide to run back to Central City in the middle of the night."

"Sounds like a plan." Barry agreed happily, feeling like their first meeting after years had gone better than he had expected.

 **. . .**

When Caitlin opened her front door for him, still dressed in her red dress, sans her lab coat and heels, Barry felt a warm rush of familiarity over the situation brew in his heart. He smiled widely at her and showed her the bottle of wine and chocolate truffles he had brought over. She grinned at him and reached for his offerings. Falling into old habits he leaned in to hug her but she quickly moved away from him, leaving Barry feeling oddly deflated.

He took in a deep breath, realising that this would definitely be a rollercoaster ride of emotions and prepared himself to go through with it without vomiting. "Come in." Caitlin offered and he followed her.

Her cosy town house was vastly different from the apartment she had lived in while Central City had been her home. Neutral shades of paint coloured the walls, no sequined scatter cushions took up unnecessary space on the couch. A male's leather jacket could be seen hanging on the hat and coat stand by the entrance, a pair of rubber boots below it. It was homely instead of practical and it was very evident that a man lived there too. Barry could see Caitlin's touch everywhere though, from the scented candles on a shelf, a vase of flowers on the coffee table and a coaster beneath the half empty beer bottle on the side table beside a couch.

He shrugged of his jacket and placed it on the back oh her couch, feeling slightly uncomfortable with hanging it next to what he knew had to be Ronnie's. "Nice place." He said, spinning around.

Caitlin walked back into the lounge from her kitchen, bare feet and carrying two glasses of wine. She handed him one. "Thanks, I chose the house. Ronnie picked the area because it was sort of central to both our work places." She picked up a frame from the side table near the beer bottle.

Barry eyed the frame, careful to keep his expression neutral. Caitlin was smiling at the camera. A good looking dark haired man's face was pressed closely to hers. Barry felt happy that Caitlin had fallen in love again and equally envious of the man she had chosen, who wasn't him. Ronnie was tall, dark and handsome. He had been a fireman, one that had died in the line of duty. A real life hero. Barry couldn't compete with that.

' _For real?'_ Barry mentally chastised himself and reigned in his improper thoughts. He wasn't there to compete with a dead guy. That was a shameful line of thinking. He was here to be a friend again. To mend a friendship that was worth fighting for. "You looked happy, Cait."

"I am." Caitlin was still looking at the picture and when she took it gently from him, running a hand down Ronnie's face, Barry noticed that she was still wearing her wedding ring.

Barry ran a finger inside his collar in discomfort. "Anyway, I made your favourite."

Barry was glad for the shift in conversation. "Pot chicken?"

Caitlin nodded with a warm smile and Barry chuckled. He didn't think about his actions, swinging an arm around Caitlin's shoulders from ingrained habits. For a moment she stiffened beneath his touch. Barry was about to pull his hand back, clearing his throat to apologise, but he heard Caitlin exhale loudly before she held onto his fingers with her own. It was fleeting, but she squeezed him before walking away and out of his hold. Barry ran his palm down the back of his head. It was progress.

 **. . .**

He laughed with Caitlin, in a manner that made him double over and hold his side, tears springing to his eyes, after what felt like a lifetime of dullness. They had loads to catch up on but it almost felt like they hadn't spent a day apart when they picked off each other's plate or reached for the same wineglass. At first there were awkward stares, throat clearing and averted eyes when they did something they used to do with each other, but once the initial uncomfortable moment passed, things seemed to shift to better ground between them. With ever memory shared or laughter given, the tension drained from the pair.

Caitlin had managed to spill some wine on her dress, in her buzzed state while giggling, and like he had done on so may different occasions before their separation, Barry rushed form his chair in order to find her something to change into. Caitlin did not object to this so Barry felt encouraged enough to peer through closed doors in order to find her bedroom.

Humming slightly he didn't mind not being familiar with the cupboards he met in Caitlin's bedroom. Barry pulled open a drawer and was taken aback to find it full of male underwear, socks and vests. Something clicked in Barry's mind.

Her words at Mercury Labs today, the boots still out in the entrance, Ronnie's jacket hanging on the hat stand, the beer bottle on the side table. All those things made it seem like Ronnie was still living there. As if the man wasn't dead. Barry walked towards the closet. He pulled it open and was not surprised to find it full of Ronnie's clothes.

"What are you doing?" Barry turned around to find Caitlin watching him with blazing brown eyes.

"Caitlin." He said and the sympathy must have echoed in his voice because Caitlin stormed towards him and slammed the closet door shut.

"Just what do you think you're doing rummaging through my husband's things? You have no right." Caitlin snapped, turning on him furiously.

"Cait, I - " Barry made to reach for her shoulder but she shook of his hand.

"I think you should leave now, Barry." Caitlin crossed her arms against her chest and Barry could tell from the goosebumps appearing on her bare skin that she was holding back a shiver. It was something she did when her emotions took a toll on her.

"Caitlin, you haven't come to terms with what has happened, have you? All these things, you're doing what your mother did, aren't you. You're holding on to Ronnie's belongings, pretending he's going to come back. Like he isn't – " The last words never left his mouth as Caitlin's palm slapped the side of his face. Barry turned to look down at her, jaw twitching and green eyes hurt.

"I don't need you here after four years, trying to get me to deal with my pain, Barry. I was fine when I left Central City, after you broke my heart, and I'm fine now. You shouldn't have come here." Caitlin snapped bitterly.

Her words stung, it cut through the stitches she had been neatly sewing over his heart ever since she had invited him over for dinner and cooked his favourite meal today. He bled inside but he knew then that Caitlin's wounds took precedence over his own. Now was not the time to remind her that he hadn't been aware that he had been breaking her heart and that if he had been given the chance, he would have never done anything to intentionally hurt her.

"Cait, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have let you go like that." Barry started to reason.

"No." Caitlin shook her head vehemently, fists clenched at her sides now. "If you hadn't, I wouldn't have met Ronnie. I'm glad things turned out the way they did."

Barry fell silent. He had no response to that. She was right, if he had come to her sooner, she might not have gotten romantically involved with Ronnie. But that could have also saved her so much of added pain. Barry felt responsible for her hurt. It was all his fault.

"I should have been here, Caitlin. You shouldn't have gone through this all by yourself." He apologised.

"I wasn't alone, Barry. I had Cisco and my mother. I had Ronnie." Caitlin told him.

"Caitlin." Barry cocked his head to the side sympathetically. "Ronnie's gone. He isn't coming back."

For a moment Caitlin's eyes flashed so dangerously that Barry flinched, feeling the earlier sting of her slap and expecting a repeat performance. Barry's face was spared though. Instead Caitlin's eyes dulled, welling with tears the anger slowly gave way to sadness. She placed her lips together as fat teardrops rolled down her cheeks.

"No." She denied and Barry reached for her but she took a step back. "No." She repeated on a whisper, swatting his hand away.

Barry did not relent this time. He took a quick step forward and placed her in his arms. At first his embrace was rough as she tried to fight against him, to resist, but he held on tighter, pressing her into his chest.

Eventually he could hear her wracking sobs. Her legs gave way beneath her and Barry chose to sink down to the plush carpet with her. He rocked her soothingly as he felt her finally let go of the pain she had been holding on to. He wondered if Caitlin had cried like this after Ronnie had died or if she'd been bottling up all of her emotions since then.

"Shhh." Barry shushed, running his fingers down her silky tresses. "It's okay, I got you." And he knew that he would not let go again. Barry would be a better friend this time around. He would be there for her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Say You Won't Let Go**

 _ **Chapter Seven**_

 _Barry's lips thinned as he held back Caitlin's hair with one hand and rubbed her back soothingly with the other. Her head was still stuck down the toilet bowl and he wished he hadn't gone out with the guys tonight._

" _You should have called me sooner." Barry tried his best not to slur, but like himself, Oliver wasn't a light weight and keeping up with his friend took some serious dedication to downing shots. "You're sick." He told her seriously._

 _Caitlin looked at him over her shoulder. "You're drunk." She threw back unkindly._

 _Barry looked at her pale face, the red eyes, the sick tinge around her mouth and he immediately felt stone cold sober. The sight of an ill Caitlin sent his protective instincts into overdrive. Her annoyed glare went green after a while, her mouth turned down and she dived back into the toilet bowl._

 _Barry did his best to ignore the smell of her vomit. The last thing he needed was to join her throwing up session and turn it into a puking contest. Barry concentrated on the smell of Caitlin's delicate, flower scented perfume instead. "Considering I'm the one holding your hair back while you throw up, it's best you don't throw accusations like that around."_

" _This isn't alcohol induced." Caitlin defended primly and Barry knew that she was right so he didn't argue the point further._

 _He carefully lifted her off her knees, for his sake as well as hers. Barry closed his eyes briefly to keep his surroundings from spinning and slowly led Caitlin to her bathroom sink. He opened the cold water and Caitlin splashed her face with it. He then reached for the towel hanging on the rail below her vanity mirror and handed it to her._

 _Before Caitlin could use the towel she nodded towards the running tap. Barry stood stubbornly still for a moment but when she narrowed her brown eyes at him and inclined her head in the direction of her basin, he gave in. Even when she was sick, Caitlin's bossy nature should not be taken lightly. Besides, Barry knew that the cold water would do his alcohol induced state some good. So Barry bent down and rinsed his face as well while Caitlin patted hers dry. When he was done she handed him the towel she had used and he quickly wiped off the water from his face._

 _He threw the towel untidily onto the countertop, instead of hanging it back neatly on the rail, willing to take the scolding from Caitlin later on so that he could go to her side quickly. She was wobbling towards her bed like an unsteady duckling._

" _Why are you so damn stubborn?" It was a rarity for Barry to be annoyed with Caitlin but it usually happened when she refused to admit that she needed help._

" _Barry, I don't need a babysitter. I'm fine. It's probably just something I ate that's making an appearance." Caitlin insisted, even though her voice sounded incredibly scratchy._

 _Barry rolled green eyes down at her as he tugged back her sheets. Caitlin sluggishly moved onto her bed and he tucked her in. "Funny, I clearly remember telling you the exact same thing when my dad died, but that didn't stop you from hovering around me twenty-four seven."_

" _I wasn't hovering." Caitlin corrected. When Barry tilted his head to the side to silently oppose her words with his contradicting expression, Caitlin sighed. "I was concerned." She whispered with a faint blush._

 _Barry smiled down at her, his irritation at her stubbornness vanishing just as fast as it had appeared. "Well, what do you think I'm being?" Barry reached for her hand and rubbed her knuckles. "I know how much you hate being sick, Cait but pretending that you aren't, won't make it go away."_

 _Caitlin's eyes shadowed for a second, as if she was thinking about more than just being sick. A soft sigh escaped her lips. "I guess I've gotten really good at it lately. Pretending, that is." Barry frowned at her choice of words. Then Caitlin smiled at him and the curiously intense moment passed. "But you're right. There's some Paracetamol and Imodium in my medicine cabinet. Would you mind getting it for me?"_

 _Barry took a moment to reply, feeling like he should have said something more concerning the context of their conversation, like ask her what she was pretending about, but decided to put it off for later. Caitlin was sick and she had just agreed to let him take care of her. Barry wanted to do just that before she changed her mind._

* * *

 **CISCO** was watching him. Barry could tell from the way his best friend kept giving him long looks, opening his mouth and then sighing, that Cisco wanted to say something desperately. Barry was certain he wanted to address his concerns about Caitlin moving back home, because even though he was just as happy as Barry was, Barry knew that Cisco's main concern had always been Caitlin.

"Okay, I gotta say this, man." Cisco finally gave up on fishing out ornaments from a box and stood up.

Barry slowly looked over at Cisco, trying his best to keep his expression blank. He wasn't going to let his best friend talk him out of this one but he did not want to make Cisco feel left out of the decision as well. Barry knew that Cisco's support would go a very long way into ensuring Caitlin's move back to Central City went smoothly.

After Caitlin had cried herself asleep in his arms the night he had visited her in Detroit, Barry had suggested she move back to Central City where she had friends who could take her mind of things. She had agreed. Caitlin had thought it was a good idea because everything in Detroit reminded her of Ronnie and it was harder for her to deal with her pain there.

When Barry had returned with the good news, Cisco had been thrilled, ecstatic even. Cisco had initiated a fist bump with him after a very long time and the hug that had followed had not been strained in the least. Then the burning questions of how Barry had managed such a feat had followed. Barry could tell from Cisco's reaction that he wasn't quite sure how to respond to the idea of Barry and Caitlin rebuilding their friendship again.

Barry was convinced that Cisco was going to express some of those concerns to him now. Caitlin had asked Barry to let her pack up in Detroit by herself. She told him that it was something she needed to do alone. Barry had agreed because it seemed like the right thing to do. Caitlin needed the time to say goodbye to Ronnie properly and Barry didn't want to intrude on that. So he had decided to come back to Caitlin's old apartment and set up all of the items she had kept in storage after she had left Central City. It wasn't her town house in Detroit, but Barry wanted her to feel safe and comforted when she returned. The circumstances weren't ideal, but he was happy that she was coming back home.

" … and that wasn't right, so I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry, Barry." Barry looked up at the sound of his name and realised that he hadn't been paying attention to Cisco even though he had been facing his friend. Cisco's dark eyebrows drew together. "You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?" Cisco concluded and Barry winced in apology, a hopeless shrug given.

Cisco sighed heavily, pushed his dark hair behind his ears and slumped into Caitlin's old couch. The pair of friends had taken off the protective plastic from the white piece of furniture and vacuumed it clean. It looked safe enough to sit on and so Barry plopped down next to Cisco.

"I'm sorry, Cisco. I've just been preoccupied." Barry apologised.

Cisco nodded before giving Barry a small smile in understanding. "I know and it's fine. I get it. I was just apologising, Barry. For the way I've been acting lately and for not being a good friend these last few years."

Barry frowned deeply at this. "Wait, what are you talking about?" Cisco's apology took him by surprise. It was not what Barry had been expecting.

Cisco's eyes narrowed slightly before he bowed his head. His right eye squinted, the way it always did when he was feeling ashamed. "I blamed you for Cait moving and I think I've carried that anger around all this time. I think it was worst after things went south with you and Iris."

Barry shook his head, unable to make sense of Cisco's apology. "You were there for me when Iris and I broke up, Cisco. I wouldn't have gotten through that time without you."

Cisco shook his head as well. "After the countless times you've helped me, I couldn't just stand by and watch you mope around. Besides, an angsty Barry is just draining to watch."

"Thanks." Barry's sarcasm was voiced in a monotone and with a deadpanned expression.

Cisco shrugged unapologetically before continuing. "Anyway, what I'm apologising for is for choosing sides after Caitlin left. I blamed you for the hole in our friendship and so I think that made it easier to justify my anger towards you. We've remained friends because we've been through too much together to be anything else, but I should have been there for you more. Not just after Iris. I should have been there for you after Caitlin too."

Barry felt his chest constrict. Of course he had suspected that Cisco had been harbouring some unfriendly feelings towards him in the aftermath of loss, but Barry had always valued their friendship too much to bring it up. He was, in fact, responsible for Caitlin leaving and if anyone understood Cisco's feelings when it came to her, it was him. They had both developed instinctual bonds with Caitlin that had strengthened over the course of a decade; it made sense that Cisco would be intensely affected by Caitlin's pain. Barry _had_ felt bitter to an extent after he had realised that Cisco had kept Caitlin's feelings for him a secret, but he wasn't the sort of person to hold onto grudges, so Barry decided that it was finally time to clear the air between them and call a truce.

"That hardly deserves an apology, Cisco. I blamed myself for Caitlin leaving too." Barry admitted.

Cisco shook his head. "No, don't take on all the flak. Let me have my share, especially since I talked you out of Ronnie's funeral."

Again Barry tilted his head to the side, considering Cisco's sincere words carefully. "You were right about that. My being there would have only made it harder on Caitlin. It was better that I waited."

Cisco shrugged. "It worked out well in the end, but the truth is, I didn't want you there because I didn't want Caitlin to see you and be reminded of another person she lost. Barry, look at it, you managed to help her grieve and decide to come back home after only one day with her, while her mother and I have failed to reach out to her for eight months now. I thought that seeing you after Ronnie's death would kill her, but I was wrong, it made her stronger."

Barry looked down for a moment. He understood Cisco's protectiveness over Caitlin. She had always inspired such emotions within them both because of how much of unconditional love and support she had given them over the years. Barry and Cisco always wanted to do whatever they could to make her happy and keep her away from anything or anyone that saddened her. Barry decided that it didn't matter that Cisco had blamed him or pushed him away recently because it hadn't been done out of malice. Cisco's only intention had been to safeguard Caitlin and Barry knew that if the roles had been reversed he would have done the same thing too.

Barry stood up and placed a hand on Cisco's shoulder. "We finally have a chance to get things back to the way they were, Cisco. Let's not waste anymore time beating ourselves up for the past. We have an apartment to set up." Cisco grinned up at him and when Barry offered him a hand, his friend accepted it. Barry pulled Cisco up off the couch.

"Do you think we should set up a little prank for when Caitlin gets back?" Cisco asked and Barry grinned down at his friend. Things were definitely going back to the way they used to be.

 **. . .**

It was strange to think that three months ago Barry had been overjoyed at Caitlin coming home. What he had believed to be a second chance for him, Caitlin and Cisco was proving to be a failed attempt at reliving the past. Maybe trying to recreate their history had been his first mistake, but he had been short sighted when he had been planning his best friend's return home and so all he could do now was make up for his poor judgement.

"Caitlin?" Cisco asked uncertainly as the doctor stood rooted to the spot.

Barry leapt forward after Caitlin's expression turned ghostly pale but when he saw Cisco approach her he decided to take a step back and wait it out. Barry didn't want Cisco to feel like he believed his friend to be incapable of reaching out to Caitlin.

When Cisco stepped in front of Caitlin she blinked owlishly before focusing in on him. "What?" She asked dazedly before her gaze went straight back to the flat screen television in Cisco's apartment.

Barry couldn't blame her. There was currently a striking man, with flaming hair smirking at her. His handsome face was the spitting image of her late husband Ronnie. Which had been Cisco's intention when creating the character called _Firestorm_ for the Flash video game as a tribute to the dead fireman. Barry had been in on the plan all along and had encouraged Cisco to continue with the development of _Firestorm_ , but he was starting to doubt that it had been a good idea now that Caitlin looked like she had literally just seen a ghost. Barry had also never seen Cisco look so insecure over one of his characters before and Barry wasn't quite sure who would need the most comforting after tonight.

"Look, it's just a prototype." Cisco told Caitlin. "I wanted to surprise you, but you're welcome to make any changes you feel necessary. Like I wasn't quite sure if I should have had _Firestorm_ in a more traditional looking fire-fighter uniform, but I remembered how much Ronnie had loved that leather jacket his father had given him – "

Cisco's ramblings were cut off when Caitlin turned abruptly on her heel and fled from his apartment. Barry winced as Cisco's eyes darkened with hurt. "It's not your fault, man." Barry held out a hand apologetically, but it was all he could manage right then. His feet were already moving backwards with the intention of pursuing Caitlin.

Cisco nodded, dumbfounded, but then shook his head as if to regain his bearings. "Yeah. Yeah, of course." He told Barry a little numbly. "Go." He made a half hearted shooing motion and Barry gave him one more rueful look before bolting out the door after Caitlin. He would come back to Cisco after he made sure Caitlin was all right.

Barry knew that she had left Cisco's apartment without her handbag, which was still lying on their friend's couch, and so she was definitely not going back to her car or her apartment. There was only one place she would venture to in her current state of emotional turmoil.

It didn't take him long to find her. She was sitting on top of the hill that had become their spot years ago, staring off into the distance. As usual she didn't acknowledge his presence when he stood next to her or when he sat down beside her.

"I wish I could say that this was solely Cisco's bright idea, but I knew about his latest character creation too and if it had gone down well with you, I'd probably be claiming half the credit for it." Barry tried to keep his tone light but Caitlin still wasn't looking at him. She stared off into distance instead. "I'm sorry, Cait. And so is Cisco." Barry told her softly.

The silence stretched on for more than a minute and Barry shifted uncomfortably on the ground. "I guess we didn't consider that it might be insensitive to go ahead with something like that without asking for your permission first, but we know how much the Flash means to you as well and we just wanted Ronnie to be a part of that. A part of our family." The silence reverberated against Barry's eardrums and when he could take it no longer he decided that words were clearly being ineffective. "Cait?" Barry asked, reaching for her. Caitlin jumped up and Barry frowned, feeling concern alight his every sense into action. Barry stood quickly too. "Caitlin, what's wrong?" He turned to face her.

"What's wrong?" She mimicked at a high decibel. Caitlin threw her hands up in the air. "Everything! Everything is wrong, Barry. Ronnie has only been dead for eleven months now and what am I doing?" Caitlin spat. "I'm back in Central City, working at S.T.A.R Labs again. You bring me coffee every morning and Cisco stops by for lunch daily. I'm living in the same damn apartment I did four years ago. I don't know why I didn't just sell that stupid place. Oh, that's right, memories. I couldn't let go of all the memories." Caitlin was babbling furiously and Barry knew better than to stop her from doing so. She had clearly been holding onto her rage for a while now and it was better for her to get it off her chest.

"Ronnie is gone and I'm here, back in my old life. I'm sitting in our spot, talking to you, Barry. I look at you and I can't remember there ever being a time when I didn't love you and I hate that. I hate that I'm pretending that Ronnie never happened, that I wasn't married. He was important to me. I loved him. I did." Caitlin yelled out as if she was trying to convince Barry and he understood then why she was so torn apart over the creation of _Firestorm_. Once again, Barry had made Ronnie's death real for Caitlin.

Caitlin was angry, her eyes were blazing, but her guilt was overwhelming. Barry winced. This was a tough one. His heart beat had accelerated when she had admitted her feelings for him, but he knew that those emotions were also the main reason for her guilt. She was feeling unfaithful to the memory of Ronnie.

"You're right. You shouldn't have just stepped into your old routine when you came back to Central City. And that was my fault. I set up your old apartment for you. I spoke to Dr Wells to ask for your previous job back. It was me who tried to act as if nothing had changed since you left and so right now you're most angry with me." Barry tried to take the rage away from her. Caitlin was one of the most selfless people he knew and she didn't deserve that sort of blame piled onto her.

Caitlin pressed her fingers into her temples and scrunched her eyes shut tightly. "No, that came out wrong. I didn't mean it like that."

"No." Barry interjected. "It's okay. I get it. You can be angry at me Caitlin, but you have no right to be angry at yourself." Barry told her with conviction and her head flew up, brown eyes clashing with his in surprise. Barry offered her a small but knowing smile. "It's so unfair how much of loss has surrounded you, Caitlin and I get that you feel like you're being unfaithful to Ronnie's memory, but how do you be faithful to a memory, Caitlin? Do you punish yourself because he died and you're still alive? Do you live a life of mourning, feeling guilty every time something makes you happy because Ronnie will never get to experience life again? Because if that what it entails then I won't let you do it."

Barry took a step closer towards Caitlin. He watched as she pressed her lips together before looking at him with wide, wounded brown eyes. He knew it wasn't the right moment to reach for her though, she was still as skittish as a frightened horse and so he clenched his fists at his side. Barry looked intensely at her though, stared straight into her eyes with conviction.

"Ronnie was a hero, Caitlin." Barry began but Caitlin interrupted him.

"I didn't want him to be a hero. I wanted him to be my husband." She told Barry determinedly.

"So what you're saying is that he shouldn't have done his job, that he shouldn't have went back for all those women and children trapped in that fire because he was your husband and should have came back safely to you?" Barry knew he was taking a page out of Oliver's book but this was one of those rare times when Caitlin needed some tough love. He was also a little angry with her for feeling guilty for moving on.

"No." Caitlin denied swiftly. She shook her brown head fiercely. "No, of course not. You know that's not what I meant." She sounded hurt now and Barry was happy to find her anger fading.

"Ronnie died a martyr, so what? You want to go down the same way too? It doesn't work like that, Caitlin. This is real life, bad things happen to good people, worse things happen to the best of people, but we've been there for each other every single time something terrible has happened and that won't change. You and I, we've been through too much together to let each other down now. We're family. We protect each other, till the end. I won't let you give up on yourself."

Barry took another step closer. He was near enough to smell her, to see the hazel flecks in her brown eyes. She exhaled and he felt her breath fan his face. Barry leaned in closer still, his eyes never leaving hers. Barry hadn't planned on their proximity. He was unnaturally drawn to her. He watched as her gaze darkened and his head lowered a fraction more. Caitlin moved. It wasn't towards him though. She ran away from him.

Barry straightened, spinning around to see Caitlin talking off down the hill. She was running away from him. Barry cursed before he instinctively took off after her. "Caitlin!" He called out, screamed out, but she pretended not to hear him.

Caitlin ran as if the hellhounds of Hades were after her. She didn't pause to take in her surroundings. She did not stop to catch her breath or slow down to avoid overhanging tree branches. Caitlin had led Barry into the middle of a dense forest now, the moonlight a poor reflection for her path and Barry realised that she was unseeing as she ran. She was not searching for a destination, but merely looking for an escape.

Barry lowered his frame and he fuelled his legs to go faster. Once he was running at full speed it wasn't that difficult to catch up to Caitlin. He reached out and made a mad grab for her. Catching onto her upper arm he dug his heels into the ground to come to a complete stop. The momentum of both their abrupt stops made her crash into his chest.

Barry fumbled as he tried to regain his footing. He was still holding onto Caitlin, who had turned around to face him and was now gripping the fronts of his shirt as she too tried to keep from toppling over. Amidst their heavy breathing they finally managed to stand still and remain steady.

"You gotta stop running, Cait." Barry panted out. His throat burned. He bent his head to try and catch his breath and Caitlin mirrored the action. Their foreheads touched and Barry took comfort from the contact. He closed his eyes for a moment.

When Barry opened them again he noticed that Caitlin was no longer looking upset or sad. There was a distinct fire burning brightly in her brown gaze. She looked determined then. Caitlin stared into his eyes and Barry could tell that she was waiting for him to say more. Her eyes were wide but devoid of tears and he knew it was a sign of the emerging strength buried within Caitlin.

"You left Detroit when your dad died. You ran from Central City because of me and even though I suggested you move back here, you only did it to get away from Ronnie's death. Caitlin, you can't destroy the pain by running away from it, you have to face it head on or it'll ruin you." Barry believed that Caitlin was the strongest person he knew.

She had overcome trials and tribulations with a strength and grace that could put even him to shame. She may be scarred and a little rough around the edges, she may shake a little now and then, but when she gave up on pretending that she was okay, when she stopped running and stood to face obstacles head on, she was incredible. Caitlin was more than the brokenness she liked to think she was made up of.

There was a long silence in which they both steadied their breathing. "Barry." Caitlin huffed and Barry moved his head back, focusing in on her to show she had his attention. "You're going to fracture my bones if you keep holding on to me so tightly."

Barry frowned and when he looked down he realised that his fingers were gripping Caitlin's arms so tightly that his nails were white. "Oh, shit. Cait, I'm so sorry." Barry immediately let go of her and took a step back.

Then she laughed. It was a sound he hadn't heard in years. It was loud and sounded somewhat rusty, and while there was nothing joyful about it, it wasn't sad either. It sounded like relief and release and Barry could only stare at her for a moment, taking in her relaxed features and the way she leaned her head back slightly when she laughed. Then Barry joined her. Eventually Caitlin sank into the ground as her laughter subsided and Barry could tell that she was tired. Caitlin was exhausted from her run but completely rundown from all the emotions she had been eclipsing within herself.

Barry slowly sat down beside her and he felt his heart start to speed up again when she casually put her head on his shoulder. It was so natural, as if she hadn't thought about the action at all, that it felt completely right to Barry. Barry knew that Caitlin was leaning on him out of pure habit. It was instinctual and the only reason he was feeling its potency was because he hadn't felt her open affection for him in a very long time.

Barry's content sigh mingled with Caitlin's. "I've lost a lot, but what I've gained along the way, that's worth fighting for."

Barry took a moment to respond, staring out into the expanse of the forest they had wondered into. He lowered his head to look at Caitlin and felt a rush of excitement race down his spine when she turned her face up to him to offer him a fond smile. Acting on pure instinct, Barry bent his head and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. Caitlin did not wince at the notion, neither did she move away from him, instead she snuggled closer into him and her eyes closed in clear contentment. Barry firmly wrapped an arm around her.

"You thought me a long time ago that we don't have to do it alone and I want you to remember that as well. I'll always fight for you until you find the strength to do it for yourself."


	8. Chapter 8

**Say You Won't Let Go**

 _ **Chapter Eight**_

 _It had taken a few months after Caitlin's "fight-or-flight incident" (as Barry liked to think of it) on their hilltop for her sadness to begin diminishing. Caitlin had not been able to reset her life in Central City from the way it used to be, so she had chosen to adapt her lifestyle instead. The small changes had made significant improvements to her well being._

 _She no longer appeared drained in the mornings, as if she had spent the entire night crying herself to sleep over the memory of Ronnie. Her eyelids did not look red and puffy nowadays. In fact, Caitlin's eyes were back to their normal sparkling shade of bright brown and the best part of her healing was her smile. Her laughter was no longer forced or strained, as if nothing in the world could give her joy anymore, and it was evident to those closest to her that she was slowly overcoming the guilt she felt for being happy while Ronnie was dead._

 _So Barry took advantage of making Caitlin smile. He had made it his personal mission to amuse her as often as possible just so he could see her face light up or her eyes brighten. He took pleasure in being able to chase away any remaining frowns that lingered on her fair skin. It was a simple gesture, yet the sound of her husky laughter always made Barry feel exhilarated, as if he had just saved the city from impending doom. It was intoxicating._

 _It was also clear that Cisco felt the same way about Caitlin's happiness because he too went out of his way to crack more jokes in her presence. Generally Cisco's humour was laid back but Barry knew that he was actually making an effort in recent times all for the sake of Caitlin's smile._

 _However the most important sign that Caitlin had finally learned to let go of her late husband, was shown to Barry the day he had stopped by her apartment to have dinner with her. Caitlin was busy heating up the gravy she had prepared over the stove much to Barry's confusion._

" _You know, you could just use the microwave for that." He threw over his shoulder before he reached above his head for her dinner plates to set at the breakfast counter._

 _The brunette turned her attention away from her task and onto Barry. "If I don't stir the gravy continuously while it's being reheated, then it will get lumpy." Caitlin told him simply but Barry knew better than to argue with her. Caitlin was a foodie and she enjoyed cooking simply because she loved eating._

 _Giving her a suit-yourself shrug in return Barry went to set up the cutlery and crockery for their intimate meal together when he heard Caitlin make a sound that was caught between a gasp of shock, a grunt of frustration and a cry of pain. Barry instinctively went over to Caitlin as she shook her hand in the air._

" _Caitlin?" He asked concernedly and she shut her eyes tightly for a moment before looking at him with a self depreciating smile._

" _It's nothing." She told him while vigorously shaking her wrist back and forth as if she were practicing jazz hands, only sideways._

 _Barry raised disbelieving eyebrows at her. "If it was nothing then you wouldn't be gritting your teeth or waving your hand around like a maniac."_

 _Being the sort of rebellious girl that she was underneath all her bravado, Caitlin immediately stopped waving her hand and offered him a false smile which wasn't very convincing for Barry who knew her well enough. The doctor then stubbornly tucked her arm behind her back and went over to the stove to remove the saucepan with her uninjured hand. Barry could tell from the redness around her fingers that she had probably burned herself while heating the gravy but paying him attention._

 _Rolling green eyes at her stubbornness but smiling regardless of her obstinate nature, Barry went over to her freezer and pulled out a bag of peas from it. He wandered over to Caitlin and took her hand from behind her. She reluctantly turned around to face him and Barry gently placed her fingers on the frozen bag of peas he was holding._

" _Better?" He asked as a small sigh escaped her full lips._

 _Her only answer was an eager nod and her brown eyes shining brightly up at him with gratitude. Barry chucked softly. He continued to hold on to her hand as her fingers scrunched the icy bag of peas in search of relief. As Barry rubbed her knuckles in a familiar gesture of comfort while examining her red fingers, he noticed that something was missing._

 _Her wedding ring was gone._

 _With surprise, Barry's thumb involuntarily went to her ring finger on her left hand. He rubbed the pad of his thumb in small circles on the skin where her wedding band used to sit. When he felt Caitlin's head jerk up and her small hand about to pull back from his hold, Barry held on tighter._

 _He slowly raised his head to look at her, his expression deliberately blank. She bit her bottom lip before offering him a timid smile. However, it was the look in her eyes, which were staring straight at him, clear and concise, that made Barry realise that Caitlin was okay. She really was okay. And in that moment he didn't need to know why or what, how and when, he was just happy to have her back._

" _Much better." Caitlin finally voiced and Barry knew that Caitlin wasn't talking about her burnt fingers alone._

 _He felt his heart rate spike up at her words, electricity jolting through his veins making the hand holding onto Caitlin's tingle. Barry swallowed back the thick emotions gathering in his throat before grinning down at her. His voice was hoarse as he spoke though._

" _Good." He cleared his throat while looking down at her hands, shifting from one foot to the other and rolling back his shoulders. "We should get to that gravy then. Before the lumps start to settle in that is."_

 _For a small minute Barry thought that Caitlin's eyes shadowed with disappointment but then she laughed softly before nodding her head and pulling her hand away from his tender grasp. "Good idea."_

* * *

 **"IRIS?"** Caitlin breathed out in surprise as the attractive journalist walked into her office on beautiful designer heels and a smart business suit.

"Hi." Iris said neutrally, although Caitlin could sense a small amount of uncertainty in the other woman's voice. No doubt Iris was unsure of how she would be received.

"This is a pleasant surprise." Caitlin said truthfully. "I was told that a …" Caitlin trailed off as she fingered the page on the diary lying open upon her table to recollect the journalist's name. "… a Mason Bridge would be interviewing me today."

Iris shrugged her poised shoulders. "He had a break on one of his other stories and asked me to cover for him." The journalist told the doctor easily. "May I?" Iris gestured towards the empty chair opposite of Caitlin's.

Caitlin couldn't help but think that it was the very same chair Barry frequently used whenever he visited her. Caitlin did her best to suppress an ironic laugh before nodding her head professionally. This was a business call after all. Right?

"Of course." The brunette said simply, straightening her skirt self consciously and then sitting down as well.

There was a moment of awkward silence where Iris set up her recorder and then opened up a file that she had carried with her. Dr Wells had insisted that Caitlin, for all her scientific knowledge and ability to be guarded and evasive, be the one to field the questions Central City Picture News was dying to ask. Dr Wells had already held a press conference on the development of the particle accelerator, yet it seemed that the city's local newspaper house was still sceptical about the eccentric doctor's latest project. After they had pestered him for months on end for a one-on-one interview he had told Caitlin that he had refused to do so, but had compromised with them in return for their promise to wait for the next press conference like every other media place.

Caitlin hated being in the spot light, especially when journalists were involved, but no one said no to Dr Wells. Her boss had really left her with no choice and Caitlin felt somewhat indebted to him for giving her her old job back without question and then bearing with her through her state of depression as she worked past her grief the last year.

The clearing of Iris' throat brought the doctor out of her reverie. Caitlin studied Iris closely as the woman finally looked up at her. Dark eyes narrowed for a second before Iris inhaled deeply.

"Okay, I confess, when I heard that you were the one being interviewed today I convinced my colleague to trade stories with me." Iris looked apologetic and Caitlin was taken aback by the ready confession.

"Why?" She asked simply although Caitlin was not naïve. She had an inkling of exactly why Iris was curious to see her now that she was back in Central City again. Barry had told Caitlin that it had been Iris who had ultimately severed their relationship, but could Barry's former fiancée be having second thoughts about the break up?

As if reading Caitlin's slight nuances Iris sat forward and waved her hands quickly in front of Caitlin's face. "No, no, it's not like that." Iris denied and Caitlin frowned because there was no way a woman she had met only a handful of times could understand her personal thought processes so effortlessly. Iris gave her a rueful smile. "Look, Caitlin, I was just curious to see you ever since I heard you were back. It has nothing to do with Barry." As if rethinking her words, Iris amended her statement. "Well, it has nothing to do with Barry and _me_ because that's history."

Caitlin's frown only deepened. She was sure that this line of conversation was not what Central City Picture News had in mind for an article about S.T.A.R Labs. "You didn't have to orchestrate an interview for your newspaper to meet me, Iris. I would have willingly agreed to have coffee or lunch with you if you had asked." Caitlin told the journalist seriously, trying a different angle when she wasn't sure how to reply to Iris wanting to see her.

Iris' smile was full and pretty this time, her neat teeth white as she spoke. "I'm relieved you feel that way. Actually though, it's the first time in a while that I've been back home for more than a few days now. And honestly, when I mentioned getting together with you, and Cisco of course … well, let's just say that Barry was still in overprotective mode to let me anywhere near you."

Caitlin gave a small wince over Barry's protectiveness. Also, she had not been aware that Barry and Iris had spoken about her, but with this knowledge she was pleasantly surprised to learn that the two really had managed to become good friends regardless of their failed engagement. Caitlin knew this because Barry would not discuss her with just anyone. Maybe Barry and Iris really had moved on from each other after all.

"I didn't know." Caitlin apologised. "Barry does tend to take his hero complex overboard sometimes."

Iris laughed softly, the sound melodious and Caitlin felt ashamed at how this beautiful woman had once conjured up such uncharacteristic feelings of jealousy inside of her. Caitlin had always been conflicted over how to feel about Iris. Caitlin could never hate her because Iris was a good person, but it had always been difficult to like her when she was engaged to the man Caitlin loved.

"I think it was warranted this time. I'm sorry for your loss." Iris told her genuinely and Caitlin nodded.

"Thanks. It was a difficult time, but I've managed since then." Caitlin accepted before offering Iris a small smile which the other woman returned sincerely.

"I know we've had a strange sort of relationship when Barry and I were together, Caitlin, but I was hoping that that could change. In all honesty, there's been something that's been eating at me ever since I heard you came back to Central City." Iris lowered her dark eyelids coyly and Caitlin felt herself frowning as she studied the journalist.

"What about?" Caitlin probed gently.

The other woman looked up before grimacing slightly. "I feel guilty for holding on to Barry after you left. His feelings for you were there then, they had all come to the surface, plain for him and everyone else to see, but of course Barry had done the noble thing and insisted we stay together because we were engaged." Iris recounted.

Caitlin chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. "But, Iris, Cisco mentioned that you told Barry to come after me."

Iris nodded sadly. "I did, because I felt obligated to do so, because I knew deep down that it was the right thing to do. However, I was selfish in my love for Barry, Caitlin. I didn't really try my best to convince him to examine his feelings because the thought of him leaving me was devastating." Iris admitted ashamedly. "I think I knew that I wasn't really fooling anyone though, that's why I suggested we hold of on getting married. And I was right, of course." Iris gave a solemn laugh that spoke volumes to Caitlin.

Caitlin swallowed. She understood what it must have felt like for Iris to be faced with the possibility of losing Barry. Caitlin understood that type of pain all too well and she did not blame Iris in the least for wanting to hold on to Barry, for daring to hope that they could have made their engagement last.

"Hey." Caitlin said tenderly, reaching over to cover Iris' hand with her own. It was strange to think that a gesture which she always performed to comfort Barry with was now being used on his ex fiancée. "It's okay. You're only human after all. Besides, you were brave when you let go. That shows true love, Iris."

Iris turned her hand over and squeezed Caitlin's. "No, true love is having the courage to walk away from someone you love for the sake of someone _they_ love."

Caitlin's cheeks turned a bright shade of pink and she felt her eyes blur slightly. Caitlin wasn't quite sure why she was feeling teary but somehow Iris' admissions and acknowledgement of what Caitlin had sacrificed touched her more than anything anyone could have ever said to her when it came to Barry.

"Oh no, you're going to make me cry." Caitlin took her hand back to place her fingers under her lower lids. She lifted her head up to control her emotions from spilling over. Iris chuckled again and Caitlin found herself smiling gratefully down at the other woman.

"I'm sorry I was confused over how to feel about you before, Iris. I can see now that I made a grave error in judgement. You're an amazing friend, not just to Barry, but to me as well." Caitlin told the other woman earnestly.

Iris grinned broadly at Caitlin. "Now that that's out of the way, as a _friend_ , why aren't you and that dork together as yet?"

Caitlin's eyes widened before her cheeks pinkened yet again. She awkwardly cleared her throat before replying. "Well, it hasn't been that long since Ronnie died – "

"Oh come on, Caitlin." Iris interrupted lightly. "Don't give me that. It's been almost two years now and you aren't wearing your wedding ring any longer. If you were, I would be using a more tactful and sensitive approach but it's clear that I don't need to. Both you and Barry are still single and spend more time together than is healthy if either of you plan on seeing _other_ people."

Caitlin bit down hard on her bottom lip while contemplating Iris' words. "You really don't beat around the bush do you?" Caitlin was at a lack of what else to say to the domineering woman.

Iris shrugged before offering the doctor a slightly smug smile. "I'm a journalist."

Seeing a loop hole Caitlin quickly took it. "Speaking of which, don't you have questions about the _particle accelerator_ to ask me?"

Iris however was not to be deterred. "Don't give me that." The journalist wagged a finger at Caitlin. "I know for a fact that Barry's madly in love with you and after seeing you today, I can tell that your feelings for him haven't changed either, so what's the problem?" Caitlin sighed softly and as if that was answer enough Iris spoke again. "Ah, so you're both too afraid to make the first move. Of course."

Iris hit her head with the palm of hand before smiling fondly at Caitlin.

It was strange to think but Iris was almost a mixture of Barry and Cisco with a touch of her own personality that made her unique. Caitlin found the thought comforting and could now understand why it had been so easy for Iris to read her emotions so clearly.

"I just don't get it." Caitlin felt like she could finally admit to someone about what had been troubling her in recent times. "He knows how I feel about him. I _think_ he feels the same way about me, but it's like he's holding himself back, you know. Is he uncertain about his feelings for me or am I simply being delusional? And I don't want to ask him about it because I'm afraid that I might be interpreting the situation wrong. I mean, I don't think I am, but the pain from the last time is still – "

"Whoa, easy there girl." Iris raised both her hands to halt Caitlin's rambling. The doctor smiled apologetically at her.

"Sorry, it's been on my mind for a while now." Caitlin admitted almost shyly.

There wasn't anyone Caitlin could speak to about her feelings for Barry, about her doubts and insecurities when it came to him. Even if her mother was making more of an effort to build a relationship between them in recent times, it didn't make them _close_. Caitlin did not feel comfortable talking to Cisco or Felicity – the only other two people who knew both her and Barry well enough and whom she could open up to – about her inner turmoil because she did not want to place them in between Barry and her yet again.

Iris nodded in understanding. "I can imagine. Listen, Caitlin, this may sound weird coming from me, but you and Barry need to stop tiptoeing around each other, for whatever the reasons may be. Put your friendship aside for a moment, because right now the fear that you may lose each other completely over a failed relationship is holding you two back from being together. And that's something that you both really want, I know that. Who knows, maybe you two aren't really right for one another, maybe the love that has built up between you guys isn't romantic in the least and has just become convoluted by how much you guys have been through and how much you mean to each other. You won't really know unless you try though, but this state of not knowing isn't doing either of you any good. It's holding you both back from moving forward, whether it's together or separately. Honestly though, you know that you and Barry can't keep doing what you're doing now, because it's going to tear your friendship apart in the end."

"That's reassuring." Caitlin muttered sarcastically over Iris saying that she and Barry may not be good for one another.

Maybe her displeasure was a reflex reaction for Caitlin. Maybe the truth about the situation coming from Iris, Barry's former fiancée, stung so painfully that Caitlin immediately became defensive. Yet Iris had done something that no one else had wanted to do; she had dished out the cold, hard truth. And Caitlin knew that it was time to suck it up and do something about her complicated relationship with Barry, because Iris was right, she couldn't go on living in limbo with Barry forever.

Iris shrugged unapologetically. "It's the truth. You both are adults, start acting like it. Barry is hopeless when it comes to the fairer sex, Caitlin. It took him years to admit how he felt about me and by then I had already been in love with someone else. It took him a decade to figure out there was more to his feelings for you than friendship and by then you had already left the city and married someone else. Maybe it's time to stop waiting for Barry, Caitlin. I know you've gotten used to him being there for you in every time of need, even when you didn't have to explain things to him, but when it comes to matters of the heart, Barry's not very well equipped at dealing with his own feelings."

Caitlin couldn't help it; she smiled fondly at this assessment of Barry. She knew that Iris was right. Caitlin was about to tell her that when the other woman's mobile rang. Iris gave a small groan as she glared at the phone as if it had offended her. She looked to Caitlin in askance who nodded easily for her to take the call.

"Mr Evans?" Iris said professionally. "Yes, sir. I'm almost done." From the look Caitlin got she could tell that Iris was lying over the interview she was supposed to be conducting with her. Caitlin tilted her head and raised an eyebrow at Iris but the journalist only shrugged shamelessly. "Of course, sir. I'll be right there." Iris could be heard saying before ending the call. "Ugh, you would think dating the boss would have its perks, but he's harder on me because we're sleeping together." Iris said candidly and Caitlin's brown eyes widened.

"I'm happy for you?" She pressed her lips together and frowned, lifting her shoulders up uncertainly.

Iris grinned before standing up. "You should be." Iris said seriously. "I'm dating a tall, dark and handsome man while you're going home to a lonely bed every night pining over Barry." Iris made a face. "Gosh Caitlin, this is the twenty first century and you are not some fictional maiden stuck in a tragic romance novel."

Caitlin stood as Iris gathered her hand bag and folders. "Hey, I'll have you know I am a far cry from the damsel in distress type." The doctor crossed her arms over her chest.

"Good." Iris said before coming over and hugging Caitlin tightly. The affectionate gesture took her by surprise but Caitlin found herself relaxing in Iris' hold and returning the embrace. "Now prove it." The dark haired beauty challenged with an arched eyebrow before giving Caitlin one last parting smile.

Caitlin found herself chuckling as Iris made to leave, the other woman's easy going nature was infectious, before she spotted something on her desk. "Hey, Iris, you forget this." Caitlin quickly made to catch up with the departing journalist, recorder in hand.

"Shit. Thanks." Iris said gratefully, taking the recorder from Caitlin and clutching it to her chest.

"Although, I doubt your editor slash boyfriend would be interested in anything you've recorded the last hour." Caitlin teased.

Iris grimaced before her demeanour brightened. "Well, a new story just broke so I doubt he'll be too concerned about the _debauchery_ going on in S.T.A.R Labs." Iris rolled her eyes dramatically to show that she thought the interview was a waste of time, something for which Caitlin was grateful for. S.T.A.R Labs' morality was in no way questionable when it came to their experiments. "Just to be on the safe side though, I'm going to email you the questions we had planned on asking and you can answer the ones you like." The journalist winked conspiratorially at her.

Caitlin shook her head at the other woman's antics but she felt a genuine jolt of affection for Iris in that moment. "Sure, what are friends for after all?"

 **. . .**

The disappointment that assaulted Barry when he found that Caitlin was not sitting perched atop his desk, reading one of his case files that she shouldn't be looking through while she sipped her coffee, was not unexpected. For the past few months he had become accustomed to the enticing and all too welcoming sight of the beautiful doctor framed against the backdrop of sunlight from his office window.

While Caitlin had not had the heart to quit her job at S.T.A.R Labs or move out from her old apartment, her fading guilt and sorrow over Ronnie's death had seen her change some of her daily routines. Now, instead of Barry taking her a morning cup of coffee everyday, she could normally be found in his office having a chat with him or waiting for him when he was away on a case.

Caitlin also went down to Central City's branch of Palmer Technologies to join Cisco for lunch every so often. Sometimes the three friends ventured out to sample foods or sit at their city's park, content to spend time together just for a chat or good laugh. For Barry his life had never felt more complete than it did in those moments, when he and Caitlin could lean into each other again and chortle while Cisco did a demonstration of Captain Singh reprimanding Barry for being late yet again or of Oliver's reaction when Felicity asked him to change their son's diaper.

Yet the sudden attack of jealousy that slammed straight into Barry's gut made him feel off kilter today. Caitlin was standing in front of Julian's desk, laughing brightly over something the other man must have said. Julian was watching Caitlin with a rare sort of fascination that his impassive colleague only reserved for intriguing cases. Somehow it irked Barry in a way he wasn't quite familiar with.

Barry adjusted his shoulders which had unknowingly slumped at the cosy sight Caitlin and Julian presented before walking into his office with a morning greeting that sounded a bit too cheery, even for Barry. Julian gave his usual grunt in response and Caitlin turned around to face him with a wide smile that Barry, even in his slightly uneasy state, couldn't help but respond to. He made his way to his desk, casually rearranging papers when his ears perked up at Julian's voice.

"So, I'll see you at seven then?" Julian asked in his pompous British accent.

Barry's eyeballs roved upwards as he tried to look over at Julian and Caitlin without lifting his head. He noticed Caitlin nod in agreement. "Sure." She said sweetly and Barry quickly averted his eyes when Julian gave her a pleased half smile before standing up.

The other forensic scientist grabbed his brown briefcase and a cup from Jitters which he raised at Caitlin. "Thanks for the coffee."

Barry looked up then, feeling something akin to a growl bubble in his throat. He wasn't normally familiar with such uncharacteristic behaviour but he knew that if he looked deeper he would find such reactions were stemming from the jealousy he felt over Caitlin going on a date. When the woman in question made her way towards his desk, evident by the clicking of her heels Barry glared at her.

"Did he just leave with _my_ coffee?" Barry had meant his question to sound playful, but even to his own ears his mock affront sounded too close to jealous anger for his liking.

If Caitlin noticed this she did not comment on it or react to his emotions either, even though from the narrowing of her bright brown eyes it was clear to Barry that she had picked up on his irregular tone of annoyance.

"He made some smart comment about how he always has to smell coffee in this office and I felt bad." Caitlin shrugged. Barry simply nodded and pursed his lips in a way that clearly said, _"of course you did"_. He sat down and Caitlin followed suit, sitting on the edge of his desk.

Barry had never been the type of man who had objectified women. It wasn't in his nature to do so. Yet he found the way Caitlin's figure hugging pencil skirts rode up her creamy thighs distracting. He enjoyed the way her rose scented perfume wafted towards his nose every time she shifted to tidy up a stack of loose papers on his desk or reach for a pen to scribble something down for the case she had been reading through. His intimate observations were due to the fact that Barry was finally looking past the boundary of friendship and viewing Caitlin with attraction. It was a heady sense. The feeling felt new and exciting yet vaguely familiar at the same time. It was as if he had always known these feelings but never paid it any attention before.

"Anyway," Caitlin's voice filtered through his thoughts and Barry looked up, without realising that he had been staring at her as he sat back in his chair, his thumb under his chin, index finger vertically placed on his cheek and the middle one sitting on his lips. "I thought we could share, since we always end up doing so."

She offered him her cup with a pretty smile and Barry reached for it. "That's because yours is mostly finished before you get here and you help yourself to mine." Barry teased.

"Semantics." She told him with a haughty tilt of her button nose and Barry grinned at her. She did the same before getting off his desk.

Disappointment flowed through his veins at her quick departure because he had only spent all of five minutes with her today. Barry was used to Caitlin leaving soon after he returned, if she had been waiting for him while he was away, but this time, coupled with jealousy, he felt its effects tenfold.

"So, you have a date with Julian tonight?" Barry was grateful that his voice sounded only curious and not unhappy about the thought.

He took a causal sip from Caitlin's coffee, watching her carefully over the rim of the cup. When he set the drink down he absentmindedly found Caitlin's lipstick imprint on the side. It was an involuntary habit of his to finger the red mark with his thumb.

Caitlin was watching him with equal caution. "It isn't tonight and neither is it a date." She told him flatly, yet there was something almost hurt in her voice that Barry couldn't understand. Was she still feeling guilty at moving on because of Ronnie?

Barry may not like the idea of Caitlin going out on a date with Julian, or any guy that wasn't him for that matter, now that he was aware of his feelings for her, but if this was what she wanted then he would support her all the way.

"Cait, I know that you've been grieving and the furthest thing from your mind has been dating, not when your husband died, but it's been almost two years now." Barry stared straight at Caitlin before his green gaze fell upon her left hand. "I've also noticed that you're not wearing your wedding ring any longer."

He saw Caitlin's fingers twitch before her hand dropped to her side, clenching into a fist. "It's not a date." She said again, this time her voice sounded slightly angry and Barry felt a sense of foreboding creep up his spine.

Had he said something wrong? Why was he having such a difficult time reading Caitlin in recent times? He normally knew her telltale sings and quirks easily, but recently it felt like she was intentionally being extra guarded around him. Were his own emotions on the situation clouding his judgement? Did his support sound insincere to her? That could be it. Hell, his very own ears didn't believe what his mouth was saying when he encouraged her to go out on a date with Julian. However she was his best friend and he would support her decisions no matter how unhappy they made him, just as she had done for him.

"Look, Caitlin, I know better than anyone – " Barry was rudely interrupted by his best friend.

"No, Barry, you don't know." She said coldly. Her brown eyes flashed icily at him and Barry felt his insides clench discontentedly at her anger. "Julian has been taking night classes at CCU and one of his professors there is Martin Stein. We got to talking about it and when Julian learned that not only was I in Stein's class, but aced the subject as well, he asked if I would offer him some advice on a paper he's writing."

The relief that washed over Barry was voiced on a sigh. "Oh." Barry knew it was the wrong thing to say when Caitlin's eyes narrowed to dangerous slits. He grimaced slightly. Her sudden burst of anger was disconcerting when he was oblivious to its cause.

"I'm not doing this with you again, Barry." Caitlin said sharply and Barry raised his eyebrows innocently at her.

He stood up immediately; feeling as though he was standing on the edge of a crumbling mountain and one wrong move would see him plummeting to his untimely and gruesome death. "Caitlin, I – "

Again he was interrupted before he could finish his sentence. "No, hear me out first." Caitlin raised a palm before taking in a deep breath. "If this is you trying to be supportive of me dating other people because you think it's something that I want or because it's what I did for you, then don't, Barry, because that's not friendship, that's cruelty."

Barry's eyes widened at the insinuation. While Caitlin was right about his intentions, because he was trying to be her friend, if she was suggesting his cruelty was directed at her then he would need to set her straight. Caitlin knew him better than most people did, couldn't she see that the punishment was meant for him, that he deserved it for what he had put her through.

"If you think that you need to do this for me then you're wrong. If you believe that your chivalry will only hurt you then you really don't understand how I feel about you. Look again, Barry. Do something that you haven't done with me before. See _me_ , Barry." Caitlin's voice was no longer angry but sounded almost pleading and Barry swallowed passed the lump that was forming in his throat.

"Caitlin, that's all I've been doing since you came back." He told her earnestly, praying she heard the sincerity of his words.

Barry wanted to go to her, walk around his desk and grab a hold of her arms and shake her so that she could see that he was holding back only because he didn't want to hurt her again. However he knew that he needed to hear her out first. That he needed to give Caitlin the space to express herself properly.

"If you have, Barry, then we wouldn't be hear right now, standing on opposite sides of a desk while you encourage me to date someone else. Barry, there's a reason I've always turned to you for comfort. Why I keep coming back here when everything else in my life falls apart. It's because I've always loved you, Barry. I've loved you when I didn't know it myself, when you didn't love me, even when we were apart from each other, I've loved you. Ronnie earned those feelings from me because he was kind and compassionate and he saved people for a living. I fell in love with him because he reminded me of you. He made me laugh, he understood me. And even though he knew that there was a part of me that would always belong to someone else, he didn't mind. He didn't mind because I was there, with him. He told me he loved me more for my ability to care so deeply, not in spite of it." Caitlin took a deep breath as she looked past Barry and to the window behind him as if recalling her past.

Barry was speechless. Her words were still tumbling around in his head and he was having a difficult time processing them, let alone finding a response to her confessions. They were raw and honest and sliced straight through the doubts and uncertainties that had secretly plagued him when it came to her marriage to Ronnie. Her admission of her love for _him_ though was something that was completely indescribable for Barry. Caitlin's brown eyes found his again and this time they weren't sad or angry any longer, but slightly more resolute, as if she had been waiting a long time for this.

"You've known how I feel about you for a long while now, Barry. I couldn't blame you for not doing anything about it when you didn't know. I could understand when you didn't come for me even after you did figure it out because of the timing. I will even praise you for the patience you've shown me this past year while I grieved for Ronnie. The respect you've always given me, the care you've always showered me with, Barry, it's all the reasons I love you unconditionally and I could never fault you for being who you are. But if you're going to keep thinking about our friendship now, like what I've done for years, if you keep feeling like you owe me or need to punish yourself for the past, if you let your noble, hero complex come before what you want every single time … then that's cruel, Barry."

"Cait, I never meant – "

"Yes, I know." Caitlin interrupted again, almost impatiently now, her brown head bobbing quickly. "You never intended to hurt me. But, Barry, don't you see. You can't keep being there for me, hugging me in support, rubbing my knuckles when you hold my hand, carrying me in your strong arms, tucking me into bed, brushing my hair back from my face, tugging my jaw when I bite my lip, kissing my forehead when you say goodbye. You can't do all these things when we both know how I feel about you, Barry, because it's cruel to make me believe that maybe you feel the same way about me."

There was a long pause where neither spoke. Barry wanted to tell Caitlin exactly how much she meant to him. He wanted to rush over to her and hold her so that she never questioned the way he felt about her again. He opened his mouth but no words came out. It was as if panic gripped his vocal cords and muscles. His heart raced in his chest and he lost control of all rational thought.

Caitlin offered him a small smile. "It's okay. I know how frightening the thought of loving your best friend can be. I've lived through it for years now, Barry. It's almost impossible imagining sacrificing your friendship for something that may only be side effects of a relationship that has become so intimate over the course of the years that it has blurred the lines and boundaries that we've always placed around each other. It's one of the reasons I've never come out and voiced my feelings for you, because I knew there would be no going back once I did. But Barry, I believe."

Caitlin looked at Barry bravely, her brown eyes open and honest, more vulnerable than he had ever seen them and something shifted inside of him. She reached out, taking a step closer. Her thighs pressed against his desk as she placed her hand on his shoulder. Her touch was like life flowing through his blood again. It accelerated his being into a frenzy and Barry's mind was speeding, looking to regain his bearing, desperately trying to catch up to the surreal situation he found himself in. "You should too."

She didn't wait for his response, she probably didn't expect one when he stood standing so still before her, almost unmoving. Yet she offered him a smile that was full of understanding and acceptance and Barry couldn't believe the woman in front of him.

He was in awe of her fearlessness. Barry watched as she walked away from him, her head held high and small shoulders squared. And suddenly it was as if a weight had been lifted from him. His doubts, all his fears and uncertainty disappeared with Caitlin, but Barry knew that he couldn't let Caitlin go a second time around. Not without fighting this time.

"Caitlin." Barry called as he rushed around his desk and sprinted down the stairs of Central City's police department. He looked over the railing and saw that she was heading towards the exit. He didn't bother calling her again. Instead Barry picked up his pace, thankful for his long legs and speed as he easily bridged the distance between them.

He grabbed a hold of her arm and spun her around. Brown hair flew around her face and her eyes widened. Barry could tell that she couldn't help but notice that people were watching them curiously. He knew that Caitlin didn't like attention on herself but this was something Barry needed to do now. Barry gripped both her arms tightly and pulled her into his chest.

"What are you doing?" She asked nervously, clearly unsettled as he continued to hold her to him, his green eyes roving her face with an intensity that could only be described as smouldering.

"Something, I think, I should have done a long time ago." Barry said determinedly.

And then he kissed her.

Her lips were soft and plump beneath his but he was surprised to be met with reluctance when she pulled her head back without reciprocating before he could deepen the kiss. Barry wasn't in the mood for reassurance or rationality in that moment though, he didn't care about the number of colleagues watching the interaction with fascination or the fact that Caitlin looked like a deer caught in headlights right then. She had said her piece and he had listened to her patiently. He hadn't gotten a word in edgewise. He was tired of talking and trying to justify his actions. Now he would show her exactly how he felt about her.

So with a soft groan Barry kissed her again. This time there was no fear when Caitlin's head lifted up so that she could meet his intensity with her own passion. Their heads moved in sync, as if they had kissed a million times before. Their tongues met with ease, as if they had always touched each other so intimately. It felt like Barry had just turned the house upside down in search of a beloved, misplaced possession and then finally held it in his hands again.

The sensation was beautiful. The force of it was breathtaking. The moment after the initial reluctance was everything a first kiss should be like. When they both finally broke for air, they stared at one another with a look that they had never seen reflected in each other's gazes before. Desire.

The almost deafening clapping, catcalling and whistling though were enough to make red colour creep up Barry's neck and stain his cheeks. Caitlin looked like she was about to faint from embarrassment as she groaned and ducked her head in Barry's chest. Her shy reaction made him chuckle softly and he wrapped his arms protectively around her, sighing with a happiness he only remembered feeling when both his parents had been alive. Placing his chin on her head he looked up to find Joe watching them with a wide grin on his face. Joe lifted his thumbs up in approval and the fact that Iris' father was genuinely happy for him made Barry feel like it had been a long time coming.

"Let's get out of here." He told Caitlin and she nodded before courageously lifting her head. She smoothed down her skirt and made her way towards the exit. This time, when Barry walked beside her, he slid his hand into hers and she looked up at him with such wonder in her wide eyes that he felt his chest swell up with pride.

 **. . .**

It was later on, much later, when they were lying naked in each others arms after having explored the new relationship they had begun, as they left behind their past for their future, would Caitlin tell Barry about Iris' visit.

When hours had passed and the darkness no longer mattered because they were intrinsically aware of the other, that was when they finally bared their hearts and souls to each other. They became intimately acquainted with every dip, curve and indentation of the other's body. Barry and Caitlin encouraged each other when one showed signs of nervousness or hesitation at moving forward. Words were traded for moans of pleasure and eventually their initial discomfort was replaced by need, a need that over time had burned into something fierce that neither could ignore any longer.

It was only then that Barry finally expressed his feelings for Caitlin using words. "I've always loved you, Cait. I never understood it then but I see it clearly now. My love for you may have started of as friendship, but it was love nonetheless. It was actually much purer than falling in love with someone, because I know now that falling in love with someone means you can also fall out of love with them. But when you love someone like you love your parents or siblings or friends, like I love you, that love is unconditional and will always be there. And that's how I love you, Cait, unconditionally and forever."

Barry would always be grateful that his love for Caitlin, that her love for him, had not only withstood the test of time, trials and tribulations but had also become the sort of love that you could depend on. The depth of their emotions for one another was something that had always seemed so simple, but in reality was the purest form of love, the truest kind there was. It was encompassing in its form. It was the kind of love that you just knew would last several lifetimes.

 **. . .**

 **Author's Note:** _I sincerely apologise for the delay in updating this story. Unfortunately this is a really busy time of year for me so my writing time has been very limited. To top it all off I recently met in a car accident (which wasn't my fault) that left me a little shaken. I'm perfectly fine though. Anyway, please know that this story is very close to my heart and will most definitely be completed … very soon actually. As always, let me know what you think, and yes, I did mention my accident for sympathy reviews too. Lol. Until the next chapter, happy reading everyone._

 _Nova*_


	9. Chapter 9

**Say You Won't Let Go**

 _ **Chapter Nine**_

 _After the very first night Barry and Caitlin spent together as lovers, finally, they found themselves unintentionally living together. It happened naturally, like everything else that transpired between Barry and Caitlin it just came to be because it was undeniably meant to be. Neither Barry nor Caitlin complained though, because both found the situation extremely pleasing._

 _Barry enjoyed waking up to Caitlin every morning, seeing her tousled hair and groggy disposition made his heart swell with new found affection for her, just as starting of his day with kissing her or showering with her did. Caitlin found peace falling asleep in Barry's arms, and even when she did wake up in the middle of the night to find him hogging all the covers or his long leg slung very awkwardly over her midriff, she would never complain because she knew that she wanted Barry just the way he was – imperfections and all. Although she did realise that they needed a bigger bed._

 _Due to their long standing friendship, the pair found the transition from their platonic relationship into a romantic one fairly simple. It was easy to manoeuvre around each other in Caitlin's apartment because their old habits hadn't changed. The only difference to their routines now was the playful teasing, intimate flirting and passionate kisses that they shared during their time together. It was their honeymoon phase._

 _Within a week, Barry had a toothbrush at Caitlin's apartment and she found that her laundry was made up of half male clothing. However, it had taken Cisco pointing it out to them for the pair to actually comprehend that they were indeed living together. The realisation had not disturbed either of them in the least though. In fact, considering they had been successfully sharing an apartment together for a few months, it had come time to have a conversation about the reality of their living arrangements._

 _After they both agreed that they enjoyed living together, spending as much time with one another as they possibly could, Caitlin suggested that Barry officially move all of his belongings into her apartment. After a while though, Caitlin's place (while better equipped for actually living, compared to Barry's get-up-and-go bachelor flat) proved to be a little too small for the new couple when they were sharing cupboard space and the study._

" _Well, it was bound to get cramped sooner or later and it's likely we'll accumulate more furniture and stuff later on." Barry caressed circles against Caitlin's bare knee while his head rested in her lap. She was massaging his scalp in a way that put him in a hazy state between sleep and lust._

" _Why don't we sell this place and then find something a little bigger?" Caitlin offered and Barry looked up at her seriously._

" _Would you really be willing to let go of your apartment?" Barry could be just as sentimental as Caitlin was and her apartment held so many memories (good and bad) for them both, and their friends, that it made him a tad reluctant to leave it._

" _Our apartment." Caitlin corrected sternly before she shrugged easily. "These walls hold equal amounts of pain and joy within it." Brown eyes left his face to do a sweep around her apartment before it landed back on him. "But just being with you now has made me realise that I don't need a building to remember, and besides, maybe it's time to move on to better things. Start of our relationship in a new space."_

 _Seeing that she was entirely serious Barry sat up from lying down on her lap. They turned to face each other on her white couch, knees brushing. She smiled reassuringly at him and the arm that was outstretched across the backrest of the couch allowed his fingers to play with strands of her silky brown hair._

" _You've been thinking about this for a while now, haven't you?" When Caitlin nodded in confirmation so did Barry. "Okay, well I can put a rush on finding someone to take over my lease, after that we can sell my dad's place – "_

 _Barry was not given the opportunity to finish his sentence though because Caitlin placed three fingers over his mouth. He raised his eyebrows over questioning green eyes as she shook her head defiantly at him._

" _No. You can't sell your childhood home." Caitlin removed her hand away from his mouth when she saw that she had his undivided attention. "I know that you never bought an apartment of your own and maintained your parents' place after your dad died because deep down you always wanted to move back there. When you have kids, that's where you want to raise them."_

 _Barry felt his chest tighten at Caitlin's words. The truth was that she was absolutely right, only he had never confided his dreams in anyone before, not even in Joe. Everyone had always assumed that eventually he would get around to selling the house, when the pain of his dad's death subsided, or when he needed a down payment to buy a place of his own, but that was a lie. It was true that Barry would have willingly sold his childhood home if it meant being able to give Caitlin the house that she wanted, but the fact that he didn't need to, made him want to cry._

 _Being a part of a wealthy family and now a successful bioengineer in her own right, Barry knew that money had never been a big deal for Caitlin. He was also fully aware that it didn't matter to her if he couldn't financially contribute just as much as she did in their relationship. However, Barry would always be there to shoulder half the burden with her, if not all of it, because it went against his basic principles to do otherwise. If Caitlin sold her flat for a home of their own, Barry could probably chip in equally with his savings, however it was the gesture in which it was made in, what she was willing to offer to make their relationship work, the insurmountable faith that she had in him and them that made him want to offer the same contribution. Barry wanted to show her that he believed in her and them too._

 _However, the fact that Caitlin would not hear of him selling his parents' home, because she knew exactly what it meant to him and she understood and respected his sentiments, touched Barry to his very core. Words failed him in that moment and he could feel his eyes burning with unshed tears as he looked at the woman in front of him. How had he been so blind to her perfection in compatibility with him for so many years? She was the one!_

 _Seeing that Barry had become emotional Caitlin decided to give him some space to compose himself and so she slowly got up from their couch. "I'm thirsty." She lied. "Would you like a beer?" Before she could leave though, Barry caught a hold of her small wrist. She turned around to look at him with a compassionate smile on her face, one that said that it was okay, that she understood. She tilted her brown head to the side and Barry tugged her hand hard._

 _She landed on his lap with a small shriek but Barry ignored her questioning glare as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him, drawing her into a bone crushing hug. After a second Caitlin's supple body relaxed against him and she moved in his hold so that she could straddle his hips and place her arms around his shoulders. Her fingers found the back of his head and her nails tenderly scratched against his scalp, sending pleasurable tingle after tingle racing down his spine. He was almost certain his legs were vibrating with the heady sensation. Barry placed his cheek against her chest and he could hear the steady beat of her heart in his ear. The sound reverberated through him, seeming to match his own heartbeat._

" _Thank you." Barry mustered, knowing that no words could express what he was feeling right then, hoping she would feel his gratitude for her instead. And he knew without a doubt that he and Caitlin would be living together in the home he had grown up in._

 _A few days later, Caitlin had been rendered speechless when Barry had asked her if she wanted to move into his childhood home with him. Then it was her turn to want to cry before answering Barry with a bone crushing hug. After they had completed some minor renovations to the Allen household, so that it better suited the new couple, their move had shifted something between them. It gave them a whole new level of intimacy that neither knew existed. However, while Barry and Caitlin's relationship was not known for petty fights over the toilet seat being left up or too many scented candles around the bathtub or why hadn't the garbage been taken out or the forgotten milk from the grocery store, no relationship was perfect and there were bound to be a few hurdles along the way._

* * *

 **THE** sound of a police siren wailing loudly in her ears made Caitlin spring up from the couch she had fallen asleep on while waiting for Barry to come home. Brown eyes found the vintage grandfather clock on the wall opposite of her and she saw that it was past midnight. With fear making her heart race and her stomach feel hollow Caitlin quickly sat up, wiped the drool off her face and stretched an arm out to reach for her mobile sitting on the coffee table near her. There were no new messages or missed calls from Barry to explain his absence and that was very unlike him.

Caitlin heard the police sirens again and she frowned, staring out the window to her side she noticed that her sheer white curtains were alit with red. Why would Joe come home with a police vehicle? And even if he had, she couldn't see his driveway from her lounge window. Jumping off the couch Caitlin was about to make her way towards the drawn curtains when a sharp knock on her door redirected her route. She looked through the peephole to see Joe standing on her doorstep. Caitlin opened the door to find the detective supporting a bloody and bruised Barry from falling over.

"Barry." Caitlin gasped as she jerked the door open wider and went to the other side of her partner. "What happened?" She threw worriedly at Joe, whose face was set in stone.

Joe and Caitlin moved towards the couch that Caitlin had fallen asleep on while she had been waiting for Barry and set him down carefully. He hissed softly and Caitlin instinctively hushed him soothingly. Barry immediately let his head fall back against the headrest and Caitlin noticed that his right arm was holding his side protectively. In the light she could see that he was sporting a very nasty looking blue eye as well. Blood had dried down his cheek as if he had been crying red tears. Caitlin's heart clenched in her chest at the sight but she knew that she had to be strong, for Barry.

"I'll get my kit." She said before walking off quickly at Joe's nod.

She took the stairs two at time and when she reached her bathroom Caitlin gripped the edge of the basin and leaned forward, taking in a few calming breaths. She then looked sternly at herself in the vanity mirror to regain her usual stoic composure before opening the cupboard and pulling out a doctor's bag.

She leaped down the stairs and saw that Joe was sitting down next to Barry, an arm slung in fatherly affection around his shoulders and coaxing him to go to the hospital. When Caitlin returned Barry opened his good eye to peer at her with a rueful and relieved smile. His expression was so childlike that she felt her heart constrict in her chest all over again.

"I have my very own personal physician right here, Joe, why would I want to be stuck in a hospital all night?" Barry turned to raise his eyebrows at the detective but it must have hurt his swollen eye to do so because he winced in pain.

After opening up her bag Caitlin grasped Barry's chin and gently turned his head towards her. She cleaned up his wounds expertly before gently moving his arm away from his side so that she could up his shirt. All the while Joe had stood up from the couch and paced the span of their lounge in clear agitation.

"Joe, would you mind getting me a glass of water and an ice-pack from the fridge please?" Caitlin knew that giving Joe something to do would make him feel useful and help ease his tension, plus he was suffocating her lounge.

When Caitlin had diagnosed that Barry's ribs were not broken but just bruised she removed his shirt completely and carefully. She used a cold spray across his waist to give him immediate relief. When Joe returned from the kitchen, Caitlin took the glass of water from Joe and gave it to Barry with an anti-inflammatory. While he downed the pill she placed the ice pack against his eye.

"Let's get you upstairs." She said a few minutes after her examination and slung his arm around her shoulders to help him stand up. Joe rushed over to help her.

Caitlin could feel the almost dead weight of Barry against her side and the word dead and Barry in the same thought made her almost lose her balance and fall over. She felt the urge to cry hysterically threaten to overwhelm her but she bit her lip hard and kept her cool. Caitlin gritted her teeth, gathering up all the strength she could muster to ensure they made their way upstairs and to their bedroom in one piece. Caitlin made certain that Barry was tucked in properly, his pillow was fluffed nicely and that he was placed in the centre of the bed because she knew how much he moved around while he slept and the last thing she wanted was for half his body to hang off one end of the bed while he was injured.

"Looks like you're finally returning the favour for all the times I've tucked you in." Barry teased drowsily, his eyelids droopy. Caitlin smiled at him as he trailed his fingers lovingly down her cheek before reaching for her hand. His thumb rubbed her knuckles tiredly.

"Just don't expect me to sing for you." Caitlin found some comfort in their easy banter but it did not diminish her concern for him.

He chuckled at her words but then inhaled sharply. Caitlin winced before sternly telling him to get some rest. He wisely refrained from arguing with her and took her advice. She sat on the side of the bed until Barry's eyes closed fully, and even though he gave into sleep with a smile on his face he ended up wearing a small frown, which creased his forehead, no doubt due to the pain he was experiencing every time he so much as breathed.

Caitlin reached over and brushed some stray waves of brown hair from his forehead and was pleased to see his skin smooth out peacefully at her touch. She stood up with a soft sigh and turned around to find Joe watching the young couple's interaction from the doorway. She walked towards the detective and inclined her head for him to follow her back down the stairs.

Caitlin left the door slightly ajar and gave Barry one last lingering look before she went down to meet her neighbour. "Joe, what happened?" Caitlin urgently implored.

Joe tiredly wiped his forehead with his hand before going to sit down on the couch. Caitlin sighed softly but did not press him again. Instead she calmly went over to the kitchen to get him some coffee so he could gather his wits in her absence. He gratefully accepted the brew upon her return.

When the hot liquid seemed to calm Joe down somewhat he finally spoke to Caitlin. "Barry's fine right?" He questioned with undisguised concern.

Caitlin nodded. "He will be. There was no serious harm done." Caitlin told her neighbour.

Joe nodded. "I feel so guilty. It could have been so much worse, Caitlin. I promised Henry I'd always look out for him." The detective looked immensely upset then. "I called Barry into a crime scene but missed out on some perps hiding about the place. When I stepped outside to take a call, Barry was inside when they made to escape. And Barry, that idiot, tried to stop one."

Caitlin listened patiently. That definitely sounded like her noble Barry Allen. "Joe, that wasn't your fault." Caitlin reached out and placed a consoling hand on his shoulder.

The detective rejected her reassurance. "No, it was. I should have scanned the place better. I didn't find that scum hiding there. If anything happened to Barry on my watch …"

"Hey." Caitlin scooted closer and wrapped her arm around Joe from beside him. "Don't do that. Barry is fine and if he was here right now he would kick you out for suggesting that what happened tonight was your fault."

Joe leaned his head against hers for a moment with a heavy sigh before he gently removed himself from her embrace and stood up. He placed his half empty cup on her coffee table and stood up. "You're right. I'm sorry, Caitlin, it's been a long night."

Caitlin stood up and nodded in understanding with a small smile. Joe watched her in a way that he had not done before. While he had often looked at her with respect or a pleasant smile, tonight he was staring at her as if he were really seeing her for the first time. Caitlin found herself shrinking back slightly from his probing gaze.

"What?" She asked self consciously while tucking a lose curl behind her ear.

Joe gave her a small smile and shook his head as if to say that it wasn't anything bad which he was thinking. "Barry is really lucky to have you in his life, living here with him." Joe's head moved from right to left as he took in Barry's childhood home. He turned back to stare at Caitlin with a familial fondness that Caitlin knew all too well. It was the same look her father used to give her every single time she perfectly recited the Hippocratic Oath to him.

Her cheeks pinkened, and she looked down in embarrassment at his compliment and steady gaze before meeting Joe's eyes again. "And we're both lucky to have you watching out for us." She said earnestly and he nodded gratefully before bidding her goodnight and making Caitlin promise not to let Barry come into work tomorrow.

Caitlin nodded as she locked the door behind Joe. When she made her way back up the stairs she checked in on Barry. He tossed and turned uncomfortably in his sleep but she was certain the pain medication she had administered would kick in soon enough so that he could have a painless sleep. Caitlin bit her lip as she noticed that he was looking slightly pale. It was only then that Caitlin felt the effect of Joe's words as it sank heavily into her mind. If anything had happened to Barry tonight, what would she have done? A burning fear flamed its way up Caitlin's gut as she pictured Barry lying lifeless in an abandoned warehouse or back alley somewhere. Memories of Ronnie's casket unwillingly flooded her mind and Caitlin felt vomit rise at the back of her throat. She clamped a hand over her mouth as she raced towards their adjoining bathroom.

 **. . .**

A few weeks after Barry's nasty run in with some criminals things between him and Caitlin started to wobble for the first time since they had become a couple. His attack hadn't been a close call with death; he had been roughed up a bit and left almost unconscious, but his injuries had been mostly superficial. The perpetrators had thankfully only been in possession of a knife which Barry had managed to evade. However, it had been a traumatic experience and in his state of physical pain and obvious fear, he had thought of only one person; Caitlin.

In hindsight maybe he shouldn't have insisted that Joe take him straight home to his girlfriend because it became clear that Barry being in danger had offset something inside of Caitlin that came from a deep seethed fear of loss.

Barry sighed as he scratched the back of his head and then looked up from the paperwork he had been trying to finish. Caitlin was sitting upon the thick ledge by his window, watching him carefully. It wasn't that Barry didn't enjoy the extra attention from his lover or dislike all the time he got to spend with her but he had to admit that it became frustrating after a month.

It was because he knew that the real reason Caitlin was there all the time was because she couldn't help it, not because she wanted to be with him. Caitlin was not a clingy person by nature and so Barry knew that her continuous hovering wasn't healthy for her mental and emotional state of being. She would sit in his office for hours on end, just watching him with a thoughtful expression on her pretty face that didn't sit well with him.

If he was five minutes late because he had decided to make a pit-stop at the supermarket on his way home she would call him to check up on him. When he told her he was working late she would bring him dinner at the CCPD and insist on waiting there for him. Caitlin never interrupted him or disturbed him while he was working but the intensity with which she stared at him unnerved Barry as much as it fascinated him.

Her fragile behaviour had become worse in recent times though. Caitlin had now taken it upon herself to direct the cases Barry had been called in for to Julian when she was in his office – which had recently became her unofficial workplace as well. Caitlin was testing his patience and while Barry was renowned for his tolerance, especially when it came to his best friend, he knew he was reaching his limit.

"Cait." Barry said gently and she smiled innocently at him before leaving her place by the window to come to him. He almost felt guilty for his thoughts but he knew that the reasoning behind her shadowing presence wasn't the good kind. Barry felt like Caitlin was almost at a point of asking him to grow a beard as long as Rapunzel's hair so that she could lock him up in a tower where only she could get to him. "You should go home."

Caitlin shook her head quickly. "No, it's fine, I don't mind waiting here."

Barry sighed. He had tried to leave home early that morning, in the hopes of not rousing Caitlin from her sleep so that she wouldn't pepper him for details about his schedule, but he had failed. The moment he had left their bed she had reached for him with an aching groan. Her vulnerability in that moment had tempted him to crawl back under the covers with her but he had resisted the urge to do so because he knew that avoiding the issues at hand, like what Caitlin was doing, wouldn't solve anything.

Caitlin had insisted that she would accompany him to work before she left for S.T.A.R Labs. The only problem with that was that Barry knew she would carry her laptop to CCPD with her and work from his office like she was frequently doing nowadays. He was almost tempted to make an anonymous complaint call to Dr Wells but decided that that would be taking it too far. Now it was just past 7pm and Caitlin hadn't gone anywhere, save very quick trips to the bathroom, in twelve hours straight. She had also ensured that Julian had handled all call outs during the course of the day. Julian, who had figured out what was going on, had not argued with Caitlin. On the bright side though, for the first time in years, Julian had looked at Barry with something other than dislike. Although, pity wasn't really the progressive reaction Barry had been hoping for, at least it was better than loathing.

Barry was about to try and convince Caitlin to leave when his phone rang. After he ended the call he grabbed his jacket from behind his chair and slung it on. Caitlin hurried to his side.

"Barry? What is it?" She turned wide brown eyes on him and he almost wanted to stay just to remove the insecurity and fear from her gaze.

However Barry knew that doing that was the wrong way to go about handling the situation. He couldn't accept her sense of dread because she needed to figure out that the way she was feeling wasn't okay. This wasn't one of those times he could use words to rationalise her emotions because they weren't rational. Caitlin needed to feel her fears, she needed to confront them head on and that was something only she could do.

"I have to go." Barry told her with a hidden wince.

"Can't someone else cover for you tonight? It's late." Caitlin was clearly grasping at straws because she knew that since Julian had already left for the day, Barry would have to be the one to answer the callout. Her excuse of it being late sounded flimsy even to his ears.

Barry just shook his head and bent down to give her a quick peck on the cheek. He made to leave but felt her tugging on his sleeve. Barry looked at the hand on his jacket. He knew her palm would be clammy from how white it was as it gripped his clothes. Barry looked up and almost felt his heart freeze over as he saw the childlike look of vulnerability and fear in her gaze.

"Barry." She called out softly but then she shook her head slowly as if to shake whatever she was thinking, her brown eyes blazing with determination. "I'll come too."

Barry felt his resolve harden then. If he didn't do something about Caitlin's post traumatic stress she was going to go crazy, or worse, do something that could hurt her. "No." Barry said simply and he saw a small frown appear between her brows.

"What do you mean no?" She sounded slightly angry now. Good.

"Caitlin, this is my job and I have to go. You don't. I know what's going on here, Cait. But I'm not Ronnie and you gotta stop treating me like I am." Barry saw her face pale and the hand holding onto his jacket fell limply to her side.

Barry sped away. He didn't want to feel like the bad guy for doing something that was for Caitlin's own good. He had been left with no other choice but to be cruel to be kind, to bring Caitlin out of the cage that her debilitating fear was keeping her in. Whenever he had tried talking to her about it she would shut down on him and so he had run out of options.

He didn't look back but he knew that she was still standing there, staring at his back, and he could almost feel her hurt wafting of her in waves. However, Barry gritted his teeth and forged on. This was necessary, he told himself.

 **. . .**

After his case he called Cisco and the two shared a few beers together at _The Press Box_. He had messaged Caitlin to let her know because he hadn't wanted her to worry about him. For the first time since he and Caitlin had moved in together, he hadn't felt like going home. He hated feeling that way. It suddenly seemed unfair that he and Caitlin couldn't fight over petty things, like what channel on the television they should watch or who would get groceries that week or whose turn it was to do the dishes that night. It was horrible that they could gel together so well in almost every aspect of their lives but their problems, although far and few in between, were always surrounded by a deep-seated pain.

Barry sighed as he pulled up into his driveway and switched of his engine. He ran his hands through his hair before rubbing the tense muscles behind his neck. Caitlin hadn't messaged him once tonight. Not even in reply to him telling her that he was out with Cisco and not to wait up for him. It was late, almost 11pm and he had returned home because her silence had worried him more than her usual stream of texts the past few weeks had.

When he opened his front door as silently as possible he felt relieved to find Caitlin sitting on their couch, an open book on her lap. However, when he came in he wasn't surprised to find that she was staring off into space with a blank expression on her face that made Barry brim with guilt.

"Hey." Barry greeted softly as he came in. He set his keys down on the table next to the front door, shrugged off his jacket and placed it on the back of the couch before he sat down next to her, carefully almost.

Caitlin turned towards him and he knew that her mood was sombre. "I'm sorry for the way I've been acting recently." She said dully but without preamble.

Barry sighed tiredly and turned towards her. "It's okay, Cait. I understand."

"No, it isn't." She argued. "I think the possibility of losing you was so overwhelming that I didn't know how to handle it. And when I saw you beaten up and out like that, it just brought back memories of Ronnie's funeral and … Oh, Barry, I was stupid and I'm so sorry." She gave him a sad and defeated shrug. "It isn't fair to always put you in such impossible situations, Barry. And I know I have all this baggage that I come along with, stuff that isn't your – "

"Hey, hey." Barry immediately slid from the couch so he could kneel in front of her. He took both of Caitlin's hands in his and rested their intertwined fingers on her knees. "It's okay, you don't have to apologise for the horrors you've faced. I know what death does to you, Caitlin. I've lived through it twice now. If the situation had been reversed, I'd probably have done the same, if not worse to reassure myself that you were fine and wouldn't be leaving my side anytime soon. We're in this together, remember? I'd carry your baggage everyday if it meant lightening your load. I just don't want you to keep piling the same stuff onto yourself all the time."

Caitlin gave him a sad smile. "Do you think that's why we're together, because we're so much alike? Because we have the same fears and doubts?"

Barry tilted his head to the side, sensing that her question ran deeper than what she was really asking. "We may have connected because of our similarities, Caitlin, but we're together because we're different. We compliment each other. We make up for each others' shortfalls. We're here, Cait, because we love each other. I'm the best version of myself when I'm with you, Caitlin."

Caitlin removed her hand from his hold to reach out and gently run her fingertips through the side of his hair in a familiar gesture of affection. Barry closed his eyes for a moment, inhaling the calming, flowery scent that was Caitlin. He knew that no matter what problems they had to face next, that they would do it together and that was already half the battle won. It didn't matter that the dynamics of their relationship were unusual or that their love was unique, it was what made them special to each other.

Barry stood up with an idea in mind and Caitlin curiously looked up at the glint dazzling in his green eyes. He wordlessly extended a hand to her and she frowned questioningly up at him. He inclined his head towards his waiting hand and silently encouraged her to take it. So Caitlin trustingly placed her smaller palm into his. Barry tugged her off the couch. He held her close to him, one hand holding her hand out and the other on her lower back. He moved his feet slowly, from side to side, going around in circles and Caitlin chuckled against his chest.

"People generally dance to music." She told him seriously.

Barry smiled as he kissed the top of her brown head. _"Summer Lovin' …"_

Caitlin laughed this time and Barry felt his smile widen at the sound as he took a step back and twirled her around. Her laughter filled his being, removing the heavy weight that had been resting on his shoulders and making it difficult for him to breathe the past few weeks.

In reality, they didn't need music. They followed the beat of both their hearts, their bodies in tune to each other, guiding their feet in an easy rhythm. The clock chimed, telling the couple that it was midnight. They had been on their feet for almost an hour now, but neither complained. They were more than content to sway in each other's arms, holding on with love, every inch of their bodies touching, listening to each others breathing. They moved away from the stress of their problems, learning from it but not dwelling on it. Barry and Caitlin were more than happy to dance the night away together.

 **. . .**

 _ **The final chapter coming soon …**_


	10. Chapter 10

**Say You Won't Let Go**

 _ **Chapter Ten**_

 _Barry stretched his long legs out as he swivelled around from behind his desk to face Joe. He searched the older man's contemplative features and Barry could tell that something was up with Joe. Barry had known Joe all his life and after his own dad had died, Joe had become somewhat of a surrogate father to him._

" _So, what's on your mind?" Barry placed a hand under his chin and looked up at Joe thoughtfully._

 _The older man was leaning against the thick ledge of Barry's large office window, both hands gripping the wood for balance. Joe frowned slightly. "What makes you think that there's something on my mind?"_

" _You have that look on your face." Barry gave him a cheeky grin. "Usually it means you need to vent about Iris or Wally or to call me out on my tardiness, but I know it can't be the latter."_

 _Joe gave Barry a half smile. "Yes, well Caitlin has been a good influence on you in recent times, no doubt about it."_

 _Barry nodded his head in agreement, running a hand behind his head and smiling widely as he thought about his girlfriend. "She has."_

 _Joe mirrored Barry's nod. "You're really happy, aren't you?"_

" _I am." Barry replied earnestly. This time Joe stood up, bobbing his head continuously in what could only be described as nervousness before clearing his throat, almost dramatically. His sudden awkwardness made Barry frown before sitting up straighter. "Joe, what's up?" Barry could not take the suspense any longer._

" _One second." Joe showed Barry his index finger before patting his chest with his other hand. Then his fingers disappeared inside his coat and he pulled out something from his inner pocket. Barry craned his neck to try and get a look at whatever it was that was getting Joe so worked up, but the detective was holding the item in a closed fist._

 _Joe gave Barry a hesitant smile and Barry raised his eyebrows at the detective. He tried to hold back all the sarcastic retorts brimming at the forefront of his mind over Joe's suspicious and nervous behaviour with a smile of his own. Although Barry knew that his grin was probably saccharine._

" _Your dad left this with me before … well, when he got sick." Joe cleared his throat awkwardly again and Barry looked down at Joe's hands but noticed that the older man's fingers were still closed tightly around the mystery object. Barry swallowed before meeting Joe's eyes again._

" _It's okay, Joe. I'm fine, go ahead." Barry encouraged, feeling all the more eager to hear what Joe had to say now that it somehow involved his father._

 _Joe nodded his head again but instead of saying anything else he simply extended his fist towards Barry and opened up his closed fingers. Barry eyed the ruby red box with wide eyes. He felt his knees weaken and hands tremble as he reached for the familiar jewellery casing._

 _Barry's fingers felt like jelly as he opened up the velvet box with reverence. Inside it sat his mother's wedding ring. The simple band still looked polished and the beautiful diamond glinted mischievously up at him._

" _Joe … How?" Barry swallowed back the thick emotions threatening to overwhelm him as he tried to express himself. Fortunately for him Joe seemed to understand his need for more information when he failed to string two coherent thoughts together._

 _Barry had gone in search of his mother's ring when he had planned on proposing to Iris a few years back. That ring was an Allen tradition which symbolised decades of history and love, dating back to his great-grandfather. Thinking about how meaningful the ring was now, made Barry realise that maybe his heart hadn't really been set on giving it away the first time he had contemplated marriage. After all, he could have looked harder, made more of an effort to find it._

 _Joe gave Barry a small smile. "Honestly, Barry, I know that the time is right_ now _. I've seen you and Caitlin together and I can feel how happy you are. How whole she's made you, and I couldn't have wished for a better partner for you."_

 _Barry understood what Joe was trying to tell him by praising Caitlin and his relationship with her without dredging up the past. This time Barry had made the right choice. Of course asking Caitlin to be his wife had been on his mind for a while now; however he hadn't been sure of how to go about doing it. He hadn't felt right about just walking into a jewellery store and picking out a ring for Caitlin. He also remembered showing her Iris' engagement ring before and it made him cringe to think that she might be reminded about the painful experience when he asked her to marry him._

 _Then he would also remember that Caitlin had been married before and this made Barry re-think his proposal ideas every single time he thought he found something worthy of Caitlin. He wasn't aware of the details on Ronnie's proposal but Barry did know that he didn't want to do something similar. He also did not want to feel like he was competing with a dead man by asking how Ronnie had gone about popping the question._

 _Now though, holding his mother's wedding ring in the palm of his hand made something settle inside of Barry. He felt calm, the idea of proposing to Caitlin no longer seemed like it was a disaster waiting to happen. Joe had said that it was finally the right time. But maybe Barry hadn't been waiting for the right time after all, maybe he had just been waiting for the right ring all along. His mother's ring. In that moment, Barry felt like both his parents were in the same room with him, proud of him and happy with his decision. He could see his mother nodding her beautiful, red head at him in approval and he could almost hear his father saying, "Go get her, Slugger."_

 _Barry felt tears threaten to fall at the illusion, but the amount of happiness brimming within him outweighed his sadness in the moment. He wanted to run, run right then to Caitlin and ask her to marry him. Yet he knew that she deserved more than a shot-gun proposal so he quelled the burning desire in his legs and threw himself at Joe instead._

" _Thank you, Joe." He was consumed by the amount of love Joe's bear hug was filled with and Barry knew that he couldn't have asked for more out of life then. Regardless of everything he had lost, he had never stopped gaining loved ones along the way._

" _You're welcome, son." The endearment made Barry grin goofily. His green eyes had stars in them. When Joe pulled back, still holding onto Barry's shoulders he too looked like he was about to cry. "Do you know what your dad told me when he gave that to me?" Joe inclined his head towards the ring._

 _Barry shook his head, no._

 _Joe gave him a knowing smile. "He said that he wasn't concerned because he knew that the Allen family would still have a doctor in it, even after he was gone."_

 _Barry's eyes widened at the implication of Joe's words. He looked down to the ring in his hand and it felt like the simple band of jewellery was a missing piece to a puzzle he had spent decades trying to complete. The moment he asked Caitlin to marry him, would be exactly where life began. And he knew now that his father had known all along that Caitlin was Barry's home, ever since Henry had asked him if there was more to his relationship with Caitlin all those years ago._

* * *

 **CAITLIN** walked into the uptown restaurant in Central City with a happy smile on her face. Barry had mentioned during the course of the week that his parents had been on his mind a lot lately and it made him feel rather nostalgic. So after asking for her opinion, he had organised a "family dinner" with all those he considered his own.

Caitlin easily found Cisco's comforting features as he stood to wave at her from a table surrounded by familiar faces. She returned the greeting and smiled broadly at him, looking affectionately at his curls that night. She could hardly believe that she had grown so fond of his long, shaggy hair and couldn't imagine Cisco without it now. Caitlin pointed at her friends to the efficient hostess at the door and then stepped further inside the lively place.

The buzz of happy chatter made her ears perk up happily. The enticing smells of grilling food wafted towards her nostrils, making her feel warm and fuzzy inside. When Caitlin took in the people sitting around Cisco, where two tables had to be joined together to accommodate her bunch, she felt a streak of déjà vu bolt through her system over the pleasing sight.

Felicity and Oliver were leaning into each other as the latter listened intently to something Joe was saying. Iris sat beside Joe, smiling beautifully at Thea, who was talking animatedly. John was busy in conversation with Ray and Laurel and Cisco looked to be revelling in the bustling activity going on at their table. Caitlin scanned the setting for the one face she most eagerly wanted to see but found Barry absent from the pretty scene.

"Hi." She said sweetly as she hugged Cisco before turning to the others.

While hugging Felicity, Caitlin was reminded of how much she had missed her friends and she was eternally grateful to still be a part of a group of people that she could call family. By the time she made a full circle she was feeling almost worn out by the amount of hugs she had given and received, but in a good way. A great way.

"Where's Barry?" She asked when she sat down and looked almost longingly at the only empty space beside her.

She didn't miss the shifty look everyone shared with each other. Everyone except for Oliver, who casually picked up his drink and sipped from it, his expression, as always, masked. Felicity looked to be brimming with an excitement she couldn't contain and Caitlin noticed the reproving look Cisco threw her way. Felicity wordlessly huffed at him in response and Caitlin's eyebrows drew together over the silent interaction.

"He'll be making an appearance." Cisco said cryptically and Caitlin's frown deepened.

Iris rolled her eyes at the bunch. "Don't mind them, Caitlin. Barry just went to the bathroom."

Caitlin nodded but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was missing something. Upon sitting down she wriggled a little on her cushioned chair before becoming comfortable in her seat. She was just about to strike up a conversation with Felicity when she heard her name being called out loud and clear. It was announced … over a microphone.

"Dr Caitlin Snow, come on up here." There was excited cheering, the most coming from her friends, as Caitlin turned towards her boyfriend's voice. Barry was standing up on stage, a microphone in hand, an adorable smile on his face and a mischievous glint in his green eyes.

"Oh no." Caitlin ducked her head in embarrassment as every eye in the restaurant turned towards her.

She wasn't a fool. Caitlin knew very well that Barry was repeating the very same line she had used on him years ago when she had made a fool of herself by calling him up to sing karaoke with her one drunken night.

Barry beckoned her with a cheeky grin and a crooked finger and Caitlin slumped lower in her seat, shaking her brown head at him pleadingly. Cisco stood beside her and clapped. The crowd politely did the same and more cheering could be heard. Felicity gave her a gentle push and the doctor aimed deadly glares at Cisco and the blonde before reluctantly standing up. She hurried over towards the stage, feeling thousands of eyes boring into her.

"Barry." Caitlin muttered in stern chastisement when she reached him. He helped her up with a chivalrous hand and gestured towards a highchair beside him. Caitlin jumped on with Barry still holding her fingers in his.

"Don't worry, _I_ won't ask you to sing." He told her sweetly and Caitlin gave him a look that said you better not. She did feel a small sense of relief at his reassuring words though.

"Caitlin, I chose this song because I knew you would understand the words, just as I did when I heard it. It's funny how the lyrics mean something to us in ways I never thought about until recently." Barry placed a soft kiss on her knuckles before releasing her hand and standing up straighter. Then he sang.

Caitlin felt her eyes pool with tears as she looked at the sincerity on Barry's face as he sang for her. She understood exactly why Barry had chosen the particular pop song. It resounded within her, drawing on memories from her long relationship with him. Every line, each verse, the lyrics simply screamed out to her, describing Barry's feelings, her feelings, drawing out moments from both their lives that she watched before her blurry eyes like a movie playing out for her.

" _ **I met you in the dark, you lit me up**_

 _ **You made me feel as though I was enough**_

 _ **We danced the night away, we drank too much**_

 _ **I held your hair back when you were throwing up"**_

 **. . .**

" _Well, I am weary of strangers I meet in the dark, on a lonesome hilltop." Caitlin replied sensitively, crossing her arms over her chest. The stranger looked down at her, his expression serious._

" _We don't have to be strangers." He said sincerely. He turned around to face her. "I'm, Barry. Barry Allen." He introduced himself with a hand held out to her._

 _After an awkward pause, where it seemed like he was almost ready to take back his offered hand, Caitlin tentatively gave him her smaller one and he shook it vigorously, his long fingers strong against her own. "Caitlin Snow." She told him and he smiled._

" _See, now we're friends." He replied good naturedly, still holding on to her hand. His fingers were warm against her slightly cooler ones. Feeling self conscious from the contact and her observations, Caitlin immediately pulled her hand back from his._

 _ **. . .**_

" _Probably because I'm the only girl you've ever sang for." Caitlin's voice sounded sleepy._

 _It was true. Caitlin and his mother had been the only two women in his life who he had sung for. It had always been easy with Caitlin. She had never made him feel like he was broken or empty. With her, Barry always felt like he was enough._

 _ **. . .**_

 _Barry's lips thinned as he held back Caitlin's hair with one hand and rubbed her back soothingly with the other. Her head was still stuck down the toilet bowl and he wished he hadn't gone out with the guys tonight._

 _ **. . .**_

 _In reality, they didn't need music. They followed the beat of both their hearts, their bodies in tune to each other, guiding their feet in an easy rhythm. The clock chimed, telling the couple that it was midnight. They had been on their feet for almost an hour now, but neither complained. They were more than content to sway in each other's arms, holding on with love, every inch of their bodies touching, listening to each others breathing. Barry and Caitlin were more than happy to dance the night away together._

 **. . .**

" _ **Then you smiled over your shoulder**_

 _ **For a minute I was stone-cold sober**_

 _ **I pulled you closer to my chest**_

 _ **And you asked me to stay over**_

 _ **I said, I already told you**_

 _ **I think that you should get some rest"**_

 **. . .**

" _Goodnight, Caitlin. It was nice meeting you." He called out and he sounded incredibly sincere that Caitlin stopped moving once again._

 _She took in a brave breath and looked over her shoulder this time. "Black, one sugar and it has to be from CC Jitters." She told him and the grin that he awarded her with made her smile in return. It was easy to feel less tense when you were the reason for someone else's pleased look._

 **. . .**

 _Caitlin looked at him over her shoulder._

 _Barry looked at her pale face, the red eyes, the sick tinge around her mouth and he immediately felt stone cold sober. The sight of an ill Caitlin sent his protective instincts into overdrive._

 _ **. . .**_

 _So Barry took advantage of making Caitlin smile. He had made it his personal mission to amuse her as often as possible just so he could see her face light up or her eyes brighten. He took pleasure in being able to chase away any remaining frowns that lingered on her fair skin. It was a simple gesture, yet the sound of her husky laughter always made Barry feel exhilarated, as if he had just saved the city from impending doom. It was intoxicating._

 _ **. . .**_

 _In her fit of rage Caitlin had not noticed Barry making his way towards her until he grabbed a hold of her wrists and pulled her away from his dinosaur and towards him instead. At the feel of his long fingers on her skin, Caitlin cursed at him, beating his chest with her fists until he held her against him._

 _ **. . .**_

 _Caitlin threw her hands in the air to demonstrate her frustration with her mother before her voice broke on a small sob. Barry immediately pulled her towards him._

" _Hey, come here." He held her tightly, placing his chin on the crown of her head. He said nothing. Instead Barry offered her his shoulder and after a while Caitlin sighed and Barry could feel her tense muscles unwind against him._

 _ **. . .**_

 _Barry did not relent this time. He took a quick step forward and placed her in his arms. At first his embrace was rough as she tried to fight against him, to resist, but he held on tighter, pressing her into his chest._

 _ **. . .**_

" _No." Caitlin shook her head before raising her hand to brush back a tuft of brown hair from his forehead. "There actually might come a time where I'd want you to charge in and save me." Caitlin teased and Barry chuckled again._

" _Deal." He said, before insisting she spend the night in his dorm._

 _ **. . .**_

 _He scooted closer to her and Caitlin inhaled Barry in. He always smelt like the cool air after a lightning storm, clean and fresh, revitalising. "Thanks." He said softly, nudging her arm with his and Caitlin placed her head on his shoulder ... He sighed peacefully beside her and Caitlin's eyelids drooped._

 _She had fallen asleep like this many nights before and Barry always carried her to bed, tucking her in before he left. Tonight would be no different._

 _ **. . .**_

" _Barry, how much of it will I regret tomorrow morning?" He could see that the effects of the alcohol were starting to wear off._

" _Don't worry about that now, Cait. I think that you should get some rest." He assured her. She snuggled closer to her pillow._

" _Will you sing for me, please?" She asked sweetly and he chuckled softly._

 _ **. . .**_

" _ **I knew I loved you then, but you'd never know**_

' _ **Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go**_

 _ **I knew I needed you**_

 _ **But I never showed**_

 _ **But I wanna stay with you until we're grey and old"**_

 **. . .**

 _He did not cry, not a single tear was shed, but Caitlin bawled her eyes out. She did not say a word, but she knew he understood what her anger and pain was telling him._

 _She needed him._

 **. . .**

 _Henry and Joe had asked him if there was anything more going on between him and Caitlin. At the time, Barry had laughed the suggestion off, not giving it a second thought, yet it was coming back around now. Was he missing out on the possibility of something more with Caitlin?_

 _ **. . .**_

 _He would not ruin one of the most important relationships in his life by complicating it with romantic feelings. Barry's chest still felt heavy with conflicting emotions though …_

 _ **. . .**_

 _Their laughter ebbed away into a companionable silence before Caitlin spoke again, her husky voice thoughtful. "I've never thought about Barry as anything more than a friend before and neither will I ever do so. Oliver is partially right. Barry means too much to me to lose. He and Cisco have brought so much of joy into my life and I know that sounds ridiculously cheesy, but it's true." Barry felt his chest swell over Caitlin's soft words, feeling the need to hold her hand and reassure her that everything would be fine. She had always inspired a protective instinct in him._

" _I was broken when I moved to Central City, but Barry, he fixed me. Romantic relationships, they don't always last forever, but friendships, they can withstand a lifetime of trials. I have that kind of friendship with Barry. And Cisco. And I don't ever want to do anything that could ruin it because I can't imagine what my life would be like without them." Caitlin's earnest words made Barry feel like more than he had ever been._

 _Caitlin would never see him as anything more than a friend because that was who she needed. And that was who Barry would be for her. Always. Barry backed away from the door, silently promising himself and Caitlin that he would never question their friendship again._

 _ **. . .**_

" _Yes, but there are different kinds of love, Barry. Not everyone who love each other end up being lovers." Caitlin spoke softly but Barry couldn't hear the pain behind her voice over his own argument or see the hurt in her eyes over his own disbelief._

" _Well they should be." Barry said firmly. "I mean, isn't that what you told me, Cait?" Barry's voice also lowered a notch, matching Caitlin's soft tones now. He watched her through hooded lids. "If two people love each other, nothing else matters besides fulfilling that desire to be together. Regardless of the pain in between, be it in life or death, love doesn't mean anything if lovers can't be together."_

 _. . ._

" _Thank you, Cait. I've never been happier and it's all because of you. I couldn't have done it without you." He moved his hands from her arms and grabbed the sides of her face, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I love you."_

 _And even though Caitlin knew Barry only loved her as a friend, as a family member, she couldn't stop the resulting words that spilled from her lips, because she had been dying to tell him exactly how she had felt about him since she had learned off her feelings for him._

" _I love you too." She whispered brokenly._

 _ **. . .**_

 _Barry gritted his teeth to keep his cool. "Listen, man." Barry spoke loudly, sending a cursory look to all the other men gathered around them for good measure. "That lady is my girlfriend and she's only up there because we had a little misunderstanding earlier on. I'm just trying to get her back home safely."_

 _ **. . .**_

 _Barry could be himself with Caitlin. He had no secrets from her because she could see straight through him, even when he tried to hide something from her because he knew she worried over his wellbeing. Barry would never do anything that would jeopardise their friendship because Caitlin meant too much to him to lose._

 _ **. . .**_

" _ **Just say you won't let go**_

 _ **Just say you won't let go"**_

Barry stopped singing on a low note and Caitlin couldn't stem the tears from flowing down her cheeks as Barry came before her and then went down on one knee. He had done this so many times during their time together, when they had been friends, when she had been angry at him, just months ago when he had been reassuring her, but this time … Caitlin knew that this time was different. It didn't make any of the other times he had kneeled down before her any less meaningful, but this time it most definitely meant more.

Barry shook his head at her as she noticed the tears collecting at the corners of his green eyes too and she laughed softly as he wiped away the wet streaks from her face with his thumb. Caitlin ran her fingers through the side of his brown hair.

"Caitlin." Barry began as he set the microphone down. She knew that this was just for her ears. Barry reached into his jacket pocket and even though her intelligent mind had come to this very conclusion she still gasped at the sight of the velvet box in his hand.

"Say you won't let go, Cait, and I promise I'll live out the remaining verses of the song. Every day. I love you, Caitlin Snow, with every fibre of my being, every cell, every bone, every other biological, physical and spiritual part that you could probably name better."

His words instantly made Caitlin launch herself into his arms with a joyous little laugh and the crowd that had been dead silent, straining in to hear Barry, burst into cheers. She knew that Cisco was probably cheering the loudest and Felicity was crying and Iris was whistling vociferously without looking at them because she could hear and feel their happiness wafting towards her and Barry.

"Yes." Caitlin whispered with a teary but happy laugh. "I won't let go, Barry. I love you and I'll stay with you till we're grey and old because, darling, your love is more than worth its weight in gold."

At her choice of words, using the lyrics from the very same song he had just sung to her, Barry chuckled happily and no noise had ever sounded more beautiful to Caitlin before. Barry gently pulled away from her so that he could place the ring on her finger and Caitlin's eyes widened. She turned her gaze on Barry and he nodded proudly at her after kissing the finger that now wore his ring.

"My mother's ring. Joe had it all along." Barry told her and Caitlin could only look on, stunned.

Barry stood up to his full, tall height, picking Caitlin up in his arms and twirling her around easily. No sooner had he set her back on her feet were all their friends there, gathered around them, full of happy exclamations.

Barry still had an arm around her shoulders and Caitlin was glad for the support. She felt too light headed with excitement to stand on her own two feet just then. She felt like she would feint from excitement. Just when she thought that her life couldn't get any better, Barry gently squeezed her arm and pointed off into the near distance. Caitlin looked over to find her mother standing off in a corner, aloof, but watching the exchange with clouded eyes. When Caitlin caught her mother's attention, Carla did something Caitlin couldn't remember seeing her do since Charlie. Her mother smiled.

Caitlin looked up at Barry in astonishment, needing confirmation from him that her imagination wasn't running away from her. He smiled handsomely down at her and she knew then that her mother's presence tonight was his doing. God, she loved this man. He inclined his head towards Carla with encouragement.

"Excuse me." Caitlin said to her friends and made her way towards her mother.

. . .

A few moths later, on the very highest peak of Central City, against the backdrop of a setting sun, Barry Allen and Caitlin Snow were married. While Barry and Caitlin had forgone many traditions, the simple ceremony was exactly what they had both wanted. Their friends encircled them and in the centre, the pair stood, knowing that the love of their friends also represented the infinity of Barry and Caitlin's love for each other. So there they were, standing in the place where they had first met, facing each other while holding hands, knowing that marriage was only a formality to their union.

They had reduced Cisco to bumbling tears when they had asked him to obtain his marriage licence online so that he could officiate the ceremony that day. In its simplicity the affair was a perfect showcase of how much Barry and Caitlin meant to one another. They did not require any pomp or grandeur to make their wedding special. All they needed was each other and their family. When they kissed as husband and wife for the very first time, the cheering from their friends was overshadowed by the sudden noise of fireworks booming in the distance.

To Barry and Caitlin's surprise the stunning display of lights were coming from S.T.A.R Labs' tallest tower. Husband and wife looked at each other in wonder before turning towards Cisco who had no problem in taking all the credit for the beautiful display. He tugged at his suit lapels in pleasure.

"Yep, that was all your boy right here. I had to bribe Dr Wells with a few Big Belly Burger meals, but it turned out that he was more than happy to do it for you, Caitlin." Cisco told them before pointing towards the display again.

This time it sparked _"Barry and Caitlin: Welcome to the Finish Line!"_ until a lightning bolt flashed through the words, setting off a beautiful burst of red colour and gold light into the night sky. Caitlin laughed softly because it was just the sort of wise crack Dr Wells could be expected to make about marriage but knew that her boss meant well nevertheless.

Caitlin squealed in delicious delight when Barry spun her around to face him while everyone else was still _"ooo-ing"_ over the fireworks display. He bent her over his arm and kissed her passionately to start of their new lives together, on their hilltop, in the place they had first met.

They really had come full circle!

 **.The End.**

 **. . .**

 **Author's Note:** _Oh my, well as sad as I am that "Say You Won't Let Go" has come to an end, it's always so satisfying to complete a story so I take heart from that. Thank you, thank you, thank you all for the continuous support this story has received in its entirety. Reading your reviews and comments has certainly made the experience all the more exciting for me and so I thank you from the bottom of my heart, especially those faithful guest readers who I can't appreciate personally. I really look forward to hearing your last comments for this story, so please do drop me one last, bittersweet line. Until the next time … Happy reading everyone!_

 _Nova*_


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